Saturday Night Live’s cold open took on the completion of the Mueller Report. The sketch flipped through the reaction to the report from three different figures: Robert De Niro’s Special Counsel Mueller, Aidy Bryant’s William Barr, and Alec Baldwin’s Trump.
The three took turns sounding off on their reactions with De Niro’s Mueller reading from his report, Bryant’s Barr spewing out his interpretation, and Trump tweeting gleefully.
Said De Niro’s Mueller: “I am submitting these 380 pages.”
Quipped Bryant’s Barr: “I am writing almost four pages.”
Tweeted Baldwin’s Trump: “I am reading zero pages, but Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.”
Said De Niro’s Mueller: “On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.”
Responded Bryant’s Barr: “But I have, and my conclusion is: Trump’s clean as a whistle.”
Tweeted Baldwin’s Trump: “Free at last, free at last.”
Said De Niro’s Mueller: “As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidences involving the president’s team, but we cannot prove a criminal connection.”
Replied Bryant’s Barr: “No collusion, no diggity, no doubt.”
Baldwin’s Trump sounds off a celebratory air horn.
Said De Niro’s Mueller: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe”
Added Bryant’s Barr: “Most of them, very good people.”
Tweeted Baldwin’s Trump: “The pardons are already in the mail.”
Explained De Niro’s Mueller: “I’ve included hundreds of pages of evidence.”
Added Bryant’s Barr: “Most of it provided on live television by the president himself.”
Shouted Baldwin’s Trump: “Russia, if you’re watching, go to bed. Daddy won.”
Then De Niro’s Mueller reminded everyone that there are still ongoing investigations.
“Investigations into Democrats, TV shows that have been mean to me, and Puerto Rico. That’s right. I want my paper towels back, amigos,” said Trump.
Added De Niro’s Mueller: “In conclusion it is my hope that this report will be made public, with a few redactions.”
Assured Bryant’s Barr: “Hella redactions.”
Explained Baldwin’s Trump: “We’re going to black out everything except the words ‘no’ and ‘collusion.’”
“If you shoot at the devil, you must not miss,” he added, conjuring up Kate McKinnon’s Rudy Giuliani.
“Did someone say devil?” McKinnon’s Giuliani asked, going on to celebrate how his “mind games worked” to get the president off the hook.
“Vengeance will be mine,” added Baldwin’s Trump.
“And I will take the first born child of every Democrat, unless they can guess my name is Rumplestiltsken,” said McKinnon’s Giuliani.
In a sketch later in the show, The Mueller Report came up again in a meeting at the Kremlin. Vladimir Putin (Beck Bennett) was forced to admit the truth about Russia’s relationship with Trump after the report found there was no collusion.
This came as a moment of great dismay for Putin’s generals, who were ready to celebrate with a party after the world learned of their influence.
“We looked forward to the report so much,” said Cecily Strong’s Putin adviser. “It was going to be Mueller Time baby. All the world would see the power of Russia.”
“Is what is,” said Bennett’s Putin.
The generals, confounded, asked, “If we have no blackmail, why President Trump say such nice things about you.”
“I think he just likes me,” said Bennett’s Putin. “I can’t figure this guy out. He’s in my head!”
When Kim Jong Un arrived for a meeting, demanding to know what’s going on, Bennett’s Putin explained, “But also we don’t know everything in the report yet, plus Mueller handed off a lot of stuff to the Southern District of New York.”
Quipped Sandra Oh’s Kim translator: Glorious Leader says you sound like Rachel Maddow right now.”
And Weekend Update also took on The Mueller Report.