Gay Man Marks Anniversary of Longtime Boyfriend's Death with Devastating Account of What's Happened Since: VIDEO
Shane Bitney Crone has marked the one-year anniversary of his boyfriend of six years, Tom Bridegroom, with a devastating video, It could happen to you, chronicling what happened to him after Tom's sudden death.
If there's anyone in your life who doesn't understand the familial rejection, the institutional discrimination, and the bias that gay couples face every day, here's one man's account.
Writes Shane: "It has been said that sharing personal stories is one of the most effective ways to change people's hearts and minds. This is my story and I hope you are inspired to share it with others."
Watch, AFTER THE JUMP...
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Heartbreaking. This has to just end....now... and what a truly vile and evil family poor Tom escaped from. At least he had 6 beautiful years.......
Posted by: newportjoey | May 8, 2012 10:36:10 AM
Heartbreaking. Until gay couples have the same rights as heterosexual couples, please, please do whatever you can to protect yourself from this happening; wills, power of attorney, etc.
Posted by: Laura | May 8, 2012 10:42:04 AM
Heartbreaking. Until gay couples have the same rights as heterosexual couples, please, please do whatever you can to protect yourself from this happening; wills, power of attorney, etc.
Posted by: Laura | May 8, 2012 10:42:05 AM
This is just an incredibly brave video--sad but so necessary. We should all be grateful to Shane for sharing his story.
Posted by: E. | May 8, 2012 10:45:32 AM
His parents got what they wanted in the end. In life he was dead to them because he was a gay man, and in the end all they got back was a dead body.
I hope they can live with their good Christian values but honestly I don't see how anyone can disown their own child for being who he really was. They should have been happy that he was able to find love in his live since he obviously did not find it in his parents home. A sad but unfortunately not a unique story.
Posted by: Swiminbuff | May 8, 2012 10:45:49 AM
I left the following message on wkvi.com in an article announcing Tom's passing:
http://www.wkvi.com/local/starke-local/former-starke-county-man-dies-after-fall-from-building/#comment-119398
---
Tom is survived by his partner of six years, Shane Bitney Cone, who created a heartbreaking video of remembrance and caution to share his and Tom’s story with everyone. No one should have to endure being treated the way Tom’s family treated Shane.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pR9gyloyOjM
---
We'll see if it survives moderation.
Posted by: Jeffrey in St. Louis | May 8, 2012 10:49:03 AM
Truly sad story. And also a lesson that all of us need to get our 'houses in order' so to speak. The boring minutia of wills and legal documents can save us a lot of pain ex post facto. Such as the pain from bigoted relatives.
One reason that we are fighting for marriage equality, is that it is culturally very well understood (any person on the street can roughly tell you the rights and responsibilities attendant to marriage). In sharp contrast, civil unions and domestic partnerships sound weirdly clinical, and are widely misunderstood or hidden. But until we achieve real marriage equality, we need to fully avail ourselves of the latter two.
Posted by: Rick | May 8, 2012 10:54:33 AM
A tragic story indeed. To think there are people as cold and heartless as the Bridegroom family... wow.
But, as only *one* commenter noted above, a registered domestic partnership would have negated a lot of the bad things that followed Tom's death.
I know there are a lot of people who want to make a stand and not accept "fake marriage," but in cases like this, it seems like we may be cutting our noses to spite our face.
Posted by: TommyOC | May 8, 2012 10:55:13 AM
What Tom's family did to Shane is abominable, and the story is tragic, but a big part of the tragedy is that what happened after Tom died could have been prevented. The promise ring Tom gave Shane was romantic and sweet, but it was overly optimistic and idealistic to make the promise pending a change in marriage law, when they could have registered as domestic partners and immediately been protected from Tom's horrible parents.
California's law provides to domestic partners "the same rights, protections, and benefits, and shall be subject to the same responsibilities, obligations, and duties under law" as marriage. Especially considering that they already knew how hateful Tom's parents were, it's a tragedy that they didn't take advantage of this option, even if it represents a Jim Crow type of second-class status.
Nobody thinks he's going to die young. I'm sure Tom and Shane thought they had all the time in the world to wait until they could take advantage of full marriage equality. The lesson learned here is that nobody can afford to wait for society or the law to catch up to our aspirations and ideals.
