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Ted Haggard: Now "Completely Heterosexual"

This just in from the Denver Post. Ted Haggard is not gay!

Haggard_1Haggard, who is apparently ready to jet off to Iowa or Missouri to become a psychologist, told a four-member oversight board that after three weeks of intense counseling he is now "completely heterosexual" and that "his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser" according to one of the pastors on that board.

Amazing. And James Dobson said it would take 4 or 5 years!

Haggard breezed through his therapy almost faster than Isaiah Washington. These guys are fast.

Said the pastor overseeing Haggard's progress: "He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong (about Haggard only having contact with Mike Jones), somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn't happened. Nobody is saying he can't go back into ministry. Somewhere down the road, that could very well happen, and that would be wonderful."

Over the weekend, Haggard sent an email to members of his New Life church announcing that he was leaving Colorado Springs and intended to settle in Missouri or Iowa and pursue an online degree in psychology.

You may have missed...
"Paralyzed by Shame", Ted Haggard is Leaving Colorado Springs [tr]
Gay Escort Mike Jones Visits Ted Haggard's New Life Church [tr]
James Dobson: Ted Haggard Gay Cure Could Take "4 or 5 Years" [tr]
Ted Haggard Fall-out Continues; Jesus Camp Shut [tr]

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  1. doesn't he know that lying is a "sin"?

    Posted by: J | Feb 6, 2007 12:20:34 PM

  2. Poor lamb. Those poor deluded fundies.

    Every time I hear about him, I'm thankful that I have a family and social network that accepts me for who I am. It's easy to assume that's the norm, but it's actually pretty rare.

    Posted by: Brian | Feb 6, 2007 12:24:04 PM

  3. He must have had a mild case of homosexuality. I tried for 27 years to be heterosexual and finally gave up. Good for you Ted.

    Posted by: Norm | Feb 6, 2007 12:42:29 PM

  4. PATHETIC! He should be in an insane asylum.

    Posted by: Ed | Feb 6, 2007 1:06:10 PM

  5. I've seen quite about here about the idiot Paris Hilton.

    I'd like to see more about Mark and the way he reinforces the negative stereotype of gays as nasty, judgemental and mean spirited. I mean, this is a guy who calls people "fatty."

    Posted by: Daniel | Feb 6, 2007 1:13:50 PM

  6. I hope it's real.

    Good riddance.

    Posted by: Michael | Feb 6, 2007 1:14:45 PM

  7. I think I'll be heterosexual for a couple hours this afternoon.

    Posted by: Mike in the Tundra | Feb 6, 2007 1:26:19 PM

  8. Zeke,

    No I don't. I rely on you and your comments for that. I'm just bored at work and just put up whatever comes to my head at the time. We Bubba twinks do that from time to time. Ha ha. Oh and we don't believe in global warming either. Or a least not the global warming that says we are all going to incinerate this summer.

    Posted by: Matt | Feb 6, 2007 1:46:58 PM

  9. And the Glaad comment was kind of a joke since everyone the other day was bitching that GLAAD wasn't doing enough. Dude, you take this blog way way too seriously. From now on I will type joke or sarcasm before a comment.

    Posted by: Matt | Feb 6, 2007 1:50:38 PM

  10. Matt, I don't get it. Why are we supposed to have compassion for him when he repeatedly lied, never came clean, and continues the lies?

    The man had potential to really make a difference and it took him three weeks to make a pact with the devil instead.

    Posted by: Damon | Feb 6, 2007 1:53:41 PM

  11. Matt, sarcasm without facts is fraud.

    Posted by: gay is the new straight | Feb 6, 2007 2:03:57 PM

  12. What's his wife's reaction? Is she moving with him, or staying in Colorado? I never read about her in the news.

    Posted by: pam | Feb 6, 2007 2:14:39 PM

  13. Damon,

    I'm not saying we shouldn't be mad. I'm saying we should have compassion and hope that he gets it right in the end. I would rather have some compassion for the man and hope he gets his life straight than hate him and be pissed off at him.

    Gay is the new straight, I believe the word you are looking for is slander, not fraud. As you guys tell me, do the research.

    Posted by: Matt | Feb 6, 2007 2:16:15 PM

  14. In a way, Ted Haggard's apparently cured state is a win/win scenario for gay people AND for media junkies (gay media junkies - take a deep breath and try not to explode).

