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Dan Savage On The Risks Of Being Monogamish: VIDEO


In the latest installment of his "Ask Anything" videos for Andrew Sullivan's The Dish, Dan Savage divulges what he thinks is the most dangerous part about being in a "monogamish" relationship, that is, a relationship in which, "you're mostly monogamous, with a little squish around the edges."

Watch the video AFTER THE JUMP...


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  1. is Daniel Villareal still posting here...?


    he's disgusting queerty trash and should not be on towleroad.

    Posted by: Aldrich | Jul 1, 2013 7:09:51 PM

  2. I rather end things than dilute whatever relationship there is. If you need someone else, it's because that person isn't everything to you anymore.

    Posted by: Jay | Jul 1, 2013 7:35:22 PM

  3. Savage is like a stray dog. Get angry with your monogamous partner because you need variety? The answer is don't have a monogamous relationship. What you propose is the entire reason "gay marriage" should never have happened. When you are an impotent old queen -- and you will be --then what of your selfish desires?

    Posted by: FOff | Jul 1, 2013 7:57:20 PM

  4. i'll never understand why people who can't get a man think it's the fault of the couples who enjoy a healthy, active, happy, communication-encouraging openly-sexual relationship.

    i suppose it's because if some person is insecure and needy and jealous then they assume that all others are, or should be. but that aint the case.

    some people need 2 orgasms a week. some need 20.
    and we all relate to sex and sexuality differently.

    openly-sexual relationships work great of both partner's want it for the same reasons.

    Posted by: Little Kiwi | Jul 1, 2013 8:04:47 PM

  5. Dan annoys me a lot of the time, WTF is monogamish? that makes no sense and it is not possible, just as someone cannot be "a little pregnant", someone cannot be monogamish, you are either in a monogamous relationship or you are not, there is NO grey area.

    Posted by: johnosahon | Jul 1, 2013 8:16:22 PM

  6. Any two or more people in an intimate, committed relationship, have a set of values unique to them. It's up to them to decide everything from which way to hang the tp to what their sex life's gonna be like. My partner's and my values are unique to us and work for us. I see no reason to impose our decisions on others. If a couple ( or threesome, or whatever ) have difficulty working things out, there are many good counselors out there to turn to for assistance.

    Posted by: throwslikeagirl | Jul 1, 2013 8:21:34 PM

  7. johnasahon, Im sorry you couldnt figure out what he was saying. It was actually pretty obvious.

    Posted by: Jerry | Jul 1, 2013 8:23:15 PM

  8. What an asshat

    Posted by: Joshua | Jul 1, 2013 8:23:36 PM

  9. I think a lot of what he's saying is on the money, if you can separate yourself from the emotional side of it. You could theoretically have an affair of the heart or an emotional affair with someone but never get physical with them; I'd much rather have my partner and I in a monogamish scenario where we play with another guy or two, vs. him not coming home several nights a week because he's made a new "friend" that he goes to dinner with, talks to every day, confides secrets in, etc. That, to me, would be a lot more hurtful than seeing him get off with some hot guy, especially if I'm watching or joining in. I understand this causes a lot of mixed emotions among people. (A hot guy on Growlr in Seattle had a lengthy spew about the whole issue, which made him almost angry--but he hasn't been in a 20-year relationship yet.) Whatever works for you and yours.

    Posted by: Dback | Jul 1, 2013 8:32:09 PM

  10. What's the different between monogamish and non-monogamous? I'm really confused.

    Posted by: bravo | Jul 1, 2013 9:29:08 PM

  11. Perhaps the NOM folks were right. We may have just birthed polygamy. Thanks Dan!

    Posted by: venom | Jul 1, 2013 9:38:04 PM

  12. He's still gross.......

    Posted by: Alan Brickman | Jul 1, 2013 9:52:17 PM

  13. <----living grey area :D

    Dback, you hit it on the nose, exactly.

    so many times i've heard guys say "oh, i couldn't be in an open relationship, i'm way too possessive and jealous"

    as if, uh, those are great admirable qualities to have in a relationship.

