Paul Rudnick Hub




Nate Silver, Sex Object

Meme_silver

Apparently a lot of people are very turned on by Nate Silver's talent with numbers.

Seductive Nate Silver has hit the meme factory.

And in the New Yorker, Paul Rudnick pens a hilarious letter from Silver's "No. 1 fan", 11-year-old Emma Gertlowitz:

See, I think that because you predicted the election with near-100% accuracy Matt Bomer is way more likely to go out with you than with Dick Morris, who predicted a Romney landslide, or with Karl Rove, who kept predicting that Ohio was still in play a week after the election was over. In fact, right now I bet that you could get anyone to go out with you just by saying something like “I predicted Florida, North Carolina, and Illinois, and now I’m predicting that you’ll have dinner with me.” I know that you can also predict the careers of baseball players and that you made a ton of money playing online poker, all of which makes you really cool because you can gamble and do sports without leaving your room; you’re like James Bond in saggy sweatpants whose pockets are filled with wadded-up Kleenex.

I know that you’re too old for me and that if we actually met you’d probably be really nice and say something like “I predict that someday you’ll meet a boy who’s 100% right for you,” and then I would tell you my secret, that I was totally crushing on this geeky anorexic goth boy but he turned out to be Ann Coulter. So maybe I should just keep fantasizing about you, because statisticians are the new sexy vampires, only even more pasty. I just hope that tonight I can dream that the next time you’re on “Rachel Maddow” you’ll look right into the camera and say, “I can predict that Hillary will win Nevada in 2016, and that Emma Gertlowitz will at least get wait-listed for Brown.”


Pope Benedict's Tweets

Now that the Pope has joined Twitter, Paul Rudnick imagines some of the pontiff's tweets:

BenedictDuring a papal audience, I put folks at ease by asking, “Are you gay?” Then I say, “Kidding!” Then I go, “No, seriously, are you gay?”

It’s hard to tell all the cardinals apart, so sometimes I put different dinosaur stickers on their backs.

Proof of God’s existence: St. Patrick’s is right next to Saks.

Whenever people doubt that angels are real, I ask them, “Excuse me, but have you seen the Jonas Brothers in concert?”

I hate to say it, but nuns are God’s punch lines.

Michele Bachmann is not Satan. Satan doesn’t have split ends.

I met the Dalai Lama and he was so nice, but all I could think was, Sandals? In January? Really?

Nancy Grace: perfect name for a gay Pope?

Read all them at The New Yorker...


Mr. Peanut is Gay

Peanut

Paul Rudnick, reacting to the news that the Planters mascot has a new sidekick named Benson, outs him:

After watching Portia de Rossi promoting her new memoir about her anorexia, her struggle to come out as a lesbian, and her eventual happy marriage to Ellen DeGeneres, I feel emboldened. (Although I regret that, because I am a carbohydrate, Portia may fear me.) And after seeing Ricky Martin discuss his new memoir, about his coming out and his joy in becoming the father of beautiful twin sons, I think it’s time to tell the world that Benson and I will soon be adopting a jumbo cashew and a pair of Jordan almonds; some people will call it bridge mix, but for Benson and me it’s our family.

As I reveal in my own upcoming memoir, “Right in the Nuts,” I had an agonized childhood. I was born and roasted on a dusty peanut farm down South, and my earliest memories are of being attracted to a macadamia named Jimmy Ray. But all too soon he was harvested and ended up in a small porcelain bowl placed on an armrest in first class on a Delta non-stop to Los Angeles. I still recall our time together fondly, whenever I hear a flight attendant murmur, “Warm nuts?”

Mrclean Mr. Peanut (Rudnick) goes on to reveal that as he became famous, he was involved in torrid love affairs with other product mascots:

Those were heady times, and my picture began to appear on advertisements and packaging all around the world. I went a little crazy, hooking up with both Buster Brown and the sailor on the Cracker Jack box, although my affair with Mr. Clean lasted well over a year. Mr. Clean, whose first name is Eugene, told me, “I don’t know what America is thinking. I’m a muscular bald man in a tight white T-shirt, with a single earring—to me that says San Francisco leather daddy.” In many ways, Mr. Clean was the perfect lover, because after even the messiest night of torrid lovemaking the bedroom was always spotless. We finally broke up after I came home early one day and caught him with Poppin’ Fresh, the Pillsbury Doughboy. “What can I say?” Poppin’ sneered, dripping with melted butter. “He likes my biscuits.”

