Matthew Dempsey | News

BigGayDeal.com

Why Some Gay Men 'Compare and Despair' and What to Do About It: VIDEO

Dempsey

Psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey, whom you may remember from his video discussions of why gay men are so judgmental toward one another and the need for validation, takes a look at the tendency some gay men have to compare themselves to others and be left feeling not good enough, and what can be done about it.

Watch, AFTER THE JUMP...

Feed This post's comment feed

Comments

  1. fantastic. pop psychology for extreme narcissists. *eye roll*

    Posted by: SG | Aug 7, 2013 12:08:25 PM


  2. The first thing this guy should do to be taken seriously on this topic is stop wearing a form-fitting shirt with an open collar. To lecture gay men about trying too hard by yourself trying too hard is laughable. Also: it's easy to lecture other gay men about loving yourself when you look like an underwear model and don't experience the widespread rejection a lot of gay men (all people, really) experience. I'll bet this Dempsey guy hasn't been ignored by a bartender in a gay bar in years. It's a nice effort if taken at face value. Something about it rings...if not phony, then unrealistic.

    Posted by: JSE | Aug 7, 2013 12:18:13 PM


  3. "You just landed a regional commercial..."

    I just spit diet pepsi all over my desk. *That* was funny.

    Posted by: kaccompany | Aug 7, 2013 12:18:44 PM


  4. A little weird being told that we're good enough the way we are by a man who's primped within a inch of his life.

    Posted by: IJelly | Aug 7, 2013 12:20:15 PM


  5. "takes a look at the tendency some gay men have to compare themselves to others and be left feeling not good enough, and what can be done about it."

    Oh, gee, how profound!

    Look, everybody, somebody just discovered that people compare themselves to other people and sometimes feel inadequate when they don't feel as though they compare favorably in some way!

    Who knew?

    Posted by: Rick | Aug 7, 2013 12:21:50 PM


  6. "You just landed a regional commercial and your friend booked a recurring role on True Blood." What a great, relatable example, not-doctor.

    Posted by: brian | Aug 7, 2013 12:22:15 PM


  7. It's a little like hearing Dan Savage tell us that we need to try harder to keep things sexually interesting with our partners and then seeing Dan's husband working as an underwear model.

    Posted by: IJelly | Aug 7, 2013 12:23:53 PM


  8. I work out constantly to feel better about myself. I don't know why I do it. Probably because it is easier than dealing with the emptiness inside. Unfortunately, I didn't work out evenly so now I have really skinny arms and an overworked chest.

    Posted by: Little Kiwi | Aug 7, 2013 12:27:22 PM


  9. How about we stop judging his advice by how he looks, and instead judge it by its quality.

    Posted by: BenR | Aug 7, 2013 12:28:46 PM


  10. I'll use the same cash I just mopped up my wet panties with to buy his book. But he better offer overnight shipping because I'll find someone new in 2 days.

    Posted by: Andy | Aug 7, 2013 12:29:54 PM


  11. "I'll bet this Dempsey guy hasn't been ignored by a bartender in a gay bar in years."

    Is that really a thing? I mean, I've been to a lot of gay bars (accusations of functioning alcoholic have been levied my way), and it really doesn't work that way. When a bar is crowded, bartenders typically start at one end, work their way down, and rotate back to the start. If you want to get their attention, you could hold a large bill (bartenders are, after all, working for tips) or you could at some point simply ask them their name and try being friendly. It very rarely has anything to do with looks.

    I'm not saying you're not ugly. But maybe you're impatient and an a--hole, too.

    Posted by: crispy | Aug 7, 2013 12:30:24 PM


  12. Actually, his nice teeth made me feel bad about my teeth. Sigh.

    Posted by: Don | Aug 7, 2013 12:33:35 PM


  13. "Compare and lash out" seems to be a recurring theme through many of the comments. I thought it was nicely done and thought-provoking. Thanks

    Posted by: John | Aug 7, 2013 12:35:33 PM


  14. Yeah, nothing against the guy, but I see someone who looks like him and I immediately can't relate to *his* problems. I know that's short-sighted and unfair, but at least I'm honest.