    "So, what keeps you guys together?"
    _oh, you know. my jealous possessiveness.


    Posted by: Little Kiwi | Jul 1, 2013 10:06:20 PM

  14. <----living grey area :D

    Dback, you hit it on the nose, exactly.

    so many times i've heard guys say "oh, i couldn't be in an open relationship, i'm way too possessive and jealous"

    as if, uh, those are great admirable qualities to have in a relationship.

    "So, what keeps you guys together?"
    _oh, you know. my jealous possessiveness.


    Posted by: Little Kiwi | Jul 1, 2013 10:06:21 PM

  15. Kiwi: I'm glad you're not impregnating anyone with those 20 orgasms. You have spared us the risk of any more of your kind.

    Posted by: TT | Jul 1, 2013 10:28:54 PM

  16. To me non-monogomy or an open-relationship you play together and separately. Monogomish is a couple who are mostly mongamous but may occationally play together with another guy. I've been with my guy for 16 years and never saw it happening. But with open and honest communucation (and this is key along with both partners consenting) there is no jealousy as we set ground rules and follow them. It is a once in awhile event that is kind of hot. It opened up a whole new line of communucation between us and has made us even more intimate with each other. A surprise to me for certain. And I have to say, heterosexual couples do it too.

    Posted by: Pj | Jul 1, 2013 10:36:39 PM

  17. I bet Dan brings a "little squish" home with him if he forgets to bathe.

    Posted by: FOff | Jul 1, 2013 10:45:16 PM

  18. @TT - is that how your parents wished you a Happy Pride? :D

    Posted by: Little Kiwi | Jul 1, 2013 11:00:26 PM

  19. Monogamish relationships never work. There is always one person in the mix whose feelings get bruised when even a slight emotional connection is formed between two and the third feels slighted. I say either be monogamous or be single. That is it.

    Posted by: tiko | Jul 1, 2013 11:03:48 PM

  20. It's astounding how evil some of these comments are. For god's sakes, he's just giving his opinion. Are you really so threatened by it?

    Posted by: Rich | Jul 1, 2013 11:10:41 PM

  21. It's a goal, perhaps,the ideal, but....

    Posted by: rick scatorum | Jul 1, 2013 11:12:49 PM

  22. Exactly, Rich, some people seemed weirdly threatened by Dan talking openly about sex and sharing some thoughts. If his thoughts don't apply to you, or you think they don't, what's the problem? You can make your relationship whatever you want it to be. Dan won't arrest you.

    To those who think there are only 2 choices, monogamy or being single--many of us who are in successful long term relationships can attest that this isn't the case. The key is having whatever you agree on as a couple be what you practice and to be honest. Monogamish can work just fine, as can a threesome, but only if you're both comfortable with it. If monogamy suits you better, that's fine, too.

    Posted by: Ernie | Jul 1, 2013 11:46:25 PM

  23. Kiwi: My parents did me a favor by accepting my sexuality at age 16. Of course having a gay Canadian oldest brother helped. I came out in Toronto. Being gay didn't receive the overkill status it has today. No "It Gets Better" videos required. Just get out there and live your gay live. The men and boys of my dreams were real.

    Posted by: Gb | Jul 2, 2013 12:43:54 AM

  24. When did Dan received a degree in physiology,
    he need s to stick to his anti bulling thing and shut up about things he should not be talking about. If you are going to screw around then don't get married.

    Posted by: bructer | Jul 2, 2013 1:54:12 AM

  25. Here's the thing, and I've been in both monogamous and open relationships, all long term. This cannot be a general discussion. The success of any of these choices depends on the people in the relationship and their honesty with each other. There's no "formula" you can plug in to any two people. Stop looking for answers from people like Dan, who are outside the two of you. Discuss the details with yourself and your partner. No rules that work for any couple apply to any other couple. Talk to each other. And ONLY to each other.

    Posted by: Chris | Jul 2, 2013 3:30:57 AM

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