After that, I went on a wild sex binge, with everyone from Cap’n Crunch to Snap, Crackle, and Pop, and I’ll just say this: none of those guys gets soggy in milk. I remember waking up in a cave in the jungle, in the paws of Tony the Tiger, who roared, “You were grrrrreat! ” But it all came crashing down when I found myself in a three-way, squeezed between Ronald McDonald and Snuggle, the fabric-softener bear, with dryer sheets stuck to my face with thick white clown makeup. Is this who I am? I wondered. What’s next? The Kool-Aid pitcher? Count Chocula? The Geico gekko?

So what prompted this revelation?

God bless them, the Planters marketing people launched an image overhaul, and suddenly I had a spiffy new gray flannel blazer, the voice of Robert Downey, Jr., and . . . Benson. They call him my sidekick, but from the minute we were introduced we both knew that we were headed not just for a broad-based new campaign but for an announcement in the Sunday Times social pages, under the heading “Legumes Wed.”

Watch the new Mr. Peanut ad, AFTER THE JUMP...

NUTTY [the new yorker]

Continue reading "Mr. Peanut is Gay" »


Revealed: Heidi Montag's Prayer to God About Plastic Surgery

Montag  

As transcribed by Paul Rudnick in The New Yorker:

"The reality-show personality Heidi Montag recently underwent ten plastic-surgery procedures on a single day. Montag told People that, before deciding to take these measures, “I prayed about it for a long time and said, ‘God, if it’s wrong, then I won’t do it.’"

The full text of Montag’s prayer has only recently been made available:

Dear Lord:

As You probably know, because I guess You sort of know everything, I’m thinking about having a mini brow lift; lipo on my neck, waist, hips, and thighs; a chin reduction; an ear job; fat injections in my cheeks, nasolabial folds, and lips; a revision of my previous rhinoplasty; a redo of my earlier breast implants; Botox injections in my forehead and frown area; and a buttocks augmentation, if that is Thy will.

I won’t go ahead with any of this if You don’t approve, but I keep thinking, Why would God have made my plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, so totally cute if He didn’t want me to use him? Although, of course, I also wondered, Why did God make my hips and thighs, both inner and outer, a teeny bit chunky, and why did He dig those grooves around my nose? But then I thought, Maybe because God creates so many gazillions of new people every day there are bound to be some manufacturing imperfections, so in a way my nose is just a facial Toyota. Or maybe my parents never prayed enough, so God said, “I’m going to teach them a spiritual lesson by sending them a daughter with low, almost angry-looking eyebrows.” I bet that Angelina Jolie’s mother prayed every second of the day, especially for Angelina’s lips. Sometimes I just want to call up my mother and say, “Gee, thanks, Mom. Maybe I wouldn’t need to have my ears pinned back if you hadn’t spent so much time worshipping Satan.”

But I’m probably just being selfish, and I’m sure that You get tons of requests about correcting body parts. I mean, the cast of “Desperate Housewives” must have You on Speed-Prayer. And I know that my body-image issues aren’t Your No. 1 priority, because there are starving people and the ozone layer and this girl I know from my TV show who has, like, enough cellulite to stucco a split-level with a three-car garage. And I don’t think that I’m special in any way, so, even if You can’t get back to me, like, today, it’s totally O.K., because maybe there’s a hurricane somewhere, or an earthquake, and a lot of the victims will be asking, “While You’re saving my leg, could You also do something about my older daughter’s upper arms, because she isn’t getting any younger, and I don’t want to have to send her over to the next village?”

More at The New Yorker...


General Petraeus: 'Time Has Come' to Review Military Gay Ban +
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' News Updates

Gen. David Petraeus, the head of U.S. Central Command, told the Senate Armed Services Committee that "the time has come" for the U.S. military to consider changing the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy.

The AP reportsPetraeus  "Gen. David Petraeus stopped short of saying whether he personally believed if the military's policy of 'don't ask, don't tell' is outdated or unfair. Instead, Petraeus told a Senate panel Tuesday that he wants to see the results of an internal study ordered by Defense Secretary Robert Gates before any changes are made. He said he wants to know if allowing gays to serve openly might hurt recruiting and retention, or the military's ability to fight."

Adds The Hill: "At Tuesday's hearing, Petraeus cautioned that the change to the Clinton-era law should be done in a “thoughtful manner” and should include assessments on how a change would impact recruiting, retention, morale and cohesion within the military services.

Senator Carl Levin did not allow Petraeus to read an eight-minute statement he said he had prepared: "Chairman Carl Levin (D-Mich.) did not allow Petraeus to deliver his statement after ranking member Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) asked the general whether he believed thorough review was necessary before 'Don’t ask, don’t tell' was repealed. Levin’s reason: the committee rule on Tuesday was only a six-minute round of questions and answers for each senator."

Petraeus' testimony was the most he has said on the issue of the military gay ban. On an episode of Meet the Press in February, Petraeus had said that he supports Defense Sec'y Robert Gates plan for a study on the matter but was reserving further discussion for his testimonty before today's committee. Petraeus also said on MTP that he's not sure the sexual orientations of fellow service members matter to troops in the field.

