Brian Paddick | Great Britain | Law Enforcement | London | News

Excerpts from Gay Ex-Police Chief Brian Paddick's Memoir

The Evening Standard in London has published portions of former top cop turned mayoral candidate Brian Paddick's memoir dealing with violence at the hands of a former boyfriend, coming out to his wife and parents, and the moments he first realized he was gay:

Paddick_2Writes Paddick (pictured here in the early 80's): "After I took my A-levels in the summer of 1976, my parents expected me to go to university but instead I joined the police. I knew that the force would be homophobic but it provided both the perfect cover and necessary encouragement for me to keep my sexuality under wraps. Late one night, shortly after the end of my probationary period, there was a knock on the door of my room in the section house. It was Barry, the guy from the next room, whom I had been admiring from afar. He was standing there in his underpants. 'I've noticed something about you, Brian,” he said. 'The way you look at me and some of the other guys.' My heart raced. My first thought was that I had been 'outed' and my career was over. But Barry told me not to worry, he wasn't going to tell anyone. He had realised I was gay and wanted to sleep with me. I was petrified. I was 21 and a virgin. 'All I want to do is sleep with you,' Barry said. 'We don't even have to touch.' His proposition brought a mixture of desire and absolute terror. Trembling, I nodded and we went to bed. After a while we fell asleep. Several hours later I woke up to find I wasn't shaking any more; my desire overcame my fear. I had mixed feelings about this first sexual encounter. Everything I had learnt screamed that this was wrong - at the same time it felt instinctively right."

Or, as Jim McGreevey would say, "a boastful, passionate, whispering, masculine kind of love."

Paddick is the Liberal Democrat candidate for mayor in an election scheduled for May 1st. He'll face incumbent mayor Ken Livingstone of the Labour party and Boris Johnson of the Tories.

My boyfriend beat me up, says controversial gay ex-police chief Brian Paddick [this is london]

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  1. Wow, handsome AND liberal. Wonder what the silver fox looks like now?

    Posted by: banjiboi | Mar 10, 2008 5:58:23 PM

  2. Me likes!

    Posted by: banjiboi | Mar 10, 2008 6:00:49 PM

  3. This biopic should be a hot, soft-porn movie of the week starring... hmm, help me out here.

    Posted by: johnny | Mar 10, 2008 7:59:21 PM

  4. The Lib Dems are kind of a weird party, IMHO, but it's always good to see a glbt person running for political office.

    Posted by: Ryan | Mar 10, 2008 8:03:33 PM

  5. wow, I am so gonna vote for him now... gosh I am shallow, but I am really sick and tired of the worst and the most expensive tube system in the world!

    Posted by: adam | Mar 10, 2008 8:27:47 PM

  6. It's really beautiful when a man has the balls to share his personal experiences like this. Bravo!

    Posted by: | Mar 10, 2008 9:40:21 PM

  7. Interesting that he talks at length about how wonderful his five year marriage was and how his wife was his soul mate. Then he goes on to give a one sentence mention of his seven year relationship with a man. Then he goes on to tell how horrible and abusive all of his other gay relationships were. Then he wants to keep his current relationship a secret.

    Sounds like an intro to an ex-gay seminar to me.

    Posted by: Zeke | Mar 10, 2008 10:42:18 PM

  8. Zeke, my wonderful friend, be happy that he finally came out! You said the same of me once upon a time and I turned out ok. Some of us are slower than others. My ex-wife remains my best friend. She is the woman that I chose to marry and the mother of my two kids. She deserves that respect.

    However, the relationship that I have with my partner is built on a level of honesty with myself that was missing when I was married. I was hiding something. Something that I did not want to face....I was gay. He came out, he may still be facing his deamons. Give him space.

    You know what I am saying, you understand me, you are my friend. I have come a long way my friend, he will too in time. If not, it will be his loss to endure!

    Take care

    Posted by: RB | Mar 11, 2008 12:22:19 AM

  9. RB, the way has presented his life in his book, which I have read much more of on other sites than is shown here, he says his marriage was wonderful and he was so "in love" with his soul mate wife and then he came out and every relationship he has had since has been horrible or abusive; except for the ONE sentence in which he mentions his relationship that he had with a man that lasted two years longer than his "perfect" marriage.

