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Here's a Letter from a Dad Disowning His Gay Son

Disown

Reddit user RegBarc posted the disturbing missive, and writes:

In August of 2007, I finally built up the courage to tell my father I was gay. The moment I said it, the phone got quiet and he got off the phone after a few "Okay"s. I decided to give him time to process the news. About a week later, and not long before my birthday, I received the following letter:

"James: This is a difficult but necessary letter to write. I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle. I have fond memories of our times together, but that is all in the past. Don’t expect any further conversations With me. No communications at all. I will not come to visit, nor do I want you in my house. You’ve made your choice though Wrong it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle. If you choose not to attend my funeral, my friends and family will understand. Have a good birthday and good life. No present exchanges will be accepted. Goodbye, Dad."

It's important to know just what this zealotry from Bryan Fisher, Maggie Gallagher, Dan Cathy, et al., does to everyday people. I've never done drugs, was an excellent student, an obedient child (far less trouble than many of my classmates), didn't drink until I was 22 because it terrified me, and have had just 1 speeding ticket in my life. Yet I am still seemingly deserving of this terrible act of hate and cowardice that one person can place on another. 5 years on and I am still doing fine, though this letter saunters into my mind every once in a while. When it does, I say without hesitation: F**k you, Dad.

It's an all too familiar situation for many LGBT kids out there.

He's right. The Dan Cathys of the world are giving tacit permission to parents to act this way. Shame on them.

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Comments

  1. I have read that letter numerous times and it just doesn't ring true. But it sure has excited the knee jerk posters. Do Little Kiwi and Truth deserve each other? You bet!!!

    Posted by: andrew | Aug 9, 2012 4:54:57 AM


  2. This man does not deserve to call himself a father. My little boy is but 10 months old now, but I will make sure that he knows that whatever decisions he makes for himself in life, whatever his lifestyle choices, his beliefs or orientations, his dad will always support him,love him and be there for him.

    Posted by: Codeine | Aug 9, 2012 11:21:32 AM


  3. This so called father will probably live to regret his actions, but by then it will be too late.

    Posted by: Jeff Samuels | Aug 9, 2012 5:44:11 PM


  4. It sounds like you are much better off without "Dad" around. Disgusting what "faith" can do when perverted by bigotry.

    Posted by: fanboi | Aug 9, 2012 5:51:34 PM


  5. Has anyone considered that this letter may be fake? Stranger things have happened.

    Posted by: Jake | Aug 9, 2012 10:14:41 PM


  6. @ratbaastard We don't need to make letters like this up. Unfortunately, we DO have parents like this and we DO receive letters like this everyday and every year and we have to live with the trauma they inflict on our lives. What's worse is we have to live with the added trauma of the people who question whether or not this trauma really did happen to us. Who are you to question the validity of the pain we have and are experiencing? It's not your job or your right to validate the experiences of your brothers and sisters it's your job to listen to them and lend them comfort if you can find it within your self to find courage to muster up something akin to empathy. Otherwise, if you can't find somehing encouraging to say, don't say anything at all.

    Posted by: PSA | Aug 10, 2012 8:45:52 AM


  7. Here is a blog post giving perspective on this from the viewpoint of a gay dad: http://evolequals.com/2012/08/10/a-gay-dads-perspective-on-the-hate-note-writing-father-4-2/

    Posted by: Rob w. | Aug 10, 2012 11:14:00 AM


  8. My father did the same thing and now we are closer than ever, Give it time. My Dad was a lifer strict Catholic and now he's retired and could care less what others think of us.
    Age an education have changed him to be more accepting and now his completely done a 360.

    I was kicked out at 17 and we didn't speak or have any communication until I was 24, at first I didn't know what to expect from him but, he invited me through my sister and paid for me to travel to Germany where my family was stationed. We sat down and with tears in his eyes he apologized for being ignorant to my needs and not supporting me during my time of need.

    I was in shock more than anything else, long story short he was blaming himself for not being a better father and took it out on me later realizing that God made us in his image and I was part of his image so how could being Gay change that? In other words I was born this way and I or he had no choice in that matter. In The beginning I, cried and prayed to God to help my family see it my way and it took many years but, I have faith and I always have known that being gay was truly a gift and not anything to be ashamed of, even if the majority doesn't see it that way, I know what a wonderful person I am. It's just going to take others longer to see what I've already known.