If you want legal protection as a couple, you need to take what measures are available to you. And if you live in a place like Virginia or (after tonight) North Carolina, you need to think long and hard about whether continuing to call that place your home is more important to you than protecting your rights and those of your spouse, and to consider relocating somewhere where the laws are more favorable.
Posted by: Don | May 8, 2012 10:56:25 AM
Just because your partner's parents and family are nice to you and tolerate you doesn't mean they won't reject you if something happens to their loved one. Be smart and protect yourself... getting a "Will" is really the only thing we can do right now. It's something to push back with.... God Bless!
Posted by: Allen Z | May 8, 2012 11:07:20 AM
My god, I just sobbed my eyes out over this. I told my partner about it. Fortunately we are legally married in DC and also have all of our wills, etc. in order.
Posted by: Laurie | May 8, 2012 11:08:13 AM
To those of you obsessing over the question of suicide - why does it matter?
As it happens, it was not a suicide.
I lost the great love of my life through suicide and it doesn't change the fact that he's no longer here and that I miss him any more than if he'd died in a bike accident.
Posted by: Graham Anderson | May 8, 2012 11:11:57 AM
Unbelievably heart-rending video - and watching how Tom's egg-donor swooped in less than 24 hours after his death, taking advantage of Shane's shocked state to get him to agree to what she wanted just makes me furious. Paying for a funeral that you're not even able to go to for FEAR OF YOUR OWN LIFE makes me even more outraged.
Yes, Shane and Tom could have (and should have) taken advantage of California's DP law... but that's awfully easy to say (especially if you haven't gone through this sort of hellish trauma) and trivializes Shane's awful experiences. If Tom and Shane had a DP, and Tom's parents simply went to court in Indiana to get control of Tom's assets (Indiana doesn't recognize California's DP law, does it?) what would have happened?
For people saying 'oh just get a power of attorney, or will' - seriously? There's a slew of stories of Gay/Lesbian couples doing just that - only to find out that in courts of law those documents mean less than nothing. Having to figure out which documents will be valid, and when, and where, is an exercise in near-futility in this current climate.
Shane's story has a simple moral - yes, do what you can when you can, but fighting for Marriage Equality is the *only* real solution.
Shane, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Ozymandias71 | May 8, 2012 11:12:20 AM
Every LGBTQ American can identify with this young couple's story in some way. Someone please get this to Mr. Obama and Congress, as further evidence that our actual lives are worthy of their time and attention too, and not merely fodder for their political game playing, insulting stall tactics and callous disregard.
Posted by: Christophe | May 8, 2012 11:14:43 AM
Tragic loss. I'm really heartbroken for you. Even though Prop 8 was ruled unconstitutional and is awaiting final adjudication - people can still register as domestic partners in California which guarantees all the same rights as married couples. please do that until we get this prop 8 crap gone! And keep fighting the good fight.
Posted by: MarkG | May 8, 2012 11:18:17 AM
http://www.facebook.com/martha.bridegroom?sk=wall
In case you want to try sending dear old mom a message of "call your son's one true love"
Posted by: Rob | May 8, 2012 11:18:27 AM
Tragic, horrible story. My heart is breaking for these poor men.
And for those who keep saying domestic partnership laws afford "all the same rights as married couples":
NO THEY DON'T. Stop spreading that lie.
California does grant some important rights to same-sex couples with their DP laws. But my husband and I are legally married, and despite the actual, legal marriage license and nearly $5,000 in lawyer's fees spent to set up a living irrevocable trust for our assets, the fact remains: 1,138 Federal rights and responsibilities are denied to us and ALL married same-sex couples in the U.S.
If I die tomorrow, my husband can't collect my Social Security in any way, shape or form.
When we travel, if we don't carry legal documents establishing our rights to make decisions on medical care, one of us could be denied access to the other in an unfriendly state. Say, South Carolina, where my mother and brother live (and I've only visited there once-- and probably will never return there, and I love my mother and brother).
Shall I go on with the 1,136 other ones?!?
Civil unions and DPs are NOT THE SAME AS MARRIAGE. And never will be.
Posted by: One of the CA 36,000 | May 8, 2012 11:31:00 AM
He is survived by his parents: Norman and Martha (Parker) Bridegroom......I hope they can see what their values brought them, their son dead in a box.
Posted by: Swiminbuff | May 8, 2012 11:49:44 AM
A scare story if you won't listen to the people above telling you to get a will, living will, durable power of attorney, or whatever is right for you in your state (or province for that matter). Your Tom falls off a step-ladder at home and suffers a brain injury and resultant coma. No legal documents.
Tom's Mom and Dad bar you from the hospital.
You know the rest from Terri Schiavo's case.
What are you waiting for?
Posted by: Hue-Man | May 8, 2012 11:50:00 AM
His fall was an accident, not a suicide. I went to high school with Tom. He and a friend were on the roof hanging out and Tom went to the edge to take a picture. He took a step back and fell off. Completely freak accident and very sad.
Posted by: Daniel | May 8, 2012 11:55:58 AM
This kind of thing happens far more often than most people realize but it rarely makes the news or gets publicized. The surviving partner is too busy grieving to think about fighting the family in the public arena so only their closest friends know about it.
Around the time that Brokeback Mountain came out (since the gay couple were ranchers the article I read used BBM as a framing device) there was a story about a gay man being kicked off the ranch where he and his partner lived and raised a son. They DID have wills but (IIRC) the man who died had only 2 witness signatures on his instead of the required 3 and his SECOND cousin was able to step in and take everything even though his wishes were made clear in the will he written, signatures or no.
I really believe events like this should be publicized at least as much as "bullying" stories because it vividly demonstrates WHY gay marriage is a necessity and why it's a priority for the gay community.
When you are the age these two young men were you aren't thinking about mortality, but if a gay couple is serious enough to start talking about commitment ceremonies, to say they would get married if they could, they should really have legal documents drawn up to protect each other. There's no blame to cast here because they didn't do that, but please take this as a reminder that if you are part of a committed couple you need to make it legal by whatever means are available to you.
Posted by: Caliban | May 8, 2012 11:56:23 AM
If you have any property--even a bicycle or a car--or any money at all, and you care where it goes after you die, then you should have a will. This is true regardless of your age or sexual orientation, and whether you are single or married. I have known heterosexual married people whose lives and grieving periods were also made significantly harder when their spouses died with no will. The assumption that will-less probate is smooth sailing as long as you were married is false even for heterosexual married couples, so imagine how much worse it is for gay couples when one dies and there is no will.
Posted by: Thomasina | May 8, 2012 11:58:20 AM
http://www.google.com/imgres?q=tom+bridegroom&um=1&hl=en&safe=off&client=safari&sa=N&rls=en&biw=1473&bih=978&tbm=isch&tbnid=LYx2_bNjytcjxM:&imgrefurl=http://www.myspace.com/tombridegroom/photos/1494009&docid=Fhc5x2HW_K6zqM&imgurl=http://a2.ec-images.myspacecdn.com/images02/116/84ddd2814b52454db5b3b653211306d1/l.jpg&w=600&h=622&ei=s0OpT-_3NKad6AGQw4G4BA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=1229&vpy=301&dur=1064&hovh=229&hovw=220&tx=173&ty=131&sig=118370909639578216488&page=1&tbnh=153&tbnw=142&start=0&ndsp=39&ved=1t:429,r:15,s:0,i:107
Posted by: guest | May 8, 2012 12:09:24 PM
I hope that one day that family comes to understand just how truly awful their actions were, to both their own flesh and blood and the person he loved. When they do, i hope the shame of what they did hangs heavy around their necks for eternity.
Posted by: Natamaxxx | May 8, 2012 12:09:37 PM
This is heart wrenching. The people that raised Tom are nothing but biologicals. It's an insult to real parents to call Tom's biologicals parents. Anyone who supports banning equal marriage needs to watch this. Everyone who has a heart needs to share it and help eradicate this kind of hatred and intolerance. You people who oppose same sex marriage are only doing so because of personal feelings and ignorance. Who someone marries is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS and to vote against another human being's right to love and live with and commit to who they want to is wrong, COMPLETELY WRONG!
Posted by: Bobby | May 8, 2012 12:25:39 PM