Matthew Dempsey | News

Why are Gay Men So Judgmental Toward One Another? - VIDEO

Dempsey

Psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey takes a look at the issue in a new video.

Watch, AFTER THE JUMP...

If you liked this clip, I posted one earlier this year featuring Dempsey discussing the need for validation.

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  1. I found myself agreeing with a lot of the comments - sometimes even when saying the exact opposite of the other. I don't emulate women but see myself as open and interested to feminine things. I do feel gays are more judgmental than straights but yet often more understanding and open. I realize that I judge gays because they have traits that I don't want associated with me (whether I have them or not) but scratch a straight and they can be judgmental as hell - but in a more entitled(?) way. I no longer like being part of the "gay community" but my closest friends are gay. Guess just being a gay man is more complicated than I thought.

    Posted by: Markt | Sep 12, 2012 3:29:16 PM


  2. you do have the problem. because i don't have that problem. :D

    i don't meet jobless meth-using lecherous liars. ever.

    you claim to meet them 90% of the time.

    that doesn't say anything about "gay men" - it says everything about the circles you frequent.

    :D

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 3:29:58 PM


  3. i love being a part of the gay community :D

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 3:40:39 PM


  4. I guess Canada is the Utopia everyone says it is then.

    And that being Canadian makes you uniquely unqualified to say much about American gays.

    Posted by: NVTodd | Sep 12, 2012 4:13:19 PM


  5. @LittleKiwi'sPeePee AKA RICK

    Your post was nothing but judging! Maybe you should take some of your own advice. You, Jason, Andrew et al are the first to come on here and spout your judmental crap then get bent out of shape when someone disagrees and you start the name calling and accusing people of the very same things you do! Grow up.

    "You never make an attempt to KNOW anything about the people who's comments you dismiss and make generalizations about." YOU have the nerve to say that?

    Little Kiwi is not perfect, I do get tired of his "here in Canada" musings. Not because I am anti-Canadian. Actually, I am Canadian and I don't like that is sounds like he's preaching at Americans...makes us all look bad.

    Posted by: OLIVER | Sep 12, 2012 4:14:38 PM


  6. Obviously the people here who claim gay men are not judgmental of each other have never been on that Douchebags of GRINDR site. Hell, they've just never been on GRINDR.

    Posted by: Alejandro | Sep 12, 2012 4:22:42 PM


  7. for what it's worth i also spend 6 months of every year in NYC. and being gay in NYC is pretty darn rad, too :D

    the community is what you make of it. it's what you bring to it.

    if you can't find gay people that you relate to then you're not doing it right. change your tactics, change your mindset, and remember that you're unlikely to get much joy out of anything if you tell yourself, beforehand, that you're not gonna like it.

    and canada aint utopia so don't dismiss this as me being all "oh, it's different in canada" - there are gay men all over america who enjoy being gay and magically are able to find gay friends who aren't on meth. change your social circles.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 4:24:42 PM


  8. One things clear, "the community" is comprised of many little subcultures that don't interact or overlap as much a some might suppose.

    I mean, to claim you don't know any gay men on meth has got to be the most ridiculous claim I've seen here today.

    You'd have to either be remarkably sheltered and insular, or outright lying.

    Posted by: "The Gay" | Sep 12, 2012 4:32:13 PM


  9. I know some recovering meth addicts but I don't know any active users. Am I sheltered?

    Posted by: Alejandro | Sep 12, 2012 4:33:35 PM


  10. Or just oblivious; it's not always obvious to the naive.

    Posted by: TedSaid | Sep 12, 2012 4:34:48 PM


  11. or the stereotype of gay men who "can't stop insisting that they're not like stereotypical gay men". which is totally a massive stereotype of its own.

    but how is that a healthy mindset? basing an identity on telling everyone how you don't fit some other concept of identity? it's like playing chess to avoid losing, not playing to win.

    if you're a gay man who considers himself "not like stereotypical gays" then congrats - you're still basing your concept of "gay" on what straight people have said.

    there are simply way too many stereotypes for "stereotypical gay" to be a statement that has any real weight.

    stereotypical bear? stereotypical twink? stereotypical gymbunny? stereotypical hipster? stereotypical artfag? stereotypical gutterpunk? stereotypical chelseaboy? stereotypical closet case?

    if you think "gay stereotype = __________" then you just show you've not dropped your defensive armour and you're still thinking that Gay = One Thing and One Thing Only.

    it's just simply not true. as all the gay people who interact happily in the world understand.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 4:39:59 PM


  12. or, The Gay, discerning enough with the people you choose to surround yourself with that you don't associate with people whose insecurities in life are unchecked who resort to harmful drug use as an escape.

    like alejandro i also have friends who are recovering, and recovered, users. but none that are users.

    but i'm a discerning 'mo. my people? gay men with no hang-ups about being gay. folks without hangups tend to not be users of harmful drugs.

    but again, my experience in the community is not limited to bars or clubs, neither of which i frequent much anymore.

    so we have some of with no meth-users in our lives, and other complainers on here who claim that the vast majority if gay men they meet are meth users.

    so, the conclusion can only actually be that one group of us knows how to seek out what we want, and the other doesn't.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 4:45:13 PM


  13. It's like I say, KIWI has nothing to do.

    Posted by: UFFDA | Sep 12, 2012 5:03:18 PM


  14. @LittleKiwi, tell me about it with the "stereotypes" . . . every guy who says "I'm not stereotypical" turns out to be a stereotype. Usually they fall into the hipster/bear/geek/artfag category.

