Jon Stewart Looks at the Selection of Candidates for New Pope, Suggests Bill O'Reilly: VIDEO

A "grope" of cardinals is gathering in the Vatican for a "molestation" until they reach a "fellatio" announced by white smoke rising from the chimney. The question is, will Bill O'Reilly accept a demotion?

Watch, AFTER THE JUMP...

In related news, the Guardian reports on the fault lines over certain issues that are emerging as the cardinals gather to vote:

Take Cardinal Manuel Monteiro de Castro of Portugal and Cardinal Juan Sandoval Iñiguez of Mexico. In 2004, while papal envoy to Spain, Monteiro de Castro appeared to hint that the church should acknowledge homosexual partnerships as well as heterosexual ones. Although most countries defined marriage as the union of one man and one woman, he said: "There are other forms of cohabitation and it is good that they be recognised."

Sandoval has taken the other side. Three years ago he described same-sex unions as an "aberration" and was equally blunt on the subject of gay people adopting children, asking: "Would you want to be adopted by a pair of faggots or lesbians?" His other betes noires include at least one other Christian denomination, "you've got to be shameless to be a Protestant", and women who he believes fail to dress and behave correctly: "Women shouldn't go around being so provocative – that's why so many get raped."

Catholic Support for Same-Sex Marriage Jumps to 54 Percent: Quinnipiac Poll

A new poll shows that more Catholic voters support same-sex marriage than ever before:

American voter support for same-sex marriage is inching up and now stands at 47 - 43 percent, including 54 - 38 percent among Catholic voters, according to a Quinnipiac University poll released today.

This compares to a 48 - 46 percent statistical tie among all voters on same-sex marriage December 5 and reverses the 55 - 36 percent opposition in a July, 2008, survey by the independent Quinnipiac University.

Said Peter A. Brown, assistant director of the Quinnipiac University Polling Institute: "Catholic voters are leading American voters toward support for same-sex marriage. Among all voters, there is almost no gender gap, but a big age gap. Voters 18 to 34 years old support same sex marriage 62 - 30 percent; voters 35 to 54 years old are divided 48 - 45 percent and voters over 55 are opposed 50 - 39 percent."

Catholics don't much like the direction the Church or the former Pope has been moving in either:

Among all adult Catholics, 52 percent say the Church is moving in the right direction, while 31 percent say it is going in the wrong direction.  Church leaders are out of touch with the views of Catholics in America today, all Catholics say 52 - 40 percent. Men say out of touch, 54 - 37 percent, while women agree by a smaller 49 - 43 percent margin.

The next pope should move the Church in new directions, 55 percent of Catholics say, while 38 percent say the pope should maintain the current direction.

American Catholics say 62 - 30 percent that the next pope should allow priests to marry and say 64 - 28 percent, including 68 - 24 percent among women, that he should relax the church ban on contraception.

Under the next pope, Catholics say 81 - 13 percent, the Church should do more to combat sexual abuse of young people by priests.

Added Brown: "Looking at all adult Catholics, different from the wider survey of all registered voters, we see a conflicted group: a slim majority say the Church is moving in the right direction while slim majorities say Church leaders are out of touch with their views and the next pope should change directions."

The Vatican is Having a Kiki to Choose the Next Pope: VIDEO

More proof of that alleged "gay lobby". Lock the doors!

Check it out, AFTER THE JUMP...

Pope to Live with His Rumored Secret Boyfriend in Retirement

Talk of Pope Benedict's close relationship with his "personal secretary" Georg Ganswein has been around for some time. I wrote about it HERE six years ago.

Andrew Sullivan examines the Pope's uber-gay retirement arrangements:

The only thing the Pope will give up, apparently, are his red Prada shoes. He has some fabulous brown leather artisanal ones to replace them. But this is what really made me sit up straight, so to speak:

Benedict’s trusted secretary, Monsignor Georg Gänswein, will be serving both pontiffs — living with Benedict at the monastery inside the Vatican and keeping his day job as prefect of the new pope’s household. Asked about the potential conflicts, Lombardi was defensive, saying the decisions had been clearly reasoned and were likely chosen for the sake of simplicity. “I believe it was well thought out,” he said.

So Benedict’s handsome male companion will continue to live with him, while working for the other Pope during the day.

Adding:

This man – clearly in some kind of love with Ratzinger (and vice-versa) will now be working for the new Pope as secretary in the day and spending the nights with the Pope Emeritus. This is not the Vatican. It’s Melrose Place.

Business Insider chimes in:

Sullivan isn't exactly alone in his suspicions. He points towards a book by Angelo Quattrocchi (playfully titled "The Pope is Not Gay") that he felt reached similar conclusions. In addition, former Benedictine monk-priest and author Richard Sipe claims to have spoken to a number of Roman clerics and members of the Roman press corps who were "convinced" that Benedict XVI was gay.

Of course, it doesn't help the rumors that Ganswein has become something of a star in his own right. He's been dubbed the "The George Clooney of the Vatican,” and appeared on the cover of the Italian Vanity Fair under the headline “It’s no sin to be good looking.” Donatella Versace has even dedicated a menswear collection to him.

Gawker visually documents the rumored secret boyfriend and his Pope.

Pope Makes Final Public Appearance, Speaks English: VIDEO

Pope Benedict gave a final address in St. Peter's Square today after resigning amid sexual abuse controversy and talk of gays in the Vatican.

Said the Pope: "I am also deeply grateful for the understanding, support and prayers of so many of you, not only here in Rome, but also throughout the world. The decision I have made, after much prayer, is the fruit of a serene trust in God's will and a deep love of Christ's Church. I will continue to accompany the Church with my prayers, and I ask each of you to pray for me and for the new Pope..."

He'll surely need it.

Watch, AFTER THE JUMP...

Britain's Top Catholic Cardinal Keith O'Brien Resigns Amid Gay Allegations, Won't Vote for Next Pope

Over the weekend, Steve reported that three priests and a former priest in the United Kingdom have accused anti-gay Cardinal Keith O'Brien of what The Observer reports as "inappropriate behaviour" involving the men. The newspaper lists the claims by the four (referred to as Priests A, B, C & D) which go back 33 years.

The Cardinal had responded that he would contest the claims and take legal action.

Now, it appears, he is stepping down, the Telegraph reports:

The most senior Catholic cleric in Britain, Cardinal Keith O'Brien of St Andrews and Edinburgh, has been forced to resign ahead of schedule following allegations that he made homosexual advances to younger clergy in his diocese – and isn't now expected to attend the conclave to elect the next Pope. There will now be no Briton in the Sistine Chapel when voting takes place. O'Brien's early resignation is believed to have been at the personal insistence of Benedict XVI, in one of his last acts as Pope.

The Cardinal denies the allegations, whose publication has been carefully timed – but his decision will remind the cardinals meeting in Rome next month that allegations against its clergy have now permeated the entire institution.

The next Pope's first priority must be to restore confidence in the sexual probity of the Church. Who on earth is going to be able to do that?

Yes, who on earth is going to be able to do that?