Gay Man Marks Anniversary of Longtime Boyfriend's Death with Devastating Account of What's Happened Since: VIDEO
Shane Bitney Crone has marked the one-year anniversary of his boyfriend of six years, Tom Bridegroom, with a devastating video, It could happen to you, chronicling what happened to him after Tom's sudden death.
If there's anyone in your life who doesn't understand the familial rejection, the institutional discrimination, and the bias that gay couples face every day, here's one man's account.
Writes Shane: "It has been said that sharing personal stories is one of the most effective ways to change people's hearts and minds. This is my story and I hope you are inspired to share it with others."
Watch, AFTER THE JUMP...
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Gob blessMy dear sweet Jason mmmmmmmmmm my prayers are with you ;this video was so sad I have been crying every since I watched it;they are human as you and I please don't downgrade the gay man they have their lives like you other people like you and I;when your children grow up and leave home they make their own choices no matter how hard you fight it they live their own livesjason lost all his rights when they blamed him for everything ; how unfair to Jason because he fell in love; mmmmmmmmmm my prayers are with you Jason God bless you and take care my dear friend Jason love a friend gayle WASHINTON STATE USA.........REST IN PEACE TOM........ one day you will be together again
Posted by: Gayle East | May 8, 2012 12:35:13 PM
December 2001 I woke to the sound of the smoke detector going off, I almost did not get out of the house and was rescued from the roof in the snow by a neighbor who heard my shouting and called 9/11 and brought a ladder to get me down. The room under me was burning and I could not get through the fire to the room where Erik, who I had been living with almost two years, was sleeping. He did not get out.
I lost everything that I owned. Red Cross bought me a pair of jeans and shoes, socks, a shirt, underwear. The insurance company paid a five million claim on the house and contents, to Erik's estate. He had years before made his cousin executer of his estate, the man never liked me, I lost my house in Florida, my car, had no alternative to homelessness and bankruptcy, and worst of all was that some of Erik's closest friends blamed me for his death saying I should have died trying to get him out of the fire.
When a loved one dies like this it is hard to talk about all the post tragedy consequences, but when one in a couple goes on these have to be dealt with and that is why we have laws allowing couples to deal with them, they just do not apply to the last minority it is OK to hate.
My response has been to withdraw. Decades of hard work and doing my part, striving to be better and to help others, and when out of the blue the absolute worst happens I was not just ignored I was maligned and mistreated, society treats unwanted animals better than it treats gay people. I feel no connection to humanity or to society these days. I want life to be bright and fun and worth it, to like and love people, but the truth is they do not give a damn and I will not be convinced otherwise till the hate is overcome or at least till official apartheid ends against gay people.
By the way, the "It Gets Better" movement is wrong, the pace of change has been quick by geological standards but not by practical useful standards. "It" does not get better, YOU do. That is what we need to be telling the young to make them more able to handle the crap life is going to deal them for being gay, that they need to just get tough and get through it. Telling them it will all get better soon is setting them up for even bigger disappointments later, if they are at risk now how bad will it be for them when they find out that there will always be people who hate them just because of who they are?
Posted by: Markus | May 8, 2012 12:44:28 PM
Oh Shane, I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
If there's a God in heaven, Tom's parents will come to see exactly what they've done.
But I suppose that's too much to ask for.
Posted by: Michael in Toronto | May 8, 2012 12:47:22 PM
Incredibly disgusting. Tom's 'family' is repulsive. I can not conceive of such pure hate like they have.
They are [were] young guys and probably thought nothing bad could happen, so didn't make legal plans in such an event. If there's one thing anyone should take away from this story, it's that. Then Shane could have legally told that b*tch and the rest of Tom's foul Indiana 'family' to GTF away. To be honest, even if I hadn't any legal right, I would have physically, if necessary, blocked that b*tch from taking his body and his things. I would have gotten a restraining order, anything to at least bide some time. But of course Shane was morning Tom's death.
This 'family' in Indiana needs to be outed for the filth that they are. The full light of day needs to be shined on them, so the world, their neighbors, their town, their state, this country, can see the horrible, horrible thing they've done.
Posted by: ratbastard | May 8, 2012 1:01:58 PM
Im in tears at work a very sad story it makes me want to fight and be more involved in my LGBTSA community. Everyone deserves the right to love and the legal privileges should be equal for all across the board. Thank you Shane and Towleroad for this video.
Posted by: AnthonyR | May 8, 2012 1:15:37 PM
This seriously pisses me off! I would have fucced that family up, and not cooperated with them in the least.
Posted by: anony6 | May 8, 2012 1:22:27 PM
I saw the headline, I saw the pic, and I read the summary, and thought..... yada, yada, yada.
I was wrong.
I'm in a relationship with a wonderful man, that, based on the slap in the face from the video, is at risk. I'm older than my partner, we live in a regressive state (Florida), and he's at risk and our relationship is counted as much as a parking meter reading.
The man in this video, crying and consumed by the loss of his half, is jarring, moving and motivating.
