Gay Marriage | Nigeria | Science

Nigerian Post-Grad 'Scientifically' Proves Gay Marriage Is Wrong

Chibuihem Amalaha

Chibuihem Amalaha of the University of Lagos in Nigeria has made what he believes is a scientific breakthrough: using physics, chemistry, biology, and mathematical experiments, he has proven that gay marriage is wrong.

The breakdown:

Physics - with magnets, like poles repel while opposite poles attract, thus should like sexes repel and opposite sexes attract.

Chemistry - an acid mixed with a base will react and result in a neutral solution, while acid added to acid or base to base remains acid or base with no reaction, thus a woman added to a woman or man to man will not react.

Biology - animals like chickens and lions in zoos are not observed engaging in same-sex mating and sperm and eggs are both needed to make children, thus biology proves that gay marriage is wrong.

Mathematics - A + B = B + A, but A + A = A ("Actually in abstract algebra, A + A =2A but we are less concerned with the numerical value two") and because the result is the same there is no reaction, thus commutativity and idempotency prove that gay marriage is wrong.

Amalaha hopes to have his findings published in international journals, but is presently having troubles securing the funding necessary. One day he wants "to be the first African to win Nobel Prize in science," a difficult goal given that Max Theiler of South Africa won it for Medicine in 1951, Claude Cohen-Tannoudji of Algeira won it for Physics in 1997, and Ahmed H. Zewail of Egypt won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry in 1999.

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  1. When he sends his findings to a scientific journal I hope he's ready to be laughed out of town.

    Posted by: DannyEastVillage | Sep 17, 2013 7:11:04 AM

  2. oh--and I forgot to mention--he's gay.

    Posted by: DannyEastVillage | Sep 17, 2013 7:11:52 AM

  3. This man is an idiot. He has a post-doctorate in what, Alchemy?

    Posted by: Gordon | Sep 17, 2013 7:18:14 AM

  4. I think I saw this "scientist" dancing on a speaker at Boy Bar last weekend.

    Posted by: Gigi | Sep 17, 2013 7:22:36 AM

  5. Be charitable. He's as smart as any of the scientists at Liberty University.

    Posted by: AKSARBENT | Sep 17, 2013 7:30:06 AM

  6. Isn't this the same 'Nigerian Scientist' that promised to turn lead into gold if I gave him some gold to study?

    Posted by: Robert | Sep 17, 2013 7:32:59 AM

  7. This makes me feel better about the American education system.

    Posted by: Dex | Sep 17, 2013 7:37:40 AM

  8. Um... So my north pole fits into some south holes pretty well. I think magnetism proves butt sex and 69ing are the way to go.

    Posted by: Jason | Sep 17, 2013 7:39:17 AM

  9. He stole the idea from someone else (Google this)! But is excused because homophobes can do no wrong.

    Posted by: sword | Sep 17, 2013 7:39:19 AM

  10. My partner has been toiling away on a PhD for years...little did we know that all it took was throwing some magnets together and pouring some vinegar into baking soda to make a volcano.

    Posted by: Stm007 | Sep 17, 2013 7:41:08 AM

  11. I think I
    ll do what the new Miss America just did - rise above this. At least for today. Tomorrow I may get back my ornery.

    Posted by: Manny Espinola | Sep 17, 2013 7:44:33 AM

  12. More like an intellectual breakdown than a scientific breakthrough.

    Posted by: Jack M | Sep 17, 2013 7:55:14 AM

  13. His last claim was that I hit the lottery and needed to send $3000 to begin processing the winnings.

    So this is his next big scam; get the Christian Right to send him money to further his "research". Nothing like tapping into the unlimited wealth of evil and hatred.

    Posted by: Rad | Sep 17, 2013 7:56:10 AM

  14. This has to be from The Onion, right? Even the stupidest, most rabidly anti-gay Right-Winger Evangelicals wouldn't try pull off something this moronic.

    Posted by: FuryOfFirestorm | Sep 17, 2013 8:02:50 AM

  15. Water puts out fire, so this scientifically proves that men should only have sex with women! Only an idiot would deny this!

    Posted by: FuryOfFirestorm | Sep 17, 2013 8:04:56 AM

  16. He must have gotten his education studying those textbooks published in Texas.

    Posted by: JonnyNYNY2FLFL | Sep 17, 2013 8:09:45 AM

  17. It's the voice of darkest Africa, home to the long-to-linger hobgoblins of monstrous ignorance and superstition. Imagine it as the background "science" of homophobia and it become terrifying, like the German eugenics of antisematism.

    Posted by: UFFDA | Sep 17, 2013 8:21:27 AM

  18. He probably shouldn't quit his day job

    Posted by: hornlongjohn | Sep 17, 2013 8:29:44 AM

  19. Wow. Makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for all your arduous research Chibu-bro. Nobel Prize? Hell I say let's give him his own planet. Soon.

    Posted by: Bill | Sep 17, 2013 8:30:21 AM

  20. Wow. Makes perfect sense to me. Thanks for all your arduous research Chibu-bro. Nobel Prize? Hell I say let's give him his own planet. Soon.

    Posted by: Bill | Sep 17, 2013 8:30:22 AM

  21. A future Nobel Prize winner? No.

    But he appears to be a leading candidate for the Cindy Jacobs Award. People should be required to get a license to be that stupid....

    (On the positive side, he does dress better than Cindy)

    Posted by: AdamTh | Sep 17, 2013 8:31:04 AM

  22. This University of Lagos "grad student" apparently is the educational product of the Nigerian version of Tea Party Christofascist creationism home schooling. He'll go far in academia with results like his Noble Prize-level theories proving scientifically that SSM is wrong - NOT!!!

    Posted by: HadenoughBS | Sep 17, 2013 8:34:05 AM

  23. I liked the math example the best, almost turned me straight. A plus A equals 2A, but wait, that sounds like two guys coupling, so I'll change it to A plus A equals A. As long as I footnote that my new equation isn't mathematically correct, (as any five year old who knows 1 plus 1 equals 2 can attest), I think this still works.

    Posted by: Brian1 | Sep 17, 2013 8:40:50 AM

  24. Stupidest person ever.

    Posted by: fedorajoe | Sep 17, 2013 8:59:36 AM

  25. Well it's hard to refute such compelling evidence!

    Between Kirk Cameron proving the existence of God with a banana and this dude, there's some really brilliant scholarship coming out of the Christian Right! *rolls eyes*

    Posted by: Caliban | Sep 17, 2013 8:59:53 AM

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