Comments

  1. joe says

    Uh, duh, she’s making a generalization, but she’s mostly right. Grindr anyone!?!?

    I’m frequently disgusted to be part of the gay “community” when so many around me are incredibly narcissistic and childish. When she says what many of us are thinking…. suddenly she needs to be canceled??? Are you kidding me??

  2. Ray says

    Hmmm. Maybe, just MAYBE, someone should fire Andy Cohen for unleashing these monsters on us. Cohen has done a disservice to the world by promoting shallow, selfish, brainless narcissists like Stanger and all the housewives and that botoxed, fish-lipped house-flipping jackass on us and making them infamous. I can’t stand his “Look at me..I’m hanging out with the A-List” mentality as he shoves crap down our throats. He is the reason the OFF TV switch was created.

  3. C says

    I don’t get it. How does someone so holistically ugly, in every possible way, inside and out, end up on television? And where did she get the idea that “gay dating” began with LOGO???

  4. PSGuy92262 in PS says

    This woman knows the power of exercising her mouth and expressing her ideas. She knows what she is saying before it comes flying out of her mouth, an apology is not sufficient as an apology is way too easy for her. ‘Talking’ about putting your mind in gear before the mouth! An apolgoy is way too simple as no explanation is an excuse out of her mouth. She knows the power of words all too well. Yes it is all garbage and she knows this if you have ever, ever tried to listen to her Bravo show. Hope no one permits her an easy excuse except show her the door, she’s fired. I now wait for Kathy Griffin.

  5. Brian says

    I don’t understand how the gay community can be so judgemental about the numerous forms relationships and sexuality can take. Why is it that all of a sudden the gay community should model themselves on a puritanical, sex-negative, imaginary (as in it has never really been real) heterosexual monogamy? You are disgusted to be a part of the gay community? There are plenty of ex-gay therapists out there…..or, you could just stop judging others and realize that you do what you do and they do what they do and no one should be judging. Human sexuality and intimate relationships takes a myriad of forms……just because gay marriage exists doesn’t mean that ALL gays should get married, want to get married or that they will not get married and decide to have sex with others. If you want the Disney happy ending then perhaps you should become a cartoon! In any case, a HUGE part of the gay community should be accepting that not everyone has sex or creates intimate relationships in the same way. Being a puritanical hypocrite won’t make you more impressive or a more upstanding citizen……it will just make you a puritanical hypocrite.

  6. moses says

    Damn, you know what? There a lot of TRUTH in what she said. It is hard for me to fault her when she says what we all know is true. Sure, she over generalized as all gay men are not created equal, but have you seen pictures of the Folsom Street Fair?

  7. Skooter McGoo says

    Haven’t watched Bravo for a couple years now because they lost their way from the original content they had, so not sure who she is but I must say she would make a awesome Severus Snape on Halloween.

  8. epic says

    we said this yesterday and we’ll say it again…no body with an ounce of self worth cares about what this woman says, no matter how accurate it may be…moving on

  9. x man says

    She’s right to an extent…GAY men do think with their *D**K…but so do breeder men to…and men who are married in a straight relationship…they sleep around on their wives more time with other women lie about it and you have straight men that sleep around with other men and lie about it to their wives too. Why should anyone in the GLBT community be taking offense to this…most gay men are whores but so are straight men its in our DNA. Stop being such drama queens and admit it.

  10. BEAHBEAH says

    If a gay person said what she said, would we be batting an eye? No, because most of it is true, lmao.

    She lacks tact is a serious way and she needs to learn when to shut the hell up, but I don’t view her as homophobic.

  11. jason says

    Patti Stanger is partly right. It is true that the male-male social scene is built on a sex act. However, it’s not so much a function of our orientation as it is of our gender. Men have a powerful sex drive. Put two men together and you’re doubling the power.

    In the male-female interaction scenario, the woman serves to curtail the libido of the male. Thus, the sexual power of the male-female social scene is reduced by the female. Her libido is based on pregnancy; it’s like an on-off switch that is biologically designed to switch off for 9 months at a time. She serves as the gate-keeper, keeping the male sex drive in check.

    All in all, Stanger makes some valid points but perhaps she should have phrased it a little better.

  12. Dan says

    She says offensive things about straight guys, too. Not defending her either way, but she’s made a career by giving people her opinions – misguided though they may often be. She doesn’t generalize about gays any more that she does about ‘narcissists,’ ‘gold diggers,’ or anyone else whose psyche she thinks she understands. She’s seems tactless and self-aggrandizing but largely harmless in my view.

