John Oliver launched his Sunday night show with a look at the news that is bad for “anyone who believes the Constitution protects things like reproductive and LGBT rights, and we know it’s bad because Donald Trump Jr. is happy.
Donald Jr. tweeted this: “OMG! Just when you thought this week couldn’t get more lit… I give you Anthony Kennedy’s retirement from
OMG! Just when you thought this week couldn't get more lit… I give you Anthony Kennedy's retirement from #SCOTUS
— Donald Trump Jr. (@DonaldJTrumpJr) June 27, 2018
Said Oliver: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree with Mister Jr on this, because I don’t think this is ‘lit’ at all. I mean, it’s obvs cray AF, no one is denying that fam, but I would argue that this week’s news was neither lit nor on fleek nor was it three fire emojis.” Now, granted, I’m still a little shook shook, but I personally believe Kennedy’s retirement is super werpt. And I’m happy to announce that in saying that, all of the slang words I just used are now officially dead forever—and that includes ‘werpt,’ a term that doesn’t even exist for which I preemptively ruined just in case.Remember, teens: Don’t let white men in their forties hear the cool words you use. We will bury them.”
Oliver then pointed out that the Democrats are going to desperate measures to find a way to block Trump’s nomination.
“There is a fundamental problem there, and that is that Republicans have 51 seats in the Senate and they need 51 votes to confirm the new justice, so unless Democrats can convince their entire party to oppose the nomination—and persuade a number of Republicans over to their side—they are shit out of luck. Meaning it’s time for the Democrats’ favorite game: ‘Hope Susan Collins Flips and Be Disappointed When She Doesn’t!’ It’s America’s most depressing game show.”
Added Oliver: “I am happy to say here that there is at least some good news, because it turns out that there is a constitutional loophole that allows Democrats to—I’m obviously lying here, there is no good news. Everything is terrible now. The only thing anyone can really do now is vote.”
“There are two key elections everyone should try to vote in,” Oliver added, breathlessly. “One in 2016 and one in 2014 because that is what got into this mess. So, I want you to go find a medium sized cardboard box right now. Take a pen and write ‘Time Machine’ on the side of it. Not because it will take you backwards in time. It won’t. It’s a cardboard box. What I want you to do is scream into it. Just empty all the anger and frustration you’re feeling right now into that box and when you’re done, tape it up, go out, vote, knock on doors and take that box with you. And if you ever come across someone who’s thinking of sitting out an election because neither of the candidates quite do it for them, and there’s not much difference between them anyway, open that box into their f*cking face and let yourself from this week scream some sense into them.”