6:00 PM – Opening Prayer, led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM – Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM – Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM – Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM – Seminar #1 “Getting your kid a military deferment”
7:30 PM – First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM – Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM – EPA Address #1: “Mercury, it’s what’s for dinner”
8:00 PM – Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM – John Ashcroft Lecture: “The Homos are after your children”
8:30 PM – Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only!)
8:50 PM – Seminar #2 “Corporations: The government of the future”
9:00 PM – Condi Rice sings “Can’t Help Lovin’ Dat Man”
9:05 PM – Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM – EPA Address #2 “Trees: The real cause of forest fires”
9:30 PM – Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM – Second prayer – Led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM – Lecture by Carl Rove: “Doublespeak made easy”
10:30 PM – Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM – Bush demonstration of trademark “deer in headlights” stare.
10:40 PM – John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM – Clarence Thomas reads list of black republicans
10:46 PM – Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM – Seminar #3 “Education: a drain on our nation’s economy”
11:10 PM – Hilary Clinton Piñata
11:20 PM – 2nd Lecture by John Ashcroft: “Evolutionists: The dangerous new cult”
11:30 PM – Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
11:35 PM – Blame Clinton
11:40 PM – Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM – Closing Prayer – Led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM – Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord.