Stephen Colbert was very upset about Justice Anthony Kennedy’s announcement that he’s retiring from the Supreme Court.
“I don’t want to be alone right now,” Colbert began. “If you’re on a low-carb diet, you’re in luck, because there ain’t no way to sugarcoat this. Justice Anthony Kennedy announced he’s retiring from the Supreme Court. I never thought I’d say this but you’re only 81. You know what they say, they say 81 is the new 79! And don’t tell me your mind’s going. Because I’ve read Bush v. Gore and Citizens United, you never had one!”
Colbert went on: “Oh, we are supremely screwed. I look forward to Wolf Blitzer in 2021, ‘In the end, this Supreme Court case will be decided by the swing vote, Justice Meat Loaf.'”
He added: “The court that just this week crippled unions, upheld Trump’s Muslim ban and race-based gerrymandering might turn conservative…So enjoy your gay marriages now, because as of August 1st you’re back to being roommates.”
Colbert also covered speculation on who Trump might appoint: “I could see Trump appointing Giuliani just to keep him off television.”
And he thrashed Mitch McConnell for blocking Merrick Garland: “That upset a lot of people, but Mitch McConnell is willing to take the high road and forget he ever did it.”
As well as McConnell’s statement that Trump’s nominee “must be treated fairly:” “Oh really? That’s like Typhoid Mary saying, ‘Read the sign, guys, all employees must wash hands.’”