My first instinct is to wrap my arms around him, and tell him that everything will be alright - but it won't be. Half of him is gone. The cause is irrelevant; the loss is horrible.
Babe, I'm so, so sorry for your pain, your tears and your loss. I wish there were something I could do, say or offer to help you, as an individual, because I hurt for you, I ache to help you, and a part of me is thankful that it isn't me.
The message I was left with in the video is that....... E N O U G H. It's not enough to hope that we aren't hated, that we won't he threatened by our own family, that we won't be tossed aside. It's simply time to say STOP.
Your partner has suffered a horrible accident, and you can't get beyond the vending machines in the hospital? You can't touch your partner when he/she needs you most? You can't be at your mate's side when he/she passes onto whatever is next? You can't be a part of this with your mate? Horrible. Abusive. Simply wrong.
After/during that nightmare, someone who hates you is now pawing through the hall closet, the junk drawer in the kitchen, your bedroom closet, the drawers in the night table.
This video is truly wrenching. Absolutely horrible. And hopefully, motivating.
I switch back and forth on the Bridegroom family. At the moment, I'm leaning toward public shame, but Tom must be honored first, and his partner must be protected.
I'll shut up now, but I whisper a silent prayer for the guys, knowing that Tom is safe and happy now, and is still with his mate.
Thank you for a video that I've already sent to all my network, friend and foe alike.
Be at peace when you can. You're not alone.
Posted by: Kelly | May 8, 2012 1:31:11 PM
This video should be sent to the White House for the President to see what his people are going through.
Posted by: Chris in Irvine | May 8, 2012 1:34:21 PM
It was an accident. He was taking pictures of one of his friends on the roof and he stepped back to far.
Posted by: Natalie | May 8, 2012 2:04:26 PM
I don't understand why people think that having a gay child means they failed as a parent. Disowning your child means you failed as a parent.
Shane, you and Tom are a beautiful couple. Your love for each other is beyond anything most people will ever have.
You were wronged. I want only to send you a big box of strength for tomorrow. Thanks for showing me Tom.
Posted by: Jack | May 8, 2012 2:36:19 PM
Be sure to add "digital" rights to your wills too.
Posted by: Eager Traveler | May 8, 2012 2:36:27 PM
May Tom's parents rot in hell.
Posted by: PhoneUser | May 8, 2012 2:36:51 PM
I knew them both. Tom's death was not a suicide. It was an accidental fall during a photo shoot. Proud of Shane for this.
Posted by: LAXJFK | May 8, 2012 2:52:49 PM
so sad,so tragic, its some help to know that with shane, Tom had,and shared LOVE,something he SURLEY didnt get from those 2 people...i cant even begin to use the owrds 'parents,or owrse, mom n dad'[. In my 60 yrs i will NEVER understand that kind of ignorance,hatred,and evil...sadly, im SURE his folks are bible belt finatics,they fit the role, Shane? Thanks for sharing, im deeply moved
Posted by: codyj | May 8, 2012 3:10:11 PM
Shane, I dont know if youll see this or not, but I hope so. My guy, who passed away from AIDS in 1983, had a mother much like Tom's, and during all his illness we never heard one word from her... well, not until one particular moment. Steve had decided, early on in his illness, to buy two things: a big honking wide screen TV and a full set of Waterford, two guilty pleasures that we never thought we could afford. But since that didnt seem of particular concern right then, we bought them. Steve's mom evidently heard about them, because when he went into the hospital for the last time, she showed up. After glaring at me and making the usual small talk with him, she said — and I quote — "You know, my little black and white set isnt working very well, and I hope you'll remember me in your will." She made a similar play for the Waterford and left. Five minutes, tops.
I was furious, but Steve, as weak as he was, told me to go walk it off and calm down. His mother returned a couple of days later and had me thrown out of the room because, like you, I wasnt "family" — even though he and I had been together for over seven years. He died a few days later, and the only way I knew was because our lawyer called and told me I was the executor of his will. I didnt even know he *had* a will, but apparently he had it done after his mother's last miniscule visit. I wasnt sure I was ready, but Jerry insisted, "Look, you have to deal with this right now."
So I went to his office. The will was short, only a few pages, but on the last one, Steve indicated that his mother was indeed to get the TV and the Waterford... but only after a sledgehammer had been taken to them both.
I took great glee in carrying out that wish.
Even though it's been almost thirty years, Steve's with me still, just as Tom will be with you. And you'll find a way to keep that memory alive, just as I have: my cartoon strip is a perpetual love note to a man now dead for a long, long time, but through it I can hopefully show others that relationships are indeed worth it and that love never really ever dies. He will forever be my Doc, and nothing will change that.
So embrace that memory, okay? Keep it close. Folks like you and me got that one great, grand, and glorious love of our lives, the one that makes it all worthwhile. Not many get to say that, bud.
Sending you the biggest hug I know how...
