Heidi Montag | News | Paul Rudnick

Revealed: Heidi Montag's Prayer to God About Plastic Surgery

Montag  

As transcribed by Paul Rudnick in The New Yorker:

"The reality-show personality Heidi Montag recently underwent ten plastic-surgery procedures on a single day. Montag told People that, before deciding to take these measures, “I prayed about it for a long time and said, ‘God, if it’s wrong, then I won’t do it.’"

The full text of Montag’s prayer has only recently been made available:

Dear Lord:

As You probably know, because I guess You sort of know everything, I’m thinking about having a mini brow lift; lipo on my neck, waist, hips, and thighs; a chin reduction; an ear job; fat injections in my cheeks, nasolabial folds, and lips; a revision of my previous rhinoplasty; a redo of my earlier breast implants; Botox injections in my forehead and frown area; and a buttocks augmentation, if that is Thy will.

I won’t go ahead with any of this if You don’t approve, but I keep thinking, Why would God have made my plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan, so totally cute if He didn’t want me to use him? Although, of course, I also wondered, Why did God make my hips and thighs, both inner and outer, a teeny bit chunky, and why did He dig those grooves around my nose? But then I thought, Maybe because God creates so many gazillions of new people every day there are bound to be some manufacturing imperfections, so in a way my nose is just a facial Toyota. Or maybe my parents never prayed enough, so God said, “I’m going to teach them a spiritual lesson by sending them a daughter with low, almost angry-looking eyebrows.” I bet that Angelina Jolie’s mother prayed every second of the day, especially for Angelina’s lips. Sometimes I just want to call up my mother and say, “Gee, thanks, Mom. Maybe I wouldn’t need to have my ears pinned back if you hadn’t spent so much time worshipping Satan.”

But I’m probably just being selfish, and I’m sure that You get tons of requests about correcting body parts. I mean, the cast of “Desperate Housewives” must have You on Speed-Prayer. And I know that my body-image issues aren’t Your No. 1 priority, because there are starving people and the ozone layer and this girl I know from my TV show who has, like, enough cellulite to stucco a split-level with a three-car garage. And I don’t think that I’m special in any way, so, even if You can’t get back to me, like, today, it’s totally O.K., because maybe there’s a hurricane somewhere, or an earthquake, and a lot of the victims will be asking, “While You’re saving my leg, could You also do something about my older daughter’s upper arms, because she isn’t getting any younger, and I don’t want to have to send her over to the next village?”

More at The New Yorker...

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Comments

  1. Im thinking that maybe they replaced her brain with silicone at some point.

    Posted by: Rovex | May 26, 2010 11:05:04 AM


  2. Seriously, this shit is funny but come on, it has to be a joke, right?

    Posted by: RONTEX | May 26, 2010 11:05:58 AM


  3. why is Barbie in the sun...? won't she melt?

    Posted by: Disgusted Gay American | May 26, 2010 11:14:43 AM


  4. Even though this is made up by Rudnick, you can almost hear her saying it herself.

    Posted by: patrick nyc | May 26, 2010 11:30:09 AM


  5. The legs came out great, but the ankles are way thick and there's nothing they can do about that. Boobs are too big, phony looking and wrecks the line (bearing in mind that this is a gay guy's critique). LOL But seriously, the whole point of plastic surgery is to look naturally spectacular, not manufactured. You know, like God loved you the best! LMFAO!

    Posted by: romeo | May 26, 2010 11:44:30 AM


  6. I'm positive she's also had BRAIN SALAD SURGERY....no?

    Posted by: yeahisaidit | May 26, 2010 12:08:04 PM


  7. This woman is fucking IN-SANE!!!

    Posted by: greg | May 26, 2010 12:30:06 PM


  8. She looks gross. She doesn't even look like a human being anymore. How she's carried on this tangent about how god is on her side when she decided to stretch her face and body and get two brand new tits is ridiculous, a mockery.

    Posted by: Jake Orlando | May 26, 2010 12:51:50 PM


  9. Come on, folks, this is parody. Rudnick is a regular -- and brilliantly funny -- contributor to The New Yorker. This piece is in the current issue's "Shouts & Murmurs" sections, which always features parody and/or satire. Plus, do you really believe that Heidi could rmember this much, much less write it out?

    Posted by: Kelly | May 26, 2010 1:06:24 PM


  10. She was ugly before and she is uglier now!

    FAIL!

    Posted by: Mik | May 26, 2010 1:28:24 PM


  11. >>the whole point of plastic surgery is to look naturally spectacular, not manufactured. You know, like God loved you the best! LMFAO!

    Make that 2 LMFAO!!!

    Posted by: DippyDoo | May 26, 2010 1:59:06 PM


  12. that is the funniest fucking thing I've read all day. And that's saying something since I just watched yet another rightwing windbag explain that we're all hitler youth. I do love the New Yorker. Gotta go drink a shoetini now.

    Posted by: wtf | May 26, 2010 2:46:00 PM


  13. I feel Paul Rudnick somehow, just out of camera range.

    Posted by: Bryan Harrison | May 26, 2010 4:34:37 PM


  14. Well I think she looks kinda better don't you think.

    Posted by: Cajiva | May 27, 2010 3:13:45 AM


  15. For the best in treatment go to Dallas plastic surgeons.

    Posted by: Pam56 | May 30, 2010 6:14:46 PM


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