  13. says

    What hateful little people agree with her? Ones that are so sad, lonely and pathetic that they can’t find somebody to love them. Try loving yourself first…it’s a cliche but in this case, very very true.

  14. Francis says

    I agree with a few others here in saying, she’s not homophobic. She’s trashy but hateful? No. She’s talking from a (and I hate this term but it fits) fag hag position. Like she’s one of the gays herself.

    It is what it is. As I said yesterday, gay men themselves say the very same things. She’s simply saying it publicly. She lacks tact for sure but really, she’s the least of our issues.

  15. Jonathan says

    @shawn: I know, right?

    “Have any of you seen pictures of Folsom Street Fair?” Are you kidding? You can meet a husband anymore. One of the longest running happiest couples I know (they are also friends of Andy’s) met at a bathhouse and got married when gay marriage became legal in NYC.

    Truthfully, those who are agreeing with Patti are probably all, or mostly all single, and wouldn’t know how to create a relationship if it sat on them, just like she has no idea what it means to be in a relationship.

    I don’t know what’s more disgusting, Patti Stanger and her remarks or the self-hating straight wannabes here who are agreeing with her.

  16. says

    All gay men in my life DO NOT think with their dicks. If that’s how you see gay life then you need to rethink your life. I LIVE in SF (born/raised) and yes there areFolsom St and the old wrinkled gay nude guys of Castro but they are but one tiny segment of a big gay world. The majority of gays do not attend Folsom Street Fair nor hang their nuts out to air on Castro. Stanger is a media whore and nothing more. No millionaire would have her (she is single).

  17. Dan says

    Agreeing with Francis. She’s making generalizations that have a lot of truth in them. If you have a problem with what she’s saying, make your case. But I don’t think most people could.

    Most gay guys who go out on a date have sex… hell, lots of us have sex before going out on the date, then go out to dinner to relax!

    In the grander scheme of things, she’s irrelevant. But we’re way too sensitive.

  18. Jonathan says

    OS2GUY: You’re buying into the whole thing as well. So what if people attend Folsom. It’s fun. I’ve never been but I’m sure it has its good points. Just like people go to the black party and dress up in leather there once a year. I’m sure there are plenty of monogamous guys at Folsom and I’m sure there are plenty of pigs in your church group. Please, you guys are really starting to get annoying.

  19. Pete n SFO says

    Kinda like going to the Hardware Store to buy bread… Isn’t she just giving her opinion?

    She should have finessed her description a bit more, but the generalizations are based in some truth.

    I prefer to f’em first & decide if I like him later… if it doesn’t work in the bdrm, it ain’t going anywhere.

    Get over it.

  20. brian says

    yeah, sorry, guys, but she’s right. gay men are slutty. and it’s makes perfect sense (testosterone + testosterone). why is it offensive for her to say that?

    the real question is why is monogamy so important? we should have the freedom to live our lives however the hell we want to without judgment from others. our relationships don’t have to be exactly like heterosexual relationships.

  21. BEAHBEAH says

    I love the sanctimonious gay men in relationships who think that because they’re in one that all gay men should be in one… or even want to be in one. I have no desire to be in one and neither do a lot of gay men out there. If that’s your bag, then good for you.

    And men being sexual doesn’t mean they think with their d**ks, it means they enjoy sex. I can give in and I can just as easily say no, so save your ridiculous sense of morality for someone else.

    The majority of gay men out there f**k first and ask questions later. That’s the reality… in the clubs, in the bars, on grindr, online, craigslist, whatever. Doesn’t mean their not capable of monogamy or being in a relationship, they just get sex out of the way quicker.

    Is this every gay man? Certainly not. But most of them, yes. If you disagree, then you’re just blind and in denial.

  22. Jonathan says

    @Beahbeah: Nobody is disagreeing with that. There is so much more to her comments that “gays like to have sex.” She tried to “curb” us. The truth is exactly what you said. Gay men can be monogamous, they just don’t normally start that way. But neither to straight couples. Her “no sex before monogamy” is absolutely ridiculous and probably suicide for a relationship. Why would you be monogamous with someone before you knew you were sexually compatible? The problem with Stanger, and I’ve said it before, is that she doesn’t know anything about relationships on any level or putting two people together. A real matchmaker knows two people and thinks “they would be great together” and be right. I met my brother’s wife at work and knew instantly they would wind up together. Not that I’m a great matchmaker but once I managed to get it right. Her whole show is a weird dating service that fails 100% of the time. Why is she on TV? Why did she have a person at a gay mixer whose main concern seemed to be that the millionaire had really white teeth?