    Posted by: Dannyboi2 | Aug 10, 2012 3:33:57 PM


  9. hugs to everyone who was rejected by their parents.
    some people... many people... have stupid parents.
    it could be worse: his father could be a serial killer.
    it could be better: his father could be smart.

    Posted by: zoorph | Aug 10, 2012 3:59:36 PM


  10. Sarah: How convenient to quote Scripture, yet ignore the many direct commands in Scripture that show that homosexuality is an abomination against God's Holy Word, and that those who practice it will never inherit the Kingdom of God.

    I get so tired of the "I Was Born This Way" crap. What an excuse. The Bible says we were all born in sin, and yet we have to overcome that sin through our reliance on Him. If we come to Him through His Son Jesus, He will give us the strength to overcome the sin in our lives. It's never easy, but it's the only way to come to Him.

    I also love how you who profess to be so tolerant are so intolerant of what you perceive to be intolerance. I am intolerant of anything which violates God's rules and laws, not my interpretation of it, but the actual Word of God. What about you?

    While I'm not condoning what this father did, I understand his heart. His heart was broken. I've had my heart broken by the actions and choices of some of my children as well, just as God's heart has been broken by some of my choices. God stated in Romans that His heart was broken enough by people's choices that he gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity. They were inflamed with lust for one another, men committing indecent acts with other men, and they became filled with every kind of wickedness. And although they know God's righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death, they not only continue to do these very things but also approve of those who practice them.

    Scripture is clear: the practice of homosexuality is a violation of God's Word, and those who practice this wickedness will never see God's Heaven. Your argument is with Him, not with me.

    Posted by: A Father | Aug 10, 2012 4:15:31 PM


  11. @A Father
    No, your scripture actually never says homosexuals won't enter the kingdom of heaven. That's a mistranslation of a verse in the New Testament, look it up. Also, there is no proof that someone's sexuality can be changed through religion, or that the bible is really the word of the creator of the universe (if there is one). Also, why would god give people over to their sinful desires if he knew they would go to hell because if this? It makes no sense. You also shouldn't expect any tolerance from us if you want to use your religion as an excuse to keep rights from us, demonize us, and make us second-class citizens. Our argument isn't with any god, it's with arrogant Christians like you who think we all have to listen to a 2,000 year old book that's been poorly translated and is filled with several contradictions to itself and reality. Keep your poisonous religion to yourself and go preach somewhere else.

    Posted by: Logan | Aug 11, 2012 4:00:56 PM


  12. wow that father really sucks, i feel really bad for the sone that had to recieve that letter. the worst my dad ever did was hit on me on manhunt.

    Posted by: Gaymer | Aug 11, 2012 7:48:13 PM


  13. wow that father really sucks, i feel really bad for the sone that had to recieve that letter. the worst my dad ever did was hit on me on manhunt.

    Posted by: Gaymer | Aug 11, 2012 7:48:16 PM


  14. well A father I get so sick and tired of you people preaching the bible! not everyone believes in the bible so shut up about it! and I get so freaking tired of you zealot chrstians believing that Homsexuality is a choice . do you choose who u love???????? no u freaking dont unless your into arranged marraiges . and another thing u rottin pos zealotss that u rahter have your son or daughter be a kiler then admitt that they are gay or lesbian! thats sick get over yourselves!!!

    Posted by: Ryana | Aug 11, 2012 10:31:40 PM


  15. Sucks that life turns out this way, but it does and there is nothing you can do about it. Glad you are doing well, I am sure you are doing better than your male parent is. But obviously, who cares? Let him fester.

