"Ex-Gays" | Gay Marriage | Mormon | Relationships | Religion

Josh Weed Is Gay, And Loves His Wife Very Much

JoshAndLollyThis is, I promise, one of the most fascinating things you'll read this June: The blog post in which Josh Weed, full-time "marriage and family therapist" and part-time humorist, comes out of the closet.

Thing is, Josh Weed is a very devout Mormon, and he's married to a woman. He and his wife, Lolly, have three daughters. Lolly and Josh have been friends since they were kids, and Lolly's known Josh was gay since he was 16. They got married anyway, and they reportedly have a "robust" sex life. But Josh says he's not bisexual. From the blog:

Some might assume that because I’m married to a woman, I must be bisexual. This would be true if sexual orientation was defined by sexual experience. Heck, if sexual orientation were defined by sexual experience, I would be as straight as the day is long even though I’ve never been turned on by a Victoria’s Secret commercial in my entire life. Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not by experience. In my case, I am attracted sexually to men. Period. Yet my marriage is wonderful, and Lolly and I have an extremely healthy and robust sex life. How can this be?

The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” I didn’t fully understand the answer to this question until I was doing research on sexuality in grad school even though I had been happily married for almost five years at that point. I knew that I was gay, and I also knew that sex with my wife was enjoyable. But I didn’t understand how that was happening. Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection. And Lolly and I have had that from day one, mostly because we weren’t distracted by the powerful chemicals of infatuation and obsession that usually bring a couple together (which dwindle dramatically after the first few years of marriage anyway). So, in a weird way, the circumstances of our marriage allowed us to build a sexual relationship that is based on everything partners should want in their sex-life: intimacy, communication, genuine love and affection. This has resulted in us having a better sex life than most people I personally know. Most of whom are straight. Go fig.

So -- Josh's gayness somehow improved his het sex life. It's a crazy world.

Josh's blog post is a little bonkers -- less because of his love life (which, like most love lives, looks a little bonkers to those on the outside looking in) than because of his Mormonism (which is just bonkers, full-stop) -- but it's kind of sweet, too. If he's to be taken at his word, it seems he ignored the imperatives of his own natural attractions to settle down with the person he believed to be his soul-mate, and with whom he wanted to build a family. If he was an atheist or a Unitarian or a Buddhist who did that and wrote about it, he'd be proclaimed a bold sexual rebel. The fact that he just happens to be a member of a religion that condemns homosexuality makes the decision feel a lot less bold, and more like the result of brainwashing --

-- but he's so nice! So reasonable! From the blog:

About two years ago, I saw a psychologist to get medication for my ADHD-I.  She was a lesbian, and when I told her that I was a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, she spent an entire session hammering me with questions about my situation in a genuine effort to make sure I was happy. I didn’t love that she did this, but as a clinician myself, I understood where she was coming from.

During our conversation, she told me about her life with her partner. She spoke of a girl, whom she considered her daughter, who is the biological child of her ex-lover, with whom she lived for only three years. She told me of how much she loved her daughter, but how infrequently she got to see her. And eventually, when talking about my sex life, she said “well, that’s good you enjoy sex with your wife, but I think it’s sad that you have to settle for something that is counterfeit.”

I was a little taken aback by this idea—I don’t consider my sex-life to be counterfeit. In response, I jokingly said “and I’m sorry that you have to settle for a counterfeit family.” She immediately saw my point and apologized for that comment. Obviously, I don’t actually think a family with non-biological members is counterfeit in any way. I also don’t feel that my sex-life is counterfeit. They are both examples of something that is different than the ideal. I made that joke to illustrate a point. If you are gay, you will have to choose to fill in the gaps somewhere. She chose to have a family in a way that is different than the ideal. I choose to enjoy sex in a way that is different than the ideal for a gay man. It all comes down to what you choose and why, and knowing what you want for yourself and why you want it. That’s basically what life is all about.

True! And it would sound even truer coming from somebody who doesn't base his life decisions on a book that claims Native Americans first sailed to America from the Levant.

