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The new Brawny Man

Brawny1.jpg Brawny2.jpg

Has anyone noticed the studly new Brawny man? This article in Slate drew my attention to the regime change in the paper goods aisle. Or should I say, the passing of the tiara? The Slate article spends a lot of time talking about how the Brawny mascot has been Queer-Eyed or some such nonsense and how housewives into romance novels are really into him.

Well, the last time I saw a romance novel the guy on the cover didn't look like either of these Brawny men. He had long nelly flowing hair a la Fabio. Don't people realize that the Brawny man is a big friend o' Dorothy and always has been? It doesn't take a bitch slap from Richard Simmons to figure that out.

The guy hasn't been Queer-Eyed. In his time, the age of cocaine, Halston, and Studio 54, the old Brawny man was just as put together and groomed as this new Falcon Studios Mike Branson type appears today.

What interests me is the metamorphosis from 70's Castro clone to Abercrombie Zombie. Everything about the old Brawny man — the Gap blue denim shirt, the perfectly groomed Magnum P.I. moustache, and the bleached, feathered, so West Hollywood hairstyle — is straight out of the Badlands Bar at 18th and Castro circa 1978.

Now, the new Brawny man is harder to call. Homos blend in more easily these days. You see, he wants you to think that he's a character straight out of The Legend of the Great Moose, but rip off that plaid flannel shirt (and undershirt I might add) and you'll find him sporting a freshly shaved chest and black gothic armband tattoo. Somebody's ready to twirl off to the White Party in Palm Springs!

I do have a fondness for both these men though, power bottoms that they be. It's very reassuring to know that by buying a paper towel that can stand up to the toughest spills I can also ensure that the male homosexual's place in history is well documented.

Oh, looks like somebody's getting jealous!

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  1. I had the good fortune to stumble across your blog a few weeks ago and I am absolutely mad for it (though, in the blogslut hierarchy, my heart/loins belong to mumblefuck). Just thought I'd let you know. P.S. - In leafing through your best of '03 photos, I discovered that your folks and I share a hometown. All roads lead back to Motown (much to my chagrin).

    Posted by: Scott | Mar 26, 2004 5:20:44 AM

  2. Yeah, he looks a bit like Mike Branson. God, I had a crush on that guy. He retired from gay porn way too early.

    Posted by: Glenn | Mar 26, 2004 6:08:42 AM

  3. Actually, a couple months ago, this story was played out on VH1- Slate should really catch up.

    Posted by: Britt | Mar 26, 2004 6:56:40 AM

  4. I suspect, with the recent onslaught of 'the metrosexual', gays will continue to blend in for many years to come.

    It's funny how straight boys do things--we get an earring, they want one. We go for two, they go for two. Pretty soon they've gone and invented themselves a David Beckham, the quintessential Metrosexual.

    So when do they start wanting to marry each other?

    Posted by: Dylan | Mar 26, 2004 11:07:38 AM

  5. I love the Brawny history. He's gay, gay, gay. Thanks for the link to the Mike Branson pic I'd forgotten that I was in love with him

    Posted by: Tom | Mar 27, 2004 2:43:46 PM

  6. I thought my paper towels looked a little more... well, cuter.

    Posted by: daniel | Mar 27, 2004 9:40:07 PM

  7. I am so out of touch. I never even heard of Michael Branson. (He's very cute.)

    Posted by: Doug | Mar 28, 2004 2:24:10 PM

  8. Have you seen the TV commercial featuring these two guys? The set-up is that they are watching some soap opera or romance on TV and trade funny-bitchy comments back and forth. There is NO DOUBT that they are gayboys.

    Posted by: Will | Mar 28, 2004 4:17:23 PM

  9. I was so upset when I found out that Mike Branson was willing to bottom in "California Kings" but they couldn't get ahold of management at Falcon to authorize equal payment with Tom Chase. That would have been my ultimate fantasy. What a hot guy.

    Posted by: Lukey | Mar 4, 2007 6:12:01 AM

  10. Ever since Brawny dyed his hair it's
    never been the same for me.

    Posted by: Disappointed | Aug 22, 2007 12:48:04 AM

  11. BAREFEET pictures of MIKE BRANSON,

    iAM GAY!



    Posted by: ROBERT WHITTINGTON | Feb 26, 2008 4:31:32 PM

  12. Mike Branson is timeless. I was just searching for him today after I rediscovered him on the Net. The Brawny man is definitely a ringer. You have good eyes!

    Posted by: Steven | Aug 27, 2009 11:11:22 AM

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