    My point in my original comment was that this sounds like the perfect story for the "ex-gay" industry to use in their propaganda materials.

    I think that you will understand what I'm saying better once you read more of his book.

    I stand by that statement; your friendship and my love for you and your family notwithstanding.

    Posted by: Zeke | Mar 11, 2008 12:15:57 PM

  10. Oh, and Paddick didn't have children with the woman he married. There is a bit of a difference between your situation and his.

    Posted by: Zeke | Mar 11, 2008 12:18:00 PM

  11. One more thing RB. You're looking at this from the perspective of a man who has to a great extent come to acceptance of his sexuality. This book will probably make for great entertainment for some out gay men and may even make for a trip down memory lane to others.

    That's not who or what I'm concerned about.

    I'm concerned about young gay people struggling with their sexuality, older gay people struggling with whether or not to come out or whether or not to play it straight, get married and go that route, or the already married gay man struggling with what to do next rushing out to get this book because they look up to Paddick. They see him as a masculine, successful, non-stereotypical gay man so they are deep down longing to hear him say that all the horrible things they hear about being openly gay (as opposed to staying closeted and living a "straight" life) are not true. Instead they are going to see him reinforcing their fears. I can't imagine a person struggling with their sexuality reading Paddick's book and coming away with any other impression than playing it straight may not be perfect but it's a hell of a lot better and happier and healthier than coming out into a world of short term, abusive and threatening relationships.

    RB, do you really think that reading a book like this would have been good for you at any time when you were struggling with your sexuality?

    Posted by: Zeke | Mar 11, 2008 12:52:06 PM


    Posted by: Brad | Mar 11, 2008 1:49:33 PM

  13. Zeke, as I'm sure you know, some (most *certainly* not all, or even a majority of) gay men are more emotionally attracted to women and more sexually attracted to men. In those cases there can be a real divide, where they love women every way but sexually, and love men almost only sexually. (I'm not referring to bisexuals.)

    Men I've known like this are deeply conflicted, and often have little interest in monogomous relationships with men or make poor choices when they do enter such relationships. It sounds to me like Paddick, despite his many professional accomplishments, obviously has some of these problems.

    So, I agree with you that his book may not be the best inspiration or aid in the coming out process. But I would also certainly hope that no one bases such a major decision on the experiences of one person they don't even personally know.

    Posted by: Paul R | Mar 11, 2008 2:38:58 PM

  14. PAUL, I agree that there are those who relate emotionally more to women but it’s been my experience that those gay men seem to be the least likely to marry a woman.

    I also think there is more outside influence in these issues than most would care to admit. The constant marinating in hetero-normative rules and behavior from our society, culture and families has a very powerful affect on how we relate emotionally to people of the same or opposite sex. The taboo against male-male emotional relationships is strong and influential.

    Another thing to take into consideration: All too often, by the time gay men come out, they are so emotionally and psychologically damaged that there's no wonder that they have trouble maintaining stable emotionally bonded relationships with men (or anyone else for that matter). I think we often tend to perpetuate the myth that gay men's inability to have emotional stability and long term relationships with men is a result of nature rather than a result of training and years of emotional/psychological damage.

    I think books like this inadvertently perpetuate these myths.

    Posted by: Zeke | Mar 11, 2008 5:06:38 PM

  15. Why don't u have a try a some bisexual dating sites as , where you can find many open-minded bisexual singles, like-minded bi couples, also hot bi curious too.

    Posted by: sandraon903 | Mar 12, 2008 4:45:50 AM

  16. Paddick says he's gay. He's never claimed to be bisexual so I'm not sure how that's relevant to this discussion about Paddick's book.

    Posted by: Zeke | Mar 12, 2008 10:21:50 PM

  17. But he writes a porn story well, and in london we want to know 1)is he uncut, 2) is his cock big, 3)does he play daddy roles well, and 4)does he take it up the whoopsie.
    He gets my vote as the other two parties... well, there are others too, but they are disgusting far right, communist etc etc etc, are an absolute joke.
    He will also be excedingly (sic) easy on the eye, and once he gets used to moving his lips when he speaks, instead of looking like a talking frog, even better.
    And can we have a picture of him in trunks please, slightly damp, maybe lightly tousled, but not too much?

    Posted by: hungdulwichlad | Mar 15, 2008 6:24:29 PM

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