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Comments

  1. Josh is a propagandist for the Mormon church. Part of their propaganda is a "niceness" and "wholesomeness". It's right out of 1950s America, but what isn't so nice in the 21st century is when a religion like the LDS church encourages its members to bankroll anti-gay marriage initiatives, and which still sends their gay young men to charlatan ex-gay therapists.

    You'll notice that Josh and his many supporters over on his blog continually refer to the "gay lifestyle" whatever the hell that means, and all that nonsense about "choice".

    The option has ALWAYS been there for gays and Lesbians to marry partners of the opposite sex. It's been called "marriage of convenience" for ages and there's nothing new about it. Being "open" about it on a blog and Gawker is just shameless self-promotion, as well as trying to push the Mormon agenda and the "LDS Lifestyle" ;)

    Don't be fooled for a minute by the "niceness" - these are wolves in sheep's clothing, just like the fundamentalist Christians and their hateful campaigns against anyone who is LGBT.

    Posted by: Tony | Jun 11, 2012 12:08:54 AM


  2. Here's the thing- none of your comments matter. Josh is going to keep screwing his wife and be happy.
    I am gay and live with my partner and I am totally happy and that is to me the dream of gay life. To live the kind of life I want. And to let Josh live the kind of life he watns. Not the kind of life I was supposed to live.
    How DARE you all tell Josh how he should be living his life. What good is being gay if its just another "straightjacket." If I had to live life according to your categories, I might as well have stayed in suburbia, married some girl, had 2 children and bought a tract home.

    Posted by: Miguel R | Jun 11, 2012 2:14:52 AM


  3. Here's the thing- none of your comments matter. Josh is going to keep screwing his wife and be happy.
    I am gay and live with my partner and I am totally happy and that is to me the dream of gay life. To live the kind of life I want. And to let Josh live the kind of life he watns. Not the kind of life I was supposed to live.
    How DARE you all tell Josh how he should be living his life. What good is being gay if its just another "straightjacket." If I had to live life according to your categories, I might as well have stayed in suburbia, married some girl, had 2 children and bought a tract home.

    Posted by: Miguel R | Jun 11, 2012 2:14:54 AM


  4. Here's the thing- none of your comments matter. Josh is going to keep screwing his wife and be happy.
    I am gay and live with my partner and I am totally happy and that is to me the dream of gay life. To live the kind of life I want. And to let Josh live the kind of life he watns. Not the kind of life I was supposed to live.
    How DARE you all tell Josh how he should be living his life. What good is being gay if its just another "straightjacket." If I had to live life according to your categories, I might as well have stayed in suburbia, married some girl, had 2 children and bought a tract home.

    Posted by: Miguel R | Jun 11, 2012 2:14:55 AM


  5. Here we go again. So, because he can be happy with a wife and says it's his "choice" some jackass with a bible or a voting card is going to assume, that, with love and a crucifiction I too can fake a straight love. Note to jackass in article. My gayness isn't a choice, it isn't required to be changed, I will not change it to please anyone, and years down the road you too will be tapping a foot under a toilet stall wall. History is a wonderful teacher, and it will prove to be accurate once again.

    Posted by: Todd | Jun 11, 2012 2:55:43 AM


  6. CONBAB - Actually, the extreme passion (limerence, infatuation) fades in most relationships. And people freak and think that they are no longer in love and break up and get divorced because the romanticized expectations of love and relationships set people up for an unrealistic expectation that they will find "the one" with whom it will always be the 4th of July. Most relationships turn companionate. From a theorthetical, evolutionary standpoint, passion is a great way to snare someone who will help you pass on your genes. After the passion fades, the relationship you have developed is what will nurture your progeny and ensure that your genes pass on.

    Josh has committed to a relationship with his wife. He has children, and has a vested interest in supporting them emotionally, physically, financially, morally, and evolutionarily. Respecting his autonomy, he has made a choice, and for the sake of his family, I hope he makes the best of it.

    That having been said, look to comments by TRUTHTELLER and others. He has committed to, and developed, nurtured, and respected, the relationship he is in not because it is what he desires and who he is, but because it is what he is "supposed" to do, because of an ideology. He gets to be a living, breathing poster boy because of his apparently not so difficult to endure sacrifice. What a beautiful martyr he is!