Posted by: Sean Martin | May 8, 2012 3:13:21 PM
Sean, thank you for your post. I lost my life companion a year ago, and your words... your words about your love staying with you ... I think hearing it from someone who's been there means the world. No, love never dies. Why would it?
Posted by: Linda | May 8, 2012 3:38:06 PM
Sorry for his loss, but his argument is bizarre. He would have had all of the legal rights of being a spouse had they entered into a civil union. The word "marriage" would not have changed anything.
Posted by: Lano | May 8, 2012 3:44:47 PM
I'm crying too much to allow any intelligent words.
But BRAVO all you did was love someone and got rebuked for it, now you allow your raw live story to the world to see so that others will not suffer as you have BRAVO to you.
Posted by: Patrick | May 8, 2012 3:48:48 PM
Like everyone the teas flowed as I watched the video, but I have to say that I am racked with sobs reading all of your comments. For the Love of GOD I do not understand the intolerance and disapproval of my fellow heterosexuals. What is wrong with them? Through my sobs I am more determined than ever to help tight this injustice. Rest in Peace young man, rest in peace. You were beautiful and the love you shared lives on, your love is touching me even after your death. Shane & Tom, I am so sorry for you so deeply and profoundly sorry.
Posted by: StraightGrandmother | May 8, 2012 4:04:02 PM
This is a very powerful video and I thank Shane for turning his tragic loss into positive action for equal marriage rights and to remind us all to get our legal houses in order, if not through marriage then through wills and power-of-attorney (including for health decisions).
And everybody, please don't feed the troll Bondy.
Posted by: Ken | May 8, 2012 4:56:05 PM
This is definitely a story that shows the true stakes of the marriage equality debate. It's also a cautionary tale that we do need to avail ourselves of every legal protection available to us. Nonetheless, even with a domestic partnership in place, I'm not sure the result wouldn't have still been the same. Shane was in shock and grief, a young man with very little in the way of good counsel behind him. What happened here was a manipulative, evil woman came in and bullied Shane into performing actions to his own detriment. Yes, he may have been able to wage a heated, legal battle after the fact, but his own story shows that she bullied him into paying to transport the body back to her home less than a day after the accident. At what point would it have been too late for Shane to truly press his case? After the body had been delivered to Indiana? After the body was in the casket? After it was buried in the ground? Yes, it's important to dot those i's and cross those t's. Get whatever legal protections you can. But to me this sounds like a truly evil woman who knew how to manipulate the broken young man her son had chosen over her hatred. - Thanks to Shane for sharing his story. I wish it had a better ending for him and Tom.
Posted by: MrRoboto | May 8, 2012 4:57:41 PM
This is why we fight!!!
Posted by: lovelyfam5 | May 8, 2012 5:06:34 PM
@LANO: You are 100% wrong.
The only way that "civil union" would be legally 100% equivalent to "marriage" would be if every single page of Federal, state and local law (including Internal Revenue Code) were gone through and every single reference to "marriage" were replaced with "civil union".
You want to do that...?!
Civil marriage equality for any two consenting adults is the only acceptable position. Brown v. Board of Education asserts that "separate but equal" is, in fact, 100% UNCONSTITUTIONAL, violating the Fourteenth Amendment.
Don't people get it? Even if we HAD "civil union" laws, the fundamentalists and Catholic jerkwads would be trying to pass constitutional amendments outlawing civil unions. THEY HATE GAYS AND LESBIANS AND WANT US ALL DEAD. Simple as that.
We can't rest until the fundies and fanatic Catholics are completely defeated and made utterly powerless. This is WAR. To the death. And WE WILL WIN.
Posted by: One of the CA 36,000 | May 8, 2012 5:11:48 PM
I think I died a little when I read the mother said he should pay for the funeral and transport, then the family banned him from it. That's the lowest of the lows
Posted by: Stephen | May 8, 2012 5:44:12 PM
All the same things happened to me. My parents told me I should have told them earlier, my father physically assaulted me, I threatened suicide and I was told to do it by my parents, they kept telling I had to go to a psychiatrist, etc, etc. It was horrible and I had to live for years at home this way because I was paying my own way through school and couldn't afford to move out. But, while this story is very sad, I didn't take the cowards way out and commit suicide as it is obvious Tom did. He didn't just fall off a roof with no one around, especially not his boyfriend. I don't mean this in a mean way as there is a good message in this video about equality but they real tragedy in this is that even though Shane thinks he was the most important person in Tom's life he wasn't. Tom's family, even though they were thosands of miles away, were because he cared more about what they thought and was affected by it and did what he did rather than staying on this planet so he could be with Shane.
Hatred, bigotry and discrimination against gay people can only be battled by standing up for what you believe in and leading happy productive fulfilling lives, not commiting suicide. I'm sorry for Shane, but marriage equality is not going to stop gay men succumbing to the pressure of their family.
Be strong, don't let those who disagree with you affect you and live what you believe in and remember always: It gets better. Suicide is not the answer. It just causes more pain as this video points out.
Posted by: Jack | May 8, 2012 7:03:42 PM