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Movies: How Do You Like Your Hercules?


Hercules
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Kellan Lutz will both play Hercules

BY NATHANIEL ROGERS 

In lieu of a review -- this weekend is all about the return of the now twenty-year-old Jurassic Park (in 3D) anyway -- how about some hyper-masculine movie news? 

Have you heard that there are not one but two HERCULES movies in the works? If it's not quite true that Hollywood is always out of ideas, it is definitely true that Hollywood only likes a few of them at a tine. Was it the success of brawny god/superhero Thor (2010) that convinced them? Was it TV's fleshy Spartacus? Whatever it was, Hollywood would like you to pay to see two sandle-clad Pec-tacular heroes next year. Unfortunately not in the same film so The Rock and The Lutz won't be wrestling around in the sand together in tiny skirts but each headlining their own Hercules pictures. 

MORE, plus some movie news AFTER THE JUMP...

The Rock will play the demi-god in Hercules: The Thracian Wars by terrible director Brett Ratner (who recently won a prize from GLAAD for deciding not to be a homophobe anymore. *gag* How about we give prizes to people who are our champions instead? Enough with the grovelling!). The Rock gives good fun screen presence but that title makes it seem like one of those dreadfully serious action films for whom fun is Kryptonite. Meanwhile Kellan Lutz, who has as of yet never exhibited anything like The Rock's screen charisma, will star in Hercules 3D for director Renny Harlin whose career has seen better days but he's capable of a certain over-the-top campiness that might better suit the material (Have you ever seen The Long Kiss Goodnight? Geena Davis sharp shoots while ice skating!)

I prefer my action heroes more slim but Hollywood never has. They're still looking for the Heir to Schwarzenegger & Stallone and the other cartoon-muscled giants of the 1980s. The search has never quite paid off since the hyper-manly hero has been replaced by the Traditional Superhero in the public imagination. Now, even if you have a sickening body like, say, Ryan Reynolds they still feel the need to replace it with fake looking CGI muscles (the worst of Green Lantern's many sins).

Hercules-four

Where was I? Yes, Herculean Strength. Who is your dream demi-god? 1950s Hercules Beefcake Steve Reeves, the Disney Hero who went the distance (drawn by David Kawena), Kellan Lutz, or The Rock?

BONUS SCENES

Siskel-ebert-thumbs  roadSpeaking of superheroes... artist Kevin Wada gives the X-Men ladies fashion makeovers.

 roadThere's a real argument to be made they Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel were the proto movie-bloggers. I'm not religious but I like to think that Siskel and Ebert can now share a cloud in heaven and bicker about the aesthetics of the Pearly Gates. I was devastated a dozen or so years ago when Siskel died and Ebert, too, shall be greatly missed. RIP.

 roadDid you catch the series premiere of Hannibal, yet another variation on the endlessly troublingly popular serial killer genre? This review is spot-on.

 roadAnd speaking of horror remakes, here's the new Carrie trailer starring Chloe Moretz and the great Julianne Moore (whose greatness does not generally involve the choosing of projects). They're all gonna laugh at it; there is just no replacing Sissy Spacek and her dirty pillows!

 roadHere's a fun variation on "character posters" that ubiquitous marketing trend for genre pictures (and even regular dramas like The Great Gatsby). Snowpiercer, a new sci-fi drama from the great Korean director Bong Joon-ho has released passports for all of its main characters

Nathaniel Rogers would live in the movie theater but for the poor internet reception. He blogs daily at the Film Experience. Follow him on Twitter @nathanielr.

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Comments

  1. So are all the people who got their panties in a knot because Satan was played by an Obama lookalike in The Bible now going to get upset because Hercules is being play by a Somoan actor?

    Posted by: David Hearne | Apr 6, 2013 7:43:54 PM


  2. And I thought queer muscle lovers were a myth. Flex and own... right boys?

    Posted by: TJ | Apr 6, 2013 7:48:43 PM


  3. I go with Kellan. Not because Duane is black, but because he's old...and he'd look weird with hair.

    Posted by: tico | Apr 6, 2013 8:05:28 PM


  4. *cough*Kevin Sorbo*cough*

    Posted by: ghostwhitehorse | Apr 6, 2013 8:06:00 PM


  5. Hopefully, they will reverse the heinous recent trend to keep Hercules completely covered in fugly clothing.

    Posted by: Taylor | Apr 6, 2013 8:43:28 PM


  6. I'm definitely going to the Lutz screening :)

    Posted by: Jay | Apr 6, 2013 8:45:22 PM


  7. How about Ryan Gosling reprising his version of Hercules. I mean he was the teen Hercules after all. Or its beneath him now that he's a Serious Box Office star.....