    Posted by: TJ | Jun 11, 2012 3:08:29 AM


  7. @ MIGUEL R
    Miguel, you need reading comprehension skills. Josh can screw whoever he wants. What he can't do is sell propaganda to make LGBT people's life miserable.

    He, as a therapist, has an ethical duty to help people heal. He is, however, inciting spiritual violence.

    Posted by: truthteller | Jun 11, 2012 3:09:29 AM


  8. @TJ - Oh, yes indeed, I know all too well that the starry-eyed, walking-into-walls infatuation fades, and fairly quickly. What irritates me is how Josh speaks of something about which he admits (or claims) he knows nothing (that is, if he's telling the truth, and he's never been in a LTR with someone he had ever been hopelessly, passionately, breathlessly in love with). It's not that he's wrong about passion fading, but that he talks (about this, and everything else) like some sort of authority, without the benefit of any real-world experience; he's only parroting what he's been told (or what he wants desperately to believe).

    I would respect his autonomy, and even his choice, if he wasn't bleating about how he's made the "ideal" "choice," 1) denigrating and degrading those of us who live our lives honestly, and 2) repeating the same, stale, old "choice" crap.

    Honestly, I feel more pity for him than disgust. Although I am indeed disgusted.

    P.S. Agreed, Truthteller has it spot on.

    Posted by: ConBab | Jun 11, 2012 3:46:21 AM


  9. I know of an old friend who is in this marriage situation. During his early years of his marriage, I had an affair with him. Believe me he was all gay. His wife later found out about the affair. She came to understand it but has accepted her husband for that side of his life. I'm sure he said that was the last. We have long broken that tie, but little does she know, he still has flings on the side. She recently posted marriage photos on facebook, ah the love, how it has endured, how he still continues to be a "ho."

    Posted by: Lee | Jun 11, 2012 4:55:10 AM


  10. "Fascinating read"? Really, Towleroad?
    How is this anything other than a sugarcoated version of the "ex-gay"-mantra that gay people can "overcome" their "same-sex attractions" and living "happy and healthy heterosexual lives"?
    He seems to be a nice guy but his declaration will be used (and he doesn't seem to mind it) as proof by the anti-gay movement that gay people can change, or in his case ignore, their gay identity. Until he declares his support for people who live in same-sex relationships I see him as nothing but a posterboy for the ex-gay movement. Nothing to be hailed on a gay website.

    Posted by: Peter M. | Jun 11, 2012 6:10:36 AM


  11. RICCO from page 1 of comments: your story about that man is very odd. if him "living the typical gay lifestyle" means that he was a big mansl*t enjoying his status as a "beautiful, very good looking man" & getting all the easy azz he could get, then, yeah, THAT might've been part of the problem.

    it's not all his fault, either. mainstream gay culture has long valorized the physical to the detriment of real emotional & spiritual connections--a problem i hope we can fix soon in our community.

    Posted by: redball | Jun 11, 2012 9:06:26 AM


  12. CONBAB - and it's a good thing that the walking into walls stops. That shiz can hurt!

    Yet, when I think of how one kiss from my partner of 25 years can still make me light-headedly melt, I completely see your point. It's not just about the relationship we have built. It's about the passion that brought us together.

    I am reminded of a college roommate with whom I eventually had my first torrid affair. He had an on-again, off again relationship with a girlfriend, whom he eventually married (and later divorced, or so a whim google search a few years ago revealed). I was not his first same-sex partner, and probably wasn't his last. When he went back to his gf - we were still roommates; leases and impecunity, you know - he would talk about the hours of foreplay (candles, music, bubble baths together, massages, etc.), before they got down to the deed. A female friend was appalled. "He's 19, and it takes all that just to have sex!?"

    I hope Josh makes the best of his choices. But ultimately, he's no role model for enlightened people. I appreciate the importance of religion in people's lives. But I'd chose a religion that understands human beings and sexual orientation better than it understands dogma.

    Posted by: TJ | Jun 11, 2012 12:50:35 PM


  13. So in other words, it's OK to be gay.... just as long as you marry a woman, have kids, and never so much as kiss another man.

