Matthew Dempsey | News

Why are Gay Men So Judgmental Toward One Another? - VIDEO


Psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey takes a look at the issue in a new video.


If you liked this clip, I posted one earlier this year featuring Dempsey discussing the need for validation.

Feed This post's comment feed


  1. We judge others because we are insecure about ourselves.

    Posted by: Jack M | Sep 12, 2012 9:00:26 AM

  2. Wow he is absolutely beautiful!

    Posted by: Qwerty | Sep 12, 2012 9:03:51 AM

  3. The question that is more important to me is "Why do so many folks blindly accept the generaliztion that gay men are so judgemental to each other?" This is not my world at all. I have a wide array of gay friends. Some close, some more work aquaintences, some I only see once in a while at community events, from my town, etc. I see mature, kind, friendly guys. The only time I see judgemental behavior is on TV on sitcoms or commericals for reality shows like A-List or that 5 Gays. It really bugs me to see this post here at all, sanctioning this stereotypical blanket generalization as reality for all.

    Posted by: Anthony | Sep 12, 2012 9:04:35 AM

  4. Yes. Body size, clothes, shoes, home decor, tans, body waxing and hair styles just to feel better about ourselves.

    Posted by: M. Scott Hernandez | Sep 12, 2012 9:06:10 AM

  5. Anthony you must live in a lovely paradise. I think it's a reasonable opinion that we are judgmental. Heck, people are judgmental and it's usually those who say they're not that are the worst ones. Test my theory by going outside of your circle of friends and you'll be sure to get a taste on some level or another or see it being portrayed on someone else. Again, this isn't a gay trait alone.

    Posted by: Jakeinlove | Sep 12, 2012 9:10:55 AM

  6. I like his takeaway... paraphrasing, 'if we are judging others, that same negativity becomes a reinforcing self-talk' That's true.

    I watched the 2nd vid too... 'external validation is like a bonus at work, authentic validation is the regular paycheck'

    You have a great day! ;)

    Posted by: Pete N SFO | Sep 12, 2012 9:15:07 AM

  7. There's nothing wrong with judging. When you cross the road, you judge it as to whether it's safe to cross. When you get into your car and drive in pouring rain, you judge the conditions and change your driving accordingly. Judging is great in my view.

    As for judging people, it happens all the time. People judge people for various reasons. For instance, you might be concerned about a friend's direction in life. As a friend, you feel obliged to give him some advice which he may or may not welcome.

    Posted by: jason | Sep 12, 2012 9:15:34 AM

  8. @Qwerty, agree, those eyes esp.
    @Anthony, agree partly (in my life, I mean).
    But I also see and hear judging while out in a bar etc.

    Posted by: Matt26 | Sep 12, 2012 9:25:08 AM

  9. I have my doubts that a man that looks like a profession model has had a lot of people judging him. -- That being said, he had good advice.

    Posted by: David in Houston | Sep 12, 2012 9:32:42 AM

  10. I LOVE THIS. I'm in my early 20s and always thought gay men judged eachother because of internalized hate.

    Posted by: Agent Provocateur | Sep 12, 2012 9:32:54 AM

  11. well for me - the older you get the more superficial crap means less......I treat others as I myself wisht o be treated - the old saying is true - with age, comes wisdom

    Posted by: Disgusted American | Sep 12, 2012 9:34:18 AM

  12. The website, datalounge, is a good example of of gay men judging other men, dismissing them as worthless if they are short, are circumsized, are uncircumsized, have penises shorter than 8 inches, or any number of other immutable physical traits.

    Posted by: Dastius Krazitauc | Sep 12, 2012 9:38:42 AM

  13. Do gay men really judge each other more than straight people do? No, they may however manifest it differently. Maybe more verbally, in a more crass way.

    People judge each other as they do label each other. If you dont like being judged or labelled its because you dont like the judgement or label you are given. Those people tend to be less self aware.

    Posted by: Rovex | Sep 12, 2012 9:46:32 AM

  14. WOW- talk about a guy that projects confidence, wisdom & a clear soul which shows through his natural beauty.

    Posted by: ToddA | Sep 12, 2012 9:52:53 AM

  15. I don't know, I'm not really buying the fact that our judgments are mere projections.

    Posted by: jakke | Sep 12, 2012 9:52:56 AM

  16. This recent focus on gay men being judgmental toward one another is a false equivalency. It presupposes that because we have one thing in common - m2msex - that is at odds with the societal majority, we should suddenly be a conglomerate of rainbows, puppies and hands held across the globe.

    That idea is wholly fallacious. People are judgmental. I am no more or less judgmental than my straight younger brothers or my cousin. Frankly, my middle aged straight married coworkers are the most judgmental, unhappy, bitter people I know.



    Posted by: Ben | Sep 12, 2012 9:54:15 AM

  17. @DAVID IN HOUSTON: That is one of the most casually judgmental things that most of us do. If someone is better looking than us, they can't possibly feel judged or hurt or insecurity. "They must have a perfect life because they look like that." It's absolutely not true. Every single person out there is in some way trapped in their own personal Hell, no matter what they look like. It just manifests in different ways. Some are better at coping than others. But what you look like has nothing to do with what you have been through or what kind of pain you feel.

    Posted by: AJ | Sep 12, 2012 9:59:14 AM

  18. This is the pretty boy/pecs/chelsea/weho gay world where this judgement crap goes on and on and on. Vapid, skinny, stupid, unintelligent mofos... The blogger's pals..

    Posted by: James Smith | Sep 12, 2012 10:00:28 AM

  19. So, basically: Humans suck.

    Destroy all humans.

    Posted by: Polyboy | Sep 12, 2012 10:01:56 AM

  20. I love this video. He's smart.

    Posted by: Terry | Sep 12, 2012 10:05:06 AM

  21. This is hysterical, Matt and I dated and he is the most superficial and judgmental guy I've met.

    Posted by: Someone | Sep 12, 2012 10:20:35 AM

  22. Not to judge, but this is pop psychology (at its cutest, I might add).

    "Judging" in this context is about affiliation. It's about finding a social stratum or circle and keeping one's place in it.

    Gay men are more attuned to the drama inherent in social hierarchies because they have studied how to fit in as outsiders all their formative years of social development. Every gay man is a sort of expert on the nuances that mark affiliation to a group. It's drama. It's acting, and gay men have been doing it all their lives, and are naturally very cynical and very critical about the quality of the performance.

    So in a way it's criticism or critique rather than judgment. It's the judgment of connoisseurs toward the performances of their peers. And like any criticism of a performance, it's hardest on the amateurs.

    Gay society is hypercritical because gays are hypersensitive to society's pretensions. As gay society becomes more aligned to heteronorms, this will change. I think this video is probably evidence of that change.

    Posted by: mmennonno | Sep 12, 2012 10:27:21 AM

  23. What is he selling?

    Posted by: Mike | Sep 12, 2012 10:35:12 AM

  24. @MMENNONNO, would you say that's internalized oppression then? I mean, I feel like people of color, especially women of color, suffer the say judgment in society and the media.

    Posted by: Luke Skydancer | Sep 12, 2012 10:39:34 AM

  25. Most gay men of moderate to higher intelligence don't move through the world judging other gay men. Honestly, I'm too busy thinking about a range of things to judge. West Hollywood unfortunately attracts a lot of undereducated and insecure gay men. Thankfully these guys give themselves away pretty quickly in dialogue so it's easy to steer clear.

    Posted by: Bob | Sep 12, 2012 10:47:21 AM

  26. 1 2 3 4 5 6 »

Post a comment


« «Paper Chronicles Romney's Disturbing Interactions with Gay People: VIDEO« «