    Posted by: renee | Apr 6, 2013 8:56:00 PM


  8. The disney version (or rather, a certain artist's rendition of the disney version) is my choice.

    Posted by: Randy | Apr 6, 2013 9:10:01 PM


  9. I got the same reaction straight guys got from women's "tits" from boys biceps. Muscles made me gay from an early age, Nothing turned me on more. That was the one thing I couldn't deny in pretending to be straight.

    Posted by: Jake | Apr 6, 2013 9:25:45 PM


  10. Yay! let's worship straight men...on a gay blog. It's so cute.

    Posted by: Kelo | Apr 6, 2013 9:42:09 PM


  11. It is funny to me how anytime an out gay public figure is featured on here it's nothing but relentless bashing (Niel Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper, Adam Lambert, Ricky Martin) but post a picture of any straight guy, especially shirtless, and see how gay guys fawn over them. It's actually one of the reasons our community is so heavily held back.
    Our fixation with worshipping any and al straight men, and bashing the crap out of ANY and all successful gay men.

    Posted by: Bama Man | Apr 6, 2013 9:44:15 PM


  12. who cares? we have actual legit LGBT issues worth fighting for, speaking about, and be concerned toward.

    Which hetero actor is picked to make $30 million to read a few lines and take off their shirt doesn't really concern me much.

    Posted by: Gio | Apr 6, 2013 9:45:16 PM


  13. How could you leave Kevin Sorbo out of those pictures???

    Posted by: MDK | Apr 6, 2013 9:45:31 PM


  14. Lutz would be a great young Hercules- I rather see the Rock as Simbad

    Posted by: jaragon | Apr 6, 2013 10:17:57 PM


  15. Traditionally Hercules is played by a gay for pay actor is he not? Find us a good one!

    But seriously, as a child I watched the Hercules and gladiator movies all winter long. I even liked the Hercules cartoon. I really don't care if the actor is gay or straight. Saying that we prefer to fawn all over a straight actor is silly unless we're also being offered a gay actor of better quality.

    Posted by: David Hearne | Apr 6, 2013 10:45:54 PM


  16. Gay men can be built as well. It has nothing to do with straightness, although many attractive built gays are so obnoxious and vain you wouldn't want to go near them. Won't name names -- but many in Hollywood. Straight guys have a natural beauty, because they are not trying. Doing a straight boy is the height of erotic -- yes straight - not gay.

    Posted by: Jake | Apr 6, 2013 11:21:33 PM


  17. Hercules isn't black, duh.

    Posted by: Gast | Apr 7, 2013 12:18:11 AM


  18. "Fawning over a straight actor" is just realistically not happening. How close to any straight or gay actor do you think any common man or woman could get to a star to actually fawn over them? As to that dated photo of Kellan Lutz before he started taking an extreme regimen of steroids that have him all facially bloated and artificially "pumped up," well this particularly framed choice is a false one. And, yes, I agree that this level of discourse should be limited to TMZ or similarly trite websites, despite my needing to express my dismay at Lutz's use of steroids lately. But what can I say about which websites I choose to frequent: I'm here; I'm queer; and I hope I don't have to get used to this tabloid level of Towleroad.

    Posted by: Tom Cardellino | Apr 7, 2013 1:29:04 AM


  19. "The Rock" is an actor? KL naturally, at least he is sort of an actor.

    Posted by: Matt26 | Apr 7, 2013 2:42:57 AM


  20. We are elated to see the long-overdue comments here demanding that all sexually provocative pictures and writing dealing with cys males be eliminated! The very idea of worshiping images of scantily clad muscular males is abhorrent to the queer/trans/non-gender community. Gay males must be shamed into renouncing their obsession with male bodies because it flies against the facets of our new androgynous world where any and all expressions of traditional masculinity must be eradicated as the evil they are.

    Posted by: Taylor | Apr 7, 2013 3:11:16 AM


  21. David Hearne: That first comment... get back on your meds. Your trolling is now nonsensical.

    Posted by: Polyboy | Apr 7, 2013 3:38:40 AM


  22. Screw both of those weak choices, Joe Manganiello IS Hercules!

    Posted by: Tadpolicus Wex | Apr 7, 2013 6:38:42 AM


  23. why do people think The Rock is black? he's Polynesian, right? is this just a way to lump all non-whites into one group?

    Posted by: V-8 | Apr 7, 2013 7:24:50 AM


  24. To be fair, neither of them look like greek at all

    Posted by: jjose712 | Apr 7, 2013 8:23:39 AM


  25. "Joe Manganiello IS Hercules!"

    Yes. I second that.

    And I like my Hercules with some hair on 'im. Considering he was a Greek from the middle east, he'd be way hairier than the smoothies shown here.

    Posted by: johnny | Apr 7, 2013 8:24:11 AM


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