  23. Chris says

    So much ignorance in one paragraph! The worst of it all – “And a lot of gays aren’t getting married, even though they have the privilege.”
    EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE THE PRIVILEGE?! Not the right, the PRIVILEGE. Welcome to her idiot world where she can call herself an advocate and still see gay marriage as a privilege.

  24. says

    Oh, please, what’s with the, But she’s telling the TRUTH nonsense! Whose truth? Definitely not mine. She’s a “matchmaker” whose matches never work and who’s only interested in hooking up rich people. She’s a single, childless 50 year old woman whose life is nothing like the ideal she presents as the only option for a contented life.

    Personally, as someone who’s been in a committed relationship for 20 years (yet I need “curbing” cause I’m a gay guy) a relationship structured on my own rules, not the rules of some weirdly drag-queeny Bravo bimbo with bad plastic surgery (what did they do to her since last season!), I find it hilarious that anyone–especially gay men–would want her bogus advice. Most people I know have a much better relationship history than she does. Self-respecting people don’t submit themselves to relationship commandments from reality show con artists. She’s just a silly thing.

  25. says

    JONATHAN: Pls re-read my post. Folsom St Faire is not bad or wrong, I’m saying that it is one very small segment of the gay community. Maybe 1 out of 10 of our gay friends have ever attended, many who live in SOMA (S of Market) AVOID the Faire. Most attendees come from out of SF and there are those who want to watch and those who want to please the watchers. 9 out of our 10 gay friends live average lives, handling careers, raising kids, managing marriages. I dated my husband three weeks before we ever had sex. As a teenager I know that I would have dropped him if we didn’t have sex on the first date. As an adult I know there is much more to life then a quick bang. For Stanger to generalize and stereotype as she has done smears the reality of gay life. It is not bang, bang and bang every guy you see.

  26. Jonathan says

    OS2GUY: I did re-read your post and I stand by it. I have two children. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and I’ve been with him for 11. Maybe four times a year we go out and party and maybe that involves winding up in bed after the party with the hottest guy(s) we can find. I lead a pretty average life the other 361 days a year. Just saying. Attending Folsom Street Fair doesn’t really say anything about a person beyond they attended Folsom Street Fair. The friends I know who got married on day 1 of gay marriage in NYC have been together for 20 years and they are monogamous and they regularly go to parties, both in Fire Island and in Provincetown and in New York when the fancy strikes them. As I said before, they also met at a bathhouse. But they are about as average as any two people I know in that regard.

  27. Jonathan says

    @Chris: Yeah, I loved that “privilege” thing. I’ve been on a campaign against her for years. Aside from being one of the most unattractive people in the world, she is also one of the most reprehensible and it’s a sad state of the world that she has a vehicle like her show. Andy Cohen really should be ashamed. Bravo used to be the artsy channel.

  28. mrAshley says

    These sorts of articles which are more like opinion pieces, than objective news, should have bylines, so we know who two address with praise or criticism.

    In any case, the headline was emotional, insecure and far more embarrassing a reply than the original statement to which it speaks.

    What makes her view poisonous? I think she makes a insightful point which too few people would want to express in polite company. It’s refreshing to hear, and a bit too clear of a mirror, perhaps, for some of your staff and readership.

    I also think her comments are a great discussion platform, because she appears to have a standard opinion about how relationships “should” be. This is the sort of conversation progressive people (such as we gays are meant to be) would do well to take up and tussle with. Politely, constructively.

    It’s a shame that this opportunity to address an key relationship issue has instead been squandered on name-calling and adding fuel to the fire of “my side / your side” politics.

  29. Jeff says

    I don’t believe Patti has gay friends as she is no friend to gays her broad brush generalizations are harmful and prejudicial. The fact that Bravo gives her a voice still is shocking. Sure she apologized but then spewed off her same rhetoric on CNN amazes me. I think she should have been canceled as a guest which would not have been a difficult guest to replace.

  30. Gay American says

    sounds like alot of you DON’T know Older gays….we aint all 20 somethings anymore – the older gays….like any older heteros LEARN to (Settle down) as we get older….usually by 30-mid 30’s…never did a curcuit party or all nite partying since early 80’s….I think its a Maturity thing

  31. oliver says

    “I love the sanctimonious gay men in relationships who think that because they’re in one that all gay men should be in one…”

    Why do people start sentences with “I love” when they obviously mean the exact opposite?

  32. John says

    There’s a big difference between what people say they believe, and what they actually do. I think a lot of gay men are sluttier than they say they are, or they’d like to be if given the opportunity. I also think there are plenty of gay men who genuinely want monogamy and getting to know someone before having sex, or they’d like to if it weren’t so easy to have sex. And of course, there are men who float between both categories throughout periods of their lives. What is all this whining about one person’s cheap opinion?

  33. Jonathan says

    Because giving up dancing after your 30s even if you love to dance is a mature thing to do? With friends like you . . . . .

    I have friends who still go to circuit parties who are in their 60s. They also have great relationships, great jobs and great lives. These weird generalizations are getting a little nauseating.

  34. ohplease says

    “Gay” marriage is a “privilege”?

    This woman has always been an idiot. She’s not any different than she was yesterday or will be tomorrow. She’s on television specifically because she’s an idiot. You don’t want to see her? Tune her out.

  35. velocifero says

    So the Folsom fair demonstrates that all gay men are sex obsessed predators who cannot be in a committed relationship? Please. Ever go to a singles bar in OC or in Hollywood? Stanger is trying to deflect that her crowd of wannabe nouveau riche never practice safe sex, always are looking for that Sex In The City glorified one night stand and are getting divorced faster then ever. I live in LA and the majority of my friends are ain long term relationships, some who marries before Prop 8 came down. Stanger is trying to do damage control for the fact that her show is a scam. And I agree that Andy Cohen, a VP at Bravo, has a lot to atone for.

  36. BC says

    She painted with too broad a brush, but I think everyone should ease up. For one thing, she’s an ally who got something wrong, not a virulent enemy out to make things worse for us all. For another, there’s some truth in the things she said, even though it’s not all correct.

    Hysteria, rather than measured and understanding correcting, fuels the people who complain about PC police and makes people resent even more the changes we’re asking them to make. We can make our point and win more friends by gently correcting on these sorts of occasions.

  37. says

    @JR: She didn’t turn the mirror on us. She turned the mirror on herself and projected her bogus relationship rules on us. Quite different.

    Not something to get wound up about, but it is funny that a failed matchmaker who’s single and childless at 50 (not that there’s anything wrong with that) would presume to tell her pets, “the gays,” how to commit now that we’ve been so generously given the “privilege” of marriage (that’s only in a few states and with a fraction of the benefits actual married straight people take for granted–yet we’re expected to immediately jump on board, why?), a “privilege” she wonders if we’re tamed enough for, never mind that she–and her pampered het clients–have had this privilege all along and have failed to seal the deal, while many of “us gays” have been in relationships for years and years. The irony is richer than her “millionaires.”

  38. Jonathan says

    @Ernie: I’m always surprised when something like this happens and all the gay Almish emerge — usually single and lonely, with a laundry of their perfect mate’s 100 required qualities (65 of which are not negotiable). Anybody who can listen to anything Patti Stanger says and find reality really needs major life lessons. Everything is valid as long as it makes 1 or (if you want) 2 people happy. How any gay can defend someone who says we’d better “take advantage of the privilege of marriage we’ve been given” really doesn’t have a clue.

    I thought she was vaguely amusing until she basically told the underwear model to his face that he was ugly and called him a “50-yarder.” Coming from anybody that would be cruel and disgusting but it’s also ironic when coming from a woman whose face looks like it came out of a can of dogfood.

  39. db says

    Wow, my partner and I have been in a monogomous relationship in LA for 15 years. I guess we travel in different circles than Stanger. There’s always a danger when a person thinks their own limited experience applies to everyone.

  40. Mike says

    Used to like you as entertainment, now you are getting on my nerves by throwing out generalizations and untruths. She always talke about females being non-agressive and ladylike to get a man yet she has more male energy and assertiveness than many straight males.
    Also, why would anyone trust her to fix them up? She asked a couple of questions and then makes a decision. If my hair stylist had bad hair, I would go to someone else. She is single and can’t find a man for herself. Why trust this overblown, nasty, fugly chick with anything she says?

  41. Jason Wonacott says

    Sometimes the truth is hard to handle. Which is why I believe everybody is getting so defensive. I am glad somebody finally spoke up and wasn’t politically correct. Everybody needs to stop acting so hurt and take a hard look in the mirror. She speaks the truth!

  42. says

    This woman isn’t very bright, but neither are most of the readers who have submitted comments. The behaviorial difference has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with being gay or straight. To the extent her pointless generalization has truth, it relates to male vs female instincts and behaviors.

    Does she really think that hetero men wouldn’t have sex just as indiscrinately if women would cooperate? Honey, get over your silly liitle-girl romantic fantasies.

    And jaded gay men should give up their notion that gay men are fundamentally any different from straight men – even if they no longer feel “special”

  43. Yuki says

    The problem isn’t that we think ~all gay guys should be monogamous~. The problem is that she’s invalidating any idea of gay monogamous relationships through her gross generalization.

