Day 1 of the Trump impeachment trial was continuing as The Late Show‘s Stephen Colbert and The Daily Show‘s Trevor Noah did their broadcasts, but the hosts unpacked what they could, and had an easy time destroying Trump’s legal team.
Said Noah: “These lawyers are perfect for Trump because they have experience with super-guilty people and super-horny presidents.”
“Yes, it turns out that over the past 20 years, Alan Dershowitz’s legal opinions have changed as much as his hairstyles,” Noah added, bringing up an interview Dershowitz had done earlier in the day. “Because you see, right now he’s saying ‘abuse of power’ is not an impeachable offense, but back in the ‘90s he says it was. … According to Dershowitz, what he said in the ’90s was in fact correct, and what he’s saying now is also, in fact, correct.”
Noah was referring to remarks Dershowitz made to Anderson Cooper, who reminded the lawyer: “Previously you said, ‘It doesn’t have to be a crime if the person in the office completely corrupts the office of president.'”
Dershowitz responded, “I wasn’t wrong. I’m far more correct now than I was then.”
Said Noah: “That is one of the most original lines I have ever heard in my whole life.”
Noah went on to look at Tuesday’s proceedings, noting Senator Chuck Schumer’s complaint that proceedings would last into “the dark of night.”
Said Noah: “That is no joke! Twelve hour sessions that last until the early morning. That’s cruel for anyone, especially cruel for this group. I mean, these people are usually in bed by Wheel of Fortune. No one is up until 2 a.m.”
Stephen Colbert also looked at Day 1, and took viewers into the actual proceedings.
“Soon we will find out if breaking the law is illegal,” said Colbert at the start of his monologue.
Colbert also looked at McConnell’s sham set-up: “So, no evidence, no witnesses, just 100 old people stuck in a room together. This isn’t a trial, it’s the 4 o’clock dinner rush at Denny’s, or a matinee in Branson, Missouri.”
Added Colbert: “If by some wild crazy chance in a world where teacups dance and monkeys eat meat, it turns out there are witnesses, McConnell has a built in failsafe, because if the majority decide to call witnesses, that witness would first be interviewed behind closed doors, meaning they might never testify in public.” Imitating McConnell: “No, no, no, shush. The American people deserve a fair and transparent process. Now place the testimony hood over the witness’s head and drag him into the fact dungeon and beat him with the truth hose.”
Colbert also took down Trump’s lawyers Jay Sekulow and Pat Cipollone, taking Rep. Adam Schiff’s polite assertion that Cipollone was wrong when he said that Republicans were not allowed in the House deposition to a new level.
Said Schiff: “Mr. Cipollone made the representation that Republicans were not even allowed in the depositions conducted in the House. Now I’m not going to suggest to you that Mr. Cipollone would deliberately make a false statement. I will leave it to Mr. Cipollone to make those allegations against others. But I will tell you this. He’s mistaken.”
Quipped Colbert: “I won’t say Mr. Cipollone would deliberately take a dump on your desk and blame it on a tall dog. But I will tell you this. His belt is looking mighty loose over there.”
Check out the rest of Colbert’s monologue, below.