    We're all products of our community/ies and that affects the way we behave. I'm a cross-pollination of Cuban/Artsy/Preppy/Hippie/Opera Queen and I love it.

    Posted by: Alejandro | Sep 12, 2012 5:08:04 PM


  15. amen alejandro!

    i'm not yet an opera queen. i'm still a lady in waiting. ;-)
    (fave is Don Carlos, btw)
    and the thing with "stereotypes" is just like you said. a gay man who thinks he's not a "stereotype" just proves his idea of a stereotype is what some straight anti-gay dunce has convinced him a "gay stereotype" is.

    remember this guy? what, pray tell, does he think a "stereotypical gay person" IS?

    http://youtu.be/2R6jqMysHaA

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 5:16:11 PM


  16. For me, all of this is solved by hanging out and being friends with, for lack of a beter term, cool people. Cool people don't have to be gay, straight, bi, man, woman, rich, whatever... they have to be honest, interesting and _______ (insert what's important to you).

    It's as simple as surrounding yourself with people you actually WANT to be around and being willing to walk away from those you don't (even if it means you're around less people). It also means forgiving flaws so that you're not completely alone. :)

    Posted by: Elias Barton | Sep 12, 2012 5:23:37 PM


  17. For me, all of this is solved by hanging out and being friends with, for lack of a beter term, cool people. Cool people don't have to be gay, straight, bi, man, woman, rich, whatever... they have to be honest, interesting and _______ (insert what's important to you).

    It's as simple as surrounding yourself with people you actually WANT to be around and being willing to walk away from those you don't (even if it means you're around less people). It also means forgiving flaws so that you're not completely alone. :)

    Posted by: Elias Barton | Sep 12, 2012 5:23:39 PM


  18. I agree that the older we get the less this superficial crap matters - unless you are trapped in some sort of permanent adolescent hell.

    Posted by: jaragon | Sep 12, 2012 5:32:02 PM


  19. AMEN ELIAS!

    some people seem to want the approval of "hotties" (which is a shallow thing to want...) then get put off when said hotties don't give it to them.

    if you have a shallow motivation you cant' be surprised by a shallow rebuffing.

    remember those teen films where we're suposed to root for the geek who wants the hot cheerleader? i always thought the geek was a shallow prick - what was it about the cheerleader that he wanted, other than her hotness? no rad geek chicks to date, with substance over style? it aint just the cheerleader who's shallow for not wanting the geek - the geek is shallow for not wanting other geeks. which is odd because geeks are usually hella interesting.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 5:35:15 PM


  20. I must agree that what they are talking about is rampant - and it is also ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT ... there is a reason there is a band named that.

    Remember those vapid body obsessed eyebrow nazi's who band together are really very very unhappy -- also the career climbing "EXCLUSIVE" gay executive class ... been there ... done them. They are very very very unhappy no matter how many homes they by to renovate and redecorate.

    Posted by: RJP3 | Sep 12, 2012 5:59:33 PM


  21. This is an issue that needs to be addressed. I've seen soo much judgement and drama in my local gay community. It's upsetting sometimes.

    Posted by: NeverEclipsed81 | Sep 12, 2012 6:27:17 PM


  22. remnants of self-hatred...

    Posted by: ACe | Sep 12, 2012 6:30:09 PM


  23. i was once hit up by a guy whose profile was the usual pathetic "no fats fems asians or blacks" nonsense, to which I stated that i was not interested in *him* because of his prejudicial preferences and the pathetic way in which they were stated.

    he got upset and said it "wasn't fair" that i was judging him for his preferences. so, he pre-judge people based on their ethnicity but i can't judge him for judging them.....rrrriiiiiggghhhtttt... ;)

    it went on and on - that i should "give him a chance". the chance he won't give "blacks or asians". that it "wasn't fair" of me to not want to meet him due to his prejudices.

    it was all hilariously ironic. yeah. you don't have to "give blacks a chance" but i have some obligation to give you a chance?

    homey don't play dat.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 6:36:47 PM


  24. You feel superior for admittedly pre-judging someone who you feel was pre-judging people, based on a profile stating his sexual preferences ?

    I have to laugh at how you're so arrogant and pretend to be so amazing and inclusive, all the while passing up every opportunity to have some exposure to the parts of the community that you so frequently judge and bemoan.

    You're a hypocrite. You passed up an opportunity to change hearts and minds just so that you can feel smug and superior.

    And your posting history here, OMG, how much more narcissistic COULD you get ?

    I have to say, I didn't agree with all the negative posts about you until now, KIWI. You really ARE a bore.

    Posted by: TedSaid | Sep 12, 2012 7:11:56 PM


  25. Give him a break, he's still referencing high school experiences. In a few years he'll snap out of it when he realizes that "out here" the really interesting people are WAY over THAT past.

    Posted by: "The Gay" | Sep 12, 2012 7:14:47 PM


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