    This message have been brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ for Latter-Day Saints (tm).

    Posted by: FuryOfFirestorm | Jun 11, 2012 1:27:50 PM


  14. Mormon propaganda. Even Hitler and his Catholic Nazis were able to get the German people to think Jews were bad and murder them by the millions just because they were Jewish.

    Posted by: Dave | Jun 11, 2012 2:19:27 PM


  15. And your blog post would sound a little more credible if it didn't end with:

    "And it would sound even truer coming from somebody who doesn't base his life decisions on a book that claims Native Americans first sailed to America from the Levant."

    Because the Book of Mormon doesn't claim this. If you're going to bag on faith claims of a religion, at least educate yourself in what they actually are.

    Aside from that - I've found it rather telling how utterly threatened the gay blogging community seems to be by this article. Despite the fact that he is at pains to emphasize that what worked for him won't work for everyone.

    Why is it that every time a gay guy decides not to have anal sex, he's immediately made the target of a bunch of hate speech?

    Apparently, in the homosexual community - if you want acceptance and tolerance, you'd better be prepared to "put out." Otherwise, forget about it.

    Posted by: Rathje | Jun 11, 2012 4:50:11 PM


  16. @Miguel R
    The problem is that he doesn't keep his ideas to himself. He is blogging very loudly about it and advertising his life as a model for other people

    Also, and here is the most important part:
    He is an ex-gay therapist! He is hurting people with that

    Posted by: Steve | Jun 11, 2012 6:39:45 PM


  17. Interesting that I found this article the day after I read his wife's blog entry regarding the same topic. And like so many of you, I'm still scratching my head. Incidentally, she used the same word--"robust"--to describe their sex life. But then, she says she's a good Mormon wife, so I wouldn't expect her to have an independent thought in her head.

    Oh, and by the way--even though HE claims he's Mormon, SHE says he was, until he stopped believing in God... She says they're both atheists now.

    Posted by: Robyn Jane | Jun 11, 2012 11:27:12 PM


  18. It is very interesting to read the comments on this blog: those demanding tolerance from others demonstrating gross intolerance of anyone who does not affirm their positions. Lacking a moral compass, you condemn Mormonism and Evangelical Christianity, as if they are the source of your problems, though every major religion in the world condemns homosexuality as sinful and unnatural. Josh Weed, one who identifies himself as having same-sex attraction, is roundly condemned because he insists that behavior is a choice, not a programmed inevitability. Like a bunch of adolescents who can't have their way and don't want to accept responsibility for their own actions, you lash out against anyone who insists sexual behavior is a conscious decision governed by moral law. It is time to grow up. You don't have to agree with Josh Weed, but your bigoted, intolerant rants will not produce your desired outcome: affirmation of your actions.

    Posted by: Dwight | Jun 12, 2012 7:58:08 AM


  19. A Mormon phreeque.

    It was nice to see that mormons are fighting back. Today's NY Times had an article about the 300 Mormons marching in the Pride parade in Salt lake City.

    I saw about 50 marching in the pride parade in Washington DC last Saturday.

    Posted by: pete | Jun 12, 2012 10:34:11 AM


  20. This actually sounds like a kind of Mormon polygamy.

    His speech is terribly one-sided. She's his wife and "primary" sex partner, which suggests that he has sex with men on the side.

    Does she get that privilege too, or is she the conforming Mormon wife, controlled by her husband, faithful to him, while he has multiple partners?

    Posted by: Guy | Jun 12, 2012 1:53:35 PM


  21. "Passerby" - call B.S. on that.

    the "cure" for Josh would be to accept reality. truth. facts. evidence. logic. reason.

    nobody here is "marginalizing or mistreating" him for being LDS, or for the "choices" he's making - in reality, he's making choices and is marginalized by the LDS and their belief system, which is forcing a "choice" onto him.

    discernment, please.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Jun 12, 2012 2:02:55 PM


  22. Lacking a moral compass, DWIGHT relies on religions for affirmation, because he cannot think for himself.

    Posted by: TJ | Jun 12, 2012 2:16:32 PM


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