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Dan Savage Reveals the Part of His Book He Was Most Hesitant About Including: VIDEO


In one chapter of his new book, American Savage, Dan Savage explores the topic of being both married and continuing to attend fetish events like Folsom Street Fair and International Mr. Leather, but tells The Dish it was the one chapter he was hesitant about including.

Find out why, AFTER THE JUMP...

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  1. From the lack of comments I think others will agree when I say:


    Posted by: Ray | Jun 10, 2013 7:40:43 PM

  2. Dan, it's "married", not "gay married".

    Posted by: Knock | Jun 10, 2013 7:40:44 PM

  3. My criticism of Dan is his preoccupation with body image like so many other gay men. Sorry we don't all want abs, and don't want to go to the gym 24/7.

    Posted by: Bri | Jun 10, 2013 8:07:33 PM

  4. @ knock - It sounded as if he was saying "gay, married", not "gay married". In other words, they were two different adjectives. It would have been better if he had said, "gay and married."

    Posted by: Mike in the tundra | Jun 10, 2013 8:12:07 PM

  5. Um, he said "gay married ... folks."

    There was a pause - which, to me, sounded as if he realized in mid-sentence he should not be saying "gay married" as in "gay lunch" or "gay dentist appointment," and then added "folks." But the truth is, I can't read his mind, so let's go by his actual quote, i.e., "we are gay married folks" (as in married folks who are gay).

    Posted by: Zlick | Jun 10, 2013 8:25:25 PM

  6. More to the actual point, I think it's a shame you'd have your bona-fides or suitability as a parent questioned if you were seen at the Folsom Street Fair or some such ... but I think it's fair to say that question would be applied to straight parents as well as gay parents.

    Posted by: Zlick | Jun 10, 2013 8:27:08 PM

  7. It was definitely "gay-married".

    Either way, you lose me here, Savage.

    You'll be losing "Terry" down the road.

    When you don't value what you have, you won't keep it indefinitely.

    Posted by: MateoM | Jun 10, 2013 8:30:53 PM

  8. "When you don't value what you have, you won't keep it indefinitely."


    Posted by: You're so right. | Jun 10, 2013 8:35:42 PM

  9. "I didn't want to put this in my book as I was a little embarrassed about it, but here's a video of myself explaining just how embarrassed I was."

    Posted by: J Y | Jun 10, 2013 8:40:23 PM

  10. And then there's Mom, Dad and a poodle. Who cares? The kids don't need to know.

    Posted by: LJC | Jun 10, 2013 8:50:47 PM

  11. I personally don't have a problem with the expression "gay married" in this context, and agree with zlick's interpretation. And for the record, he's used it before and typed it with no comma:

    From a December 5, 2012 tweet:

    "Pot & marriage legal at 12 AM... Get gay married then high? Get high then gay married? Get gay high married? Get married high gay?"


    Posted by: Rexford | Jun 10, 2013 9:00:49 PM

  12. I can understand Dan's position in being reluctant to admit that he went to any kind of fetish anything. But he's right that its best to be honest about these things or there's a chance they will be used against you by opponents. While its true that most people don't like to hear of anyone who's a parent doing anything "kinky", its also true that Dan and Terry have been together for years and clearly have a stable relationship. It is this kind of stability that you need to raise a child.

    Peter LaBarbera, mentioned here, probably attend these festivals not for any kind of cheap thrills, but so that he can honestly say that he was there and that his version of events is not just based on a second hand account. I doubt he's turned on by what he sees. A homophobe who is turned on by anything gay would probably just avoid the whole subject of gay rights. But Pete's group "Americans for Truth about Homosexuality" has changed its name to "Americans for Truth." A sign of how hard it's getting to keep homopobia respectable, even within conservatism.

    Posted by: Mary | Jun 10, 2013 9:07:11 PM

  13. What's the point of getting married then? What's the point of even having a relationship? At some point it needs to become an "us" instead of a "me."

    Posted by: Edward | Jun 10, 2013 9:09:12 PM

  14. The Folsom Street Festival is for perverts. It started off as a festival for homosexually inclined male perverts but then got taken over by sleazy straight guys and their bisexual fremale enablers.

    Whenever promiscuity and sleaze are appropriated by men who interact sexually with women, it creates a bisexual double standard wherein women are expected - and indeed rewarded financially - for performing lesbian acts for the benefit of straight guys. If this is the natural progression of the gay rights movement, I'm bailing out.