    He'll eventually slip up and be exposed...oh, I don't know - let's take a guess and say he'll be found smoking crystal in a hotel room in Prague with a Bel Ami hooker which will discredit the therapy which turned him straight - we can count on something like that for sure.

    In the meantime - the media documentation of his chronic delusion is going to be hilarious. Horrifying, yes - of course.

    But also hilarious and astounding.

    Posted by: Matt | Feb 6, 2007 2:20:05 PM

  15. I wonder if the same group that helped Mr. Haggard realize he was not gay, just fucked up sex addict, can help me with my weight problem? Hell, if it only took him 3-weeks to let go of his sexual addiction, it should take the same amount of time for my junk food addiction. I admit it, I gained weight from "acting out"! BUT, it only happened with ONE McDonalds and no other (I don't do uptown McDs). See, I am not really overweight, I am just a slim guy who is overweight because I eat too much junk food.

    And then, after the 3-weeks of therapy and I am slim again, I will be able to fulfill my life dream of taking online courses to become a neurosurgeon/actor/model and head of oncology at Sloan-Kettering. Just call me the Bold and the Beautiful - but don't drive me near THAT McD.

    The New Slim Shady

    Posted by: Ed | Feb 6, 2007 2:30:55 PM

  16. Matt, I doubt you could find a handful of people here who agree with your characterization of me; not even among those who consistently disagree with me.

    Don't be bitter and defensive just because I'm onto you. And be careful with the clever comments; you could very well blow your compassionate simpleton cover.

    I know a troll when I see, hear or smell one.

    By the way, if you were half as clever as you seem to think you are then there would be no need for you to put "sarcasm" or "joke" before your comments. Then again, when you come here talking seriously about how the sun has gotten hotter over the last few years, and asking us to consider this phenomenon (that you totally made up) as a contributing factor in the global warming debate, who can tell when your being serious, funny or dangerously delusional.

    Enjoy chewing on that. It will be the last troll treat that I will throw into your cage.

    Posted by: Zeke | Feb 6, 2007 3:16:44 PM

  17. Aww...Zekeepoo. No more treats. I don't live in a cage. I live like all trolls do under a bridge. But it's hard under the bridge. The river is rising due to the ice melting in the artic and it's also crowded with the illegal immigrants. I'm not clever. I never said I was. I'm just amusing myself. Um...what characterization of you? I don't know you. Will never meet you. All I have to go on is that you are very passionate about what you say. I think it bugs you that I don't take anything on this blog seriously. It's just a daily read for me. You treat it as an action alert. I didn't make the sun thing up. Some guy on the radio here in Atlanta from Emory University did. I was just repeating. Zeke, you are on to me? What is there to catch? I seriously doubt people who read this blog go home and say, "hum, I wonder if Zeke caught Matt." Most people who read this are like me. They have some down time and need something to pass the time.

    Posted by: Matt | Feb 6, 2007 3:26:29 PM

  18. Oh and Zeke, that will be the last bit of poo i throw at you from inside my troll cage.

    Posted by: Matt | Feb 6, 2007 3:28:25 PM

  19. BI NOW ... GAY LATER.

    Posted by: Phillip | Feb 6, 2007 4:06:34 PM

  20. Oh Ted, always good for an uncomfortable laugh.

    And at New Life Church it is apparently entirely logical for a completely heterosexual man to "act out" like a stubborn child, paying a male prostitute to fuck him blind while hopped up on meth. Since he was just acting out, one wonders why he didn't add satan worship to the mix, just for ha-has.

    You say potayto I say potahto, New Life Church. Hopefully Ted won't chance on any more 'massage' websites while diligently earning his online degree.

    Posted by: GBM | Feb 6, 2007 5:05:42 PM

  21. The quicker the counseling, the fatter the profits....It's a margin business, kids....


    Posted by: Hank | Feb 6, 2007 6:01:47 PM

  22. Wow, the world sure moves fast nowadays. It used to take years for someone to pray their way to being straight, now it takes mere weeks. Praise Jesus!

    Posted by: Young Gun | Feb 6, 2007 7:36:37 PM

  23. ha ha

    Posted by: Ô¿Ô | Feb 6, 2007 9:00:54 PM

  24. So the demons are out. They were just barely in there.

    This just goes to show that the first rube these charlatans fool is always themselves.

    Posted by: Joseph | Feb 6, 2007 9:29:54 PM

  25. What a comic.

    Hopefully this is a case closed, and we won't have to hear from him ever again!

    Posted by: Da | Feb 7, 2007 4:56:42 AM

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