A Meet the Press discussion of the National Enquirer blackmail case involving Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’ dick pics was the topic of Saturday Night Live‘s cold open.
The sketch featured Chuck Todd (Kyle Mooney), Eugene Robinson (Kenan Thompson), Peggy Noonan (Cecily Strong) and Donna Brazile (Leslie Jones) debating the size (“is he working with something the size of an Echo, or is it a dot?”), and coloration of the private parts of the world’s richest man.
Said Mooney’s Todd: “Let’s start with what everyone’s talking about. In a new low for journalism, The National Enquirer was accused this week of blackmailing Amazon C.E.O. Jeff Bezos. You’re all highly respected journalists…So, when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is going to look like?”
“What does this say about our country?” asked Mooney’s Todd.
Replied Thompson’s Robinson: “It’s disgraceful, Chuck. It’s awful. I mean, this is a clear violation of someone’s privacy.”
Asked Mooney’s Todd: “And what about when the pictures do come out?”
Quipped Thompson’s Robinson: “I will look at them. I will make them into hilarious memes, and I’ll send them to all my friends.”
The panel then debated the various headlines the New York Post could have used to deliver the news: “Bezos Exposes Pecker”, “Your Amazon Package Is On Its Way” and “Stroke of genius: Bezos gives Pecker the shaft.”
Pivoting away from the topic, Mooney’s Todd was joined by billionaire Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross, played perfectly creepy by Kate McKinnon.
Said McKinnon’s Ross: “I don’t want to talk about penises. I’m one of the guys. I like watching sports and drinking a cold glass of blood…I know what a dick pic is That’s when you hire the services of 10 homeless gentlemen and they show you their penises and you pick one and you say ‘let’s switch’ and you give them $100 and now their penis is your penis but choose carefully because if it’s too big, he’ll fall over.”
Matthew Whitaker, played by Aidy Bryant, then joined the show, and told Mooney’s Todd to hurry up because he was short on time.
“I was U.S. attorney general for three months, and soon, I will go back to my job of breaking up fights on The Jerry Springer Show.”
Asked about Bezos, Bryant’s Whitaker replied: “I don’t really have a lot of sympathy for Jeff Bezos because every time I post a photo of myself on Instagram it gets flagged as a dick pic.”