I want to begin this week by thanking the man or woman responsible for somehow sneaking in my Eric (Alexander Skarsgård)-Jason (Ryan Kwanten) slash-fiction into the True Blood writers’ room. It made no sense and was completely unnecessary (just a dream sequence), but I certainly wasn’t complaining.
In addition to that scene, there were enough holes in tonight’s episode (plotholes! get your mind out of the gutter!) to remind viewers that this is True Blood, after all, and it’s best not to think too hard about it.
Let's relive some of this week's insanity, AFTER THE JUMP ...
Following Sookie (Anna Paquin)'s plea to help the town battle back the H-Vamps, the townspeople are filing out of church. Everyone’s ambling about, and Rev. Daniels (Gregg Daniel) suggests Sam (Sam Trammell) encourage the community to spend the day in service, instead of fretting about the next inevitable wave of wild vampire attacks, or whatever. Great idea!
Lettie Mae (Adina Porter) is the first to embrace the mayor’s charge and is like, “You know what, I’m going to visit my sweet nephew Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis) who happens to be a psychic medium that could contact my dead daughter an excellent source for more hallucinogenic vampire blood one of my last remaining relatives.” “Great idea,” thinks Rev. Daniels. “What could possibly go wrong when my wife, a woman that struggled with addiction all these years, goes to visit her drug-dealing nephew after they both have just suffered a traumatic experience?” Just excellent thinking all around.
Fortunately, when Lettie Mae arrives at Lafayette’s, he’s got the good sense not to supply her with the drugs. Instead, she goes home and sticks her hand in a frying pan, sizzling it up real good. Then she runs out to wake Willa (Amelia Rose Blaire), because she clearly needs some vampire blood to help heal her wounds. (Well-played, Lettie Mae.) Once she’s hopped up on V, she has a vision of Tara (Rutina Wesley) speaking in tongues, dressed in white up on a cross with a snake writhing around her shoulders like she’s Britney at the 2001 MTV Video Music Awards. (Also: Super subtle imagery there with the cross and the snake, True Blood.)
Back at Bellefleur’s, the townsfolk are cleaning up the wreckage from last night’s attack. In walks Vince (Brett Rickaby), ready to rally the normals against Sam, Andy (Chris Bauer), Sookie and the vamps. He tells them all about Sam being a shifter. (He also reveals that Sam ran his mayoral campaign on “I’m a politician you can trust,” which has got to be the most lazy campaign platform ever. Stupid, stupid True Blood.) Anyway, the easily-riled masses are, well, easily riled and start grabbing whatever they can use as weapons from around the restaurant. Adilyn (Bailey Noble) uses her faerie mind-reading powers to realize that Deputy Kevin’s ladyfriend is thinking about all those guns waiting at the police station’s armory.
Adilyn and one of Holly’s sons try to get there first and warn Kenya about the impending mob. They start to hide the guns, but then the crowd shows up and convinces Kenya (Tanya Wright) that her boss has been a little too bossy all these years. Maybe she should just hand over all the town’s last remaining guns to this poorly equipped group of easily-riled dummies. Kenya's like, "You know what, great idea! Here. Take all these guns." So Kenya goes to grab Adilyn, who fires off a big faerie ball of light, easily riling the easily-riled and inciting them to toss her in lockup. This alerts Jessica (Deborah Ann Woll), who gave Adilyn some of her blood, that she’s in trouble. Unfortunately, it’s still a sun-shiney day outside and Jessica is trapped in the attic. So she rings Sookie, who, dumbly, threw away her phone last week. Then she tries to call the police station and gets no answer. Then she tries to call literally no one else. Does she have no other phone numbers? She paces up in the attic until Andy arrives, and, of course, he immediately accuses her of eating his daughter. She convinces him she did not. (Also, oddly, Jessica didn’t heal from when she let Adilyn sample some of her blood. I think it’s because Jessica hasn't been eating, and not that she’s got the virus.)
While all this is going down, Alcide (Joe Manganiello), Sookie, Jason, Andy and Sam are on the hunt for answers. Sookie recommends starting with the body she found in the woods, since the starving, wild vampires would definitely bring a body along and just abandon it in the woods and not eat it, for some reason. Sure. They find her ID and learn that she was from the next town over. Quick, to the mystery van! When they arrive at the aforementioned town, there’s no one left. All that remains is a mass grave and a bunch of boarded-up buildings. They investigate the dead woman’s home and surmise that she was taken during a pizza dinner with her baby. Since they’re already inside, Sookie thumbs through the woman’s diary, only to learn that this woman also fell in love with a vampire, and look what it got her. (Corpses: They’re Just Like Us!) When they get back home, Sookie sends Alcide up to shower and then scurries over to Bill (Stephen Moyer)’s place to ask if he still senses if she ever gets in danger. Why? NO REASON! JUST ASKING, GEEZ. I’m sure she’s not off to do something monumentally stupid.
Our hostages are still whimpering and shaking in the basement of Fangtasia. The vamp who couldn’t wait to eat Deputy Kevin (John Rezig) last week is getting a tongue lashing by the rest of the H-Vamps for getting greedy. They name Betty, a former teacher, as the new reaper. When she goes down to pick the next victim, Arlene and Holly realize she’s taught their kids. (I guess their whole “I GOT KEEDZ” schtick finally paid off.) They appeal to whatever’s left of her humanity, and she agrees to try and free them. After convincing the other vamps to let her be the sleep monitor (a lot of jobs in H-Vamp Town, can I get an org chart?), she sneaks down to free them. They’ve only got 12 minutes to escape, but first Betty’s gots to eat. So she sinks her teeth into Arlene just before melting into a pile of dead vampire parts. R.I.P., Betty! Say hi to Tara for me!
Speaking of saying hello … Hello, Eric! We found you! Well, technically, Pam found you. Eric’s been hiding in France and he’s got a secret. No, it’s not that he’s hot for Jason Stackhouse. He’s got Hep-V.
Will Pam find a cure in time? What kind of nonsense do you think Sookie is about to get herself into? Why isn’t Jessica healing? Share your thoughts in the comments!