There was plenty of tragedy to go around on last night's season five Game of Thrones finale. Just when you thought you were done with heartbreak, another one bit the dust, so to speak.
You may want to sit down before we get into it, because, for most of these characters, I've got bad news and, well, worse news.
Let's discuss the details.
Meanwhile, In Winterfell …
Yikes. Not sure if Mercury is in retrograde, or whatever, but things really aren't going well for Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane). After his devastating sacrifice of his daughter last week, now half his men have deserted him, and his wife hanged herself. Even Melisandre (Carice van Houten) is like “Uh, I've got a thing … “ and rides off. With not much left to lose, Stan and his men march on Winterfell, only to be met and mostly slaughtered by Lord Bolton's men.
An injured Stannis is left in the woods, and who just happens to be strolling on by? Brienne (Gwendoline Christie). We don't see Brienne land the killing blow to Stannis, so we could, technically, still speculate if she successfully killed him in the name of Renly. However, after sacrificing everything for a bungled battle, it's probably just his time to go.
While Ramsay (Iwan Rheon) is away fighting Stannis' men, Sansa (Sophie Turner) decides to make a move. She uses a purloined corkscrew to escape her chamber, but leaves the bartool behind, like a fool. Now how will she shank Ramsay and/or uncork a fine cabernet? She hustles on over to light the candle in the highest window of the broken tower (not like Brienne is still waiting around to see it, though). As she tries to sneak around the grounds unnoticed, she's cornered by Myranda (Charlotte Hope). As Ramsay's sidepiece fixes an arrow on the young Lady Stark, Theon (Alfie Allen) finally makes himself useful by tossing Myranda to her death on the courtyard below. Having dispatched Stannis and his men, Ramsay returns home, forcing Sansa and Theon to leap to an unknown fate over the wall.
Meanwhile, In Dorne …
Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) is all ready to take Myrcella (Nell Tiger Free) back to King's Landing. OK, everybody on the boat! But before Myrcella can hop aboard, Ellaria (Indira Varma) pulls in the young princess for a big ol' smooch on the mouth. Boy, she really seems to have come around, right? I mean, just the other week she was ready to kill Myrcella, and now they're all kissy-kissy. How sweet!
In transit, Jaime awkwardly attempts to confess that he may have been a little too kissy-kissy with Myrcella's mother/his sister. She reveals that, duh, she knows and she's happy that he's her dad and it is so sweet that almost no one notices that Myrcella's nose is bleeding and, oh no, she's dead. Dead dead dead. In case there were any doubts, we see Ellaria back on the docks wiping off her lipstick and taking an antidote.
Meanwhile, In Braavos …
Meryn Trant (Ian Beattie) is doing his thing, smacking around young girls for funsies. He whacks the first girl, and she shrieks in pain. Same for the second. The third victim, however, barely even flinches. Trant sends the first two girls away and then really lays into the third. She removes her face to reveal herself as Arya (Maisie Williams) before super murdering him like a whole lot. Like a lot a lot. She stabs out his eyes, she stabs him a bunch all over his torso, and then she finally cuts his throat.
When she gets back to the House of Black and White, Jaqen H'ghar (Tom Wlaschiha) isn't thrilled with her choices. She had a job to do: She was supposed to take her mobile raw bar around and then poison the gambler. Instead, she stole a face and super murdered someone else. Now, the rules are a bit hazy, but if you borrow another face to kill someone who was not officially sanctioned, it's sort of frowned upon. Then Jaqen seemingly poisons himself, but then takes over another body while Arya frantically tears faces off his corpse. Then she goes blind. I guess I should really read up on my House of Black and White faceless assassin employee handbook, because there seems to be a lot of regulations there in the fine print.
Meanwhile, In Meereen …
Oh where, oh where has Daenerys Targaryen (Emilia Clarke) gone? Oh where, oh where can she be? That's the question on the minds of Tyrion (Peter Dinklage), Jorah (Iain Glen), Daario (Michiel Huisman), Missandei (Nathalie Emmanuel) and Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson). It's decided that Tyrion, Grey Worm and Missandei will hang back in Meereen and, you know, govern, while Jorah and Daario set out to find their missing queen. On the plus side, Varys (Conleth Hill) has arrived, so it's only a matter of time before those pesky Sons of the Harpy are sniffed out.
Elsewhere, Dany is trying to get Drogon to fly her back to Meereen, but she has about as much luck as trying to work with Delta customer service, which is to say no luck at all. While Drogon lazes about, she sets out to find some dinner. What she finds instead is a big ol' group of Dothraki.
Meanwhile, In King's Landing …
Cersei (Lena Headey) is still in full Orange Is the New Black mode, locked up in the dungeons. Finally, she decides to give the whole confession a whirl. How much worse can it be? So she reports up to the High Sparrow (Jonathan Pryce) and is all yes, yes boinked my cousin. Sorry. The Sparrow, however, seems to have a little more up his sleeve. He asks about Cersei maybe also keeping it in the fam with her brother, but she denies it. OK, then, now with that confession out of the way, we can all just return to our normal business, yah? Unfortunately, there's still a trial and also an “atonement.”
And, what, exactly does an atonement entail? Funny you should ask! First, a bunch of nuns give Cersei the full microderm abrasion body scrub down. Then, it's time for a makeover! They take a razor to her hair, briefly giving her a very Keith Urban look before settling on some fierce Mia Farrow realness. (Cersei is serving some cheek bones for days.) It's all very Anne Hathaway in Les Mis. The Queen Mother is then stripped naked and forced to walk back home through crowds of people throwing food, excrement, spitting on her and all kinds of other horrible harassment. It's a completely debasing experience that just seems to go on forever. If Cersei wasn't broken yet, she certainly is now.
When she reaches her destination, she's greeted by a new member of the King's Guard: The reanimated corpse of The Mountain (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson)! That will certainly come in handy when she exacts her revenge.
Meanwhile, At the Wall …
Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) is still a little shaken up, which makes Sam (John Bradley)'s timing a little unkind. Tarley asks if he, Gilly (Hannah Murray) and the baby can high tail it out of there before things take a turn for the even more worse. Snow agrees, which ends up being a huge mistake. Once they're gone, Olly (Brenock O'Connor) lures Snow outside where members of the Night's Watch take turns stabbing the Lord Commander one at a time, with Olly delivering the killing blow.
The Internet is already ablaze with rampant speculation about this “death.” What do you think? Is Jon Snow gone for good? What else could his future hold?
How do you feel about this season of Game of Thrones?