ADDITIONAL NEWS ON 'DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL'

 road  Dadt  Here's more info on the  'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' rally in D.C. this Thursday at which Kathy Griffin will appear. Americablog: If Griffin wants to make news this week, she'll call out President Obama.

 road  SLDN seeking testimony from servicemembers for hearing this week on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" before Senate Armed Services Committee: "If you are a gay, lesbian, or bisexual service member who is currently serving on active duty or in the Guard or Reserves, and you would like to submit testimony for the record about how DADT impacts you, please submit a statement (one page or less please) via email by 9pm Eastern on Tuesday, March 16th, 2010 to Eric Kennedy at ekennedy@servicemembersunited.org."

 road  Lt. Dan Choi is "on the market"?

 road  In a New Yorker satire, Paul Rudnick looks at 'DADT' repeal from the perspective of a very gay service member

"As a gay man, I naturally spend much of my time debating casting issues involving the musical theatre, although, thankfully, I can’t share such thoughts with my unit. Instead, when I spot a potential suicide bomber, I think of him as someone who insists that Tyne Daly was the greatest Mama Rose of all time, even better than Merman. This makes me so enraged, and my aim grows so steady, that I can pick off the bomber with a single well-flung grenade, while shouting to myself, 'Tyne was appealing, but she didn’t have a shred of Angela Lansbury’s esprit, or Patti LuPone’s thwarted fury! Anyone who ranks Tyne over Patti deserves to die!' It’s called valor.


News: Stephen Hawking, Blindness, Paul Rudnick, Tuna, Morrissey

 road2009 Pulitzer Prize winners announced.

 roadStem cells to cure most common form of blindness: "Surgeons predict it will become a routine, one-hour procedure that will be generally available in six or seven years’ time. The treatment involves replacing a layer of degenerated cells with new ones created from embryonic stem cells. This week Pfizer, the world’s largest pharmaceutical research company, will announce its financial backing to bring the therapy to patients." 

Milo  roadMilo Ventimiglia brings back 50's cut...

 roadGot Talent: Britain has Susan Boyle, while Sweden has Naked Boys Dancing.

 roadEducation Secretary Arne Duncan recognized Friday's Day of Silence.

 roadMadonna falls off horse, blames paparazzi.

 roadParents of gay children come out of the closet in China...

 roadKelly Clarkson does not hook up - video.

 roadBishop Gene Robinson: Civil and religious marriage should be separate. "In this country, it has become very confusing about where the civil action begins and ends and where the religious action begins and ends, because we have asked clergy to be agents of the state."

 roadBluefin tuna to be extinct by 2012?

 roadMorrissey has meltdown over smell of grilled meat at Coachella.

 roadLady GaGa refuses to reveal anything about her teacup.

Rudnick  roadPaul Rudnick responds to Ted Haggard as fellow-heterosexual-with-issues Pastor Stan Belker: "As a teen-ager, I found that I was attracted both to serving Our Lord and to Jimmy Wiggins, the assistant coach of my high-school soccer team. I was in torment, and I would pray for hours on end, asking God why He would command me to love Him so deeply and at the same time just go and create Jimmy’s snug little soccer shorts."

 roadStephen Hawking "very ill" according to Cambridge University.

 roadGay controversy on UK version of The Apprentice as one contestant wants to re-brand the British seaside town of Margate as a gay resort and a teammate tells him she'd never let a homosexual come near her son.

 roadRice University survey shows growing support for gay rights.

 roadGawker Headquarters seating chart.

Crocbait  roadAustralian crocodile bait.

 roadSacha Baron-Cohen apologizes to Madonna over adoption gag: "Madonna was said to be upset at a scene in Bruno’s forthcoming film which mocks her attempts to adopt an African baby. And we hear that shame-faced 37-year-old Sacha has sent her a bouquet of flowers to apologise.  An insider said: 'Sacha is always out to make great comedy – and if he upsets people along the way, so be it. But when word reached him that Madonna thought his sketch was insensitive, he sent her a bouquet of flowers to say, ‘No hard feelings’.'"

 roadSome super slo-mo beauty.

 roadAnti-gay hate crime convictions in Wales double in three years.

 roadIowa Republicans claim advisory that state recorders must perform same-sex marriages comes across as "veiled threat": [Victoria Hutton of the Iowa Department of Public Health] wrote in the e-mail: 'Following is the response from our attorney from the Iowa Attorney General's office. All county recorders in the state of Iowa are required to comply with the Varnum decision ... and to issue marriage licenses to same sex couples in the same manner as licenses issued to opposite gender applicants.'"


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