    Similar situation happened when I came out in 1996 to my family (although most of my friends and co-workers new before then) except it was from my mother. Mom exploded, wanted to know who else knew. Said that before I told her, she thought maybe I was on drugs, I was an alcoholic, thought I was moving, quit my job. She said she could handle any of those, she couldn't handle me being gay. Then she said "I used to love you so much". Dad then thought it best that I leave and not come back (I have lived on my own since I was 17, so I wasn't kicked out of the house). This brought dad and I a lot closer, had lunch or supper 3-4 times a week. Dad passed away in 2001. Mom and I didn't speak, no big loss. She passed in 2007, read about it in the paper. I wasn't mentioned in the obituary. Afterward, I told her brother and sisters what was up. They suspected I was gay, wasn't no big deal to them. My aunt is going to be 92 in November. Going out to dinner to celebrate with the whole family. Looking forward to it.

    Life is good. Hope yours is also, buddy.

    Posted by: Cooper | Aug 12, 2012 10:24:59 PM


  16. This reeks of "Balloon Boy" Did you do solid back up research on this?

    Posted by: Josh | Aug 13, 2012 12:01:16 AM


  17. "TRUTH" (7 AUGUST 2012),

    GREAT COMMENTS. I UNDERSTAND OTHER Towleroaders' VIEWS ON THIS ISSUE, BUT, THAT FATHER HAD FAITH BEFORE HIS SON WAS BORN. IF HE THINKS HOMOSEXUALITY IS WRONG, HAVING A HOMOSEXUAL SON MUST NOT CHANGE THAT.

    CHRISTOPHER ALLEN HORTON

    Posted by: CHRISTOPHER ALLEN HORTON | Aug 13, 2012 12:23:34 AM


  18. How sad. My son told us two years ago that he is gay. We didn't like it and would rather he wasn't as there is so much stigma, but we love our son and accept him for who he is. I had an argument with my boss over a young gay teenage man who wanted to take his partner to his school ball. The school refused. My boss said that this young man should never have said that he was gay and my argument is why should he lie, why shouldn't be able to be open. By lying, society is saying that it is wrong and it should be hidden (or not at all). Luckily there is far more acceptance today than there was years ago and I hope that it continues.

    Posted by: A mother | Aug 13, 2012 2:18:14 AM


  19. Wanna feel better? Read this Dad's comment on this story:

    http://www.reddit.com/r/atheism/comments/xspz1/5_years_ago_i_was_disowned_via_letter_when_i_came/c5pbo3h

    "The lesson for me is that any idiot can be a father, but you've got to EARN being a Dad." This man just won the internet...

    Posted by: Jonathan | Aug 13, 2012 1:42:33 PM


  20. I wish my parents would've done something like this. It would've been so liberating.

    Posted by: Brent | Aug 13, 2012 2:16:01 PM


  21. babe you are perfect child of god.you have entire family in heaven your personal family praying for you,not this one on earth.if that is not inough you have earth human who only love you and we are your family in shareing you pain.god bless you and my all archangels be with you.namaste and love and light...hugs and kisses

    Posted by: jelena skipina | Aug 15, 2012 5:08:20 AM


  22. fine

    Posted by: B D | Aug 15, 2012 4:06:50 PM


  23. It's seriously heartbreaking that there are people who would choose a couple of words from a book over their own flesh and blood. The dad seems more interested in getting a reward for being what he thinks is a good christian, than to be able to spend time with his son. Men usually don't have as strong of a bond with their children as the mother, but there are alot of woman who disown their children for being gay too. I think it is very selfish of them, and they didn't deserve to have children in the first place.

    Posted by: jessi | Aug 16, 2012 5:54:45 AM


  24. It's seriously heartbreaking that there are people who would choose a couple of words from a book over their own flesh and blood. The dad seems more interested in getting a reward for being what he thinks is a good christian, than to be able to spend time with his son. Men usually don't have as strong of a bond with their children as the mother, but there are alot of woman who disown their children for being gay too. I think it is very selfish of them, and they didn't deserve to have children in the first place.

    Posted by: jessi | Aug 16, 2012 5:54:45 AM


  25. Civilised minds and poeple of goodwill should not seat down and watch selfish, narrow-minded, ignorant, godless and morally bakrupt poeple turn the world up-side-down in the name of human rights. Human right is no rights if it goes against ethical, moral, civil and spiritual laws. Homosexality, lisbianism are other forms of sexual perversions are wrong and sinful.
    Wake up America!

    Posted by: J.M.E | Aug 16, 2012 7:41:46 AM


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