    As for Dan, face it, Dan - you're a man. You're horny. You go to Folsom and IML for the same reason straight guys ogle women's boobs.

    Posted by: Adam | Jun 10, 2013 9:13:41 PM

  15. If I saw Dan and Terry getting it on at Folsom I'd probably whip off a few shots myself! Studs!

    Posted by: dumbnhung | Jun 10, 2013 9:22:40 PM

  16. Since they go together, how is that not "us"?

    Some people don't seem to actually listen to Savage.

    Question: Suppose you like to play cards but your partner does not. Is it an "us" vs. "me" thing for you to go to a card gaming group without your partner?

    "But, playing cards isn't like having sex!"

    Indeed, it isn't. But for many people, sexual activity, while a form of intimacy, is not a threat to their emotional commitment to each other. You let your partner have their own friends, yes? You aren't intimidated by the fact that your partner may confide in their friends, are you?

    If you and your partner wish to engage in exclusivity in your sexual dealings, then that is something you need to discuss with your partner. But don't presume to be able to tell others what is or is not a sign of "commitment."

    And on top of that, you're assuming that they even play around at Folsom and IML. Just because you go doesn't mean you attend the play parties. And even if you do go to the play parties doesn't mean you play with anybody other than your partner.

    Posted by: Rrhain | Jun 10, 2013 9:24:10 PM

  17. I'm sorry but Folsom smells. It's a breeding ground for STD's. What a charming face we show the world...not.

    Posted by: jason | Jun 10, 2013 9:34:57 PM

  18. I'm sorry but Folsom smells. It's a breeding ground for STD's. What a charming face we show the world...not.

    Posted by: jason | Jun 10, 2013 9:34:58 PM

  19. Oftentimes now I wish we weren't living in a society that demand we share EVERY. PERSONAL. THING. I guess I am turning into my grandparents.

    Posted by: Ken | Jun 10, 2013 9:40:33 PM

  20. @Rrhain , totally agree with you. IML and Folsom and Southern Decadance/Mardi Gras can be spectator events or you can join in, with or without a partner.

    Posted by: AriesMatt | Jun 10, 2013 9:47:40 PM

  21. It's a side of you that you can't deny. In the pre-marriage era it would mean nothing. In the married era it becomes something that really goes to the core of what turns you on. No one can relate to what turns others on, unless they share it. It's a private thing, but can become that embarrassing reality about you, that ultimately could drive your partner away. The nice part of pre-marriage was that you could satisfy yourself in your way -- and it would ultimately become boring believe it or not.

    Posted by: gb | Jun 10, 2013 10:02:46 PM

  22. @Bri, What are you preoccupied with? Are you a spiritual pilgrim searching for nirvana? Are you a writer working on the great American novel? Are you preoccupied with something? No? Yes? Please do something. Anything. But stop bitching when others are "preoccupied" with what interests them. Gay folk like you tear down, destroy, up root, and otherwise bring evil into the world. How about for a change you let those preoccupied with what ever they want be allowed to do so? Just a thought. We'll let you be preoccupied with your pet issue. No one gets hurt.

    Posted by: Sargon Bighorn | Jun 10, 2013 10:04:06 PM

  23. Bri, speak for yourself. I don't necessarily go to the gym 24/7, but work hard to make myself look as good as I can with what I have to work with. I do this for myself, not for anyone else.

    If you choose not to do that, mazel tov. But don't be angry at those of us who do. If that makes me or others who choose this shallow or somehow not a weighty person, big deal.

    Posted by: kdknyc | Jun 10, 2013 10:49:09 PM

  24. @Rrhain.... I feel sorry for someone in a relationship who refers to the couple's intimate love making as "sexual dealings".

    Posted by: anon | Jun 10, 2013 10:49:56 PM

  25. Of course it shouldn't be illegal, but can we just speak the truth here? Leather is about not feeling your "man enough" which for gay men is based in continued self-loathing no matter how out you are .....or a symbol of pride like Savage. (And, yes, lesbians into leather just demonstrates their self-loathing as women that they have to imitate male symbols of power.) And the origin of the name for the various "Eagle" - "Eagle's Nest" bars was Hitler's mountaintop retreat at Berchtesgaden. How proud or even neutral should we be of that?

    Posted by: Eva Braun | Jun 10, 2013 11:11:45 PM

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