    Posted by: Mikey | Aug 7, 2013 12:38:57 PM


  15. Is this guy trying to take the place of the other wannbe life-coach who offed himself? Why do these people assume they have some special insight that we lowly plebes need to hear? It is all a conjob with the aim of prying away money from the insecure through admission fees to worthless seminars and price of shallowly written self-help books. No different from the religious charlatans.

    Posted by: pedro | Aug 7, 2013 12:40:16 PM


  16. a lot of comparing going on here...would you like to talk about that? :D

    Posted by: marco | Aug 7, 2013 12:42:30 PM


  17. I wonder if this video would have been posted if he looked like a stereotypical nebbish jewish therapist - or even female - as opposed to a model?

    Posted by: babboo | Aug 7, 2013 12:46:51 PM


  18. "You just landed a regional commercial and your friend booked a recurring role on True Blood."

    This guy is so completely disconnected from the reality of the lives of the other 99% of gay men that he cannot be taken seriously.

    Posted by: Jim | Aug 7, 2013 12:47:50 PM


  19. Good message, I guess but the "you landed a regional commercial" bit - was that supposed to be a joke or serious? How many people are "landing commercials" all the time? That example was far fetched and that's when I lost interest because I can't even book a LOCAL commercial let alone a regional one.

    Posted by: FernLaPlante | Aug 7, 2013 12:47:52 PM


  20. I can't believe the cynicism in the comments here.

    Many people find him good looking, but that doesn't mean he's "trying too hard" and it doesn't mean he doesn't experience the issue at hand or have something to say about it. It also doesn't devalue his credentials.

    Come on, guys...

    You're undermining what he's saying because, "That's easy for you to say. Look how good looking you are and look at all you have."

    But I'm sure if he were less attractive, you'd say, "Oh, you're just saying that to make yourself feel better about how you look and what you don't have."

    Honestly, the cynicism isn't going to get you anywhere...

    Posted by: Jay | Aug 7, 2013 12:51:36 PM


  21. And no, I don't think the "commercial" comment was a joke... good luck finding a funny bone in this man's body. ZZZZZZZzzzzz

    Posted by: kaccompany | Aug 7, 2013 12:56:30 PM


  22. His comments are what I would describe as issues which are common to all human beings, not just gay men. In other words, this is nothing new.

    Posted by: Jack M | Aug 7, 2013 12:57:01 PM


  23. Pedro: "Is this guy trying to take the place of the other wannbe life-coach who offed himself? Why do these people assume they have some special insight that we lowly plebes need to hear?"
    ---

    Because he is a licensed professional clinical counselor (lpcc) and went to school to study behavior and psychology. We each have something to offer and his educational and professional expertise is that.


    The comments here seem very cynical, taken from the very ideology discussed in the video. "Oh look at him, how can he possibly know what my life is like." If that's your first thought, then you need to take a step back and maybe reflect on the advice. Maybe the ideas are not profound to some who have thought about these topics before, but the suggestions are reasonable and meaningful if you allow them to be.

    Posted by: Kevin | Aug 7, 2013 12:57:34 PM


  24. There seems to be a belief that because he is handsome and primped he can't relate to someone comparing and himself to others and evaluating himself negatively. Unbelievably handsome men sometimes feel insecure about their looks too. Also handsome men frequently have to deal with a different kind of prejudice as is evident from many of the posts.

    Posted by: rayrayj | Aug 7, 2013 1:00:25 PM


  25. @2:03 -- Nice clip from one of my FAV films, Weekend. It sums up nicely how some of us feel inadequate and lonely in spite of ourselves.

    @JSE re: "The first thing this guy should do to be taken seriously on this topic is stop wearing a form-fitting shirt with an open collar." LMAO! Thanks for proving his point. I could do "@" for pretty much every comment here but I gotta get to they gym. :)

    Posted by: Gigi | Aug 7, 2013 1:03:19 PM


  26. 1 2 3 4 5 »

Post a comment







Trending


« «DOMA and Why Certain States Must Recognize Your Divorce But Not Your Same-Sex Marriage« «