    Are there gay people out there who just want to sleep around? Yeah. Is that a bad thing? No, provided their partners are fine with that.

    The problem is that she’s insisting gay men can’t form relationships, and anyone who sees this and doesn’t know much may believe it. It doesn’t do anything other than spread the idea that gay men aren’t as “good” as straight couples because they can’t have actual feelings for each other.

    It’s not an issue of monogamy versus sleeping around. It’s an issue of her making gross generalizations that don’t apply to everyone and only serve to make us look like sex-craving fiends on all accounts, where we’re every bit as varied as straight couples.

  44. john says

    she was not supposed to talk about the elephant in the room,
    while picking from the window – THE RULE IS : Only the ones in the room are allowed to speak about it,
    I would say to her credit, she didn’t create or put the elephant in the room, but she is guilty of opening her mouth

  45. Bud says

    She’s right… sorry… I did not find her comments offensive in the least. Sad, but true. She was simply saying that for her gay clients her rules on monogamy don’t apply. People who are offended by her generalization are not in touch with reality…

  46. Bryan says

    She hangs around the gay party scene, so I can see where her views are from. Frequent a gay club and see how many guys you’d find looking for a relationship as opposed to a f**k. You won’t find many.

  47. johnny says

    The main problem is that she simply doesn’t know any long-term, monogamous couples. It’s pretty obvious or she wouldn’t generalize like that. Much like straight life, there’s the stay-at-home couples who enjoy each others’ company and don’t screw around, and there are single (or coupled) partying, bar-hopping types who do screw around.

    It happens in both worlds. She’s just never hung around with the former type of gays, so she lacks the life experience to say anything intelligent about gays as a whole. It’s gross generalization and she’s pretty ignorant.

    But this isn’t what pisses me off about her.

    What does piss me off is how completely shallow, tacky and idiotic she can be during her show. I guess that’s entertainment for some people, but I stopped watching that crap early last year. I have better things to do than watch her horrible approach to try and hook up two losers with millions who can’t BUY a clue.

  48. says

    It’s not at all that “the truth” is “hard to handle”–it’s the irony of her applying her own “truth” about relationships (which she herself doesn’t follow at all) to all of our relationships, many of which succeed far more than most straight people’s, including single Patti’s, then applying false, condescending, simplistic judgments about us based on the lives of her sleazy clients, who are stupid enough to turn to a bad matchmaker for advice and abuse to score their 15 minutes. She doesn’t have any truth to tell us, boys, that we either don’t know or know better and with more depth than she does. Don’t give clueless reality whores credit for being all truthy and and all fabulously un-PC when what they’re spouting is obvious, dimwitted, and a desperate plea for attention. Mature people don’t need D-list celebs to look in the mirror for us, we’re quite capable of doing it ourselves, without the 50s mentality that she’s attempting to paste onto 2011 relationships. No wonder she had to call off her own wedding after breathlessly bragging about it on her show.

  49. jr says

    @ERNIE.

    if you want to live a promiscuous life, fine that’s your business. good for you – own it, embrace it. don’t get all indignant when some blowhard points out what most of the world is already thinking. if you’re fine with it, then why bother being so defensive?

  50. Chicklets says

    She is ridiculous. If straights have it so good why is their divorce rate/unwed mother rate thru the roof? Miss Patti needs to take a good look at her plastic surgery FACE and then tell me who’s shallow!

  51. says

    @JR: I’m not being defensive, I simply think it’s nutty–for reasons I’ve already explained–to view Patti’s snappy comments as some kind of gospel truth, or insight.

    And it is indeed my business if I want to lead a promiscuous life, I just choose not to (not my thing), another reason why I find failed-relationships-Patti coaching me (in a relationship for 2 decades +), or any of he millions of gay people in long-lasting relationships, about curbing our bad gay selves idiotically condescending.

    It’s just surprising to me that so many gay guys are willing to let a woman who thinks marriage is a privilege for us (and a right for her) define our relationship and commitment standards for us. She’s basically questioning–in typical patronizing straight fashion–whether we’re good enough for marriage to be our basic right. I think we are. My point has less to do with Patti than with the way gay people are so prone to submitting to a silly person’s clueless interpretation of our lives.

  52. TJ says

    Not that it would valid, because the sample would be Towleroad readers who bothered to respond and not a random sample of all gay men, but it would be interesting for Andy to create a survey on this blog – who is monogamous, who is in a long-term relationship, who is promiscuous, who is in an open relationship. Because reading these comments, I suspect that there are a wide range of lifestyles amongst the readers. Which is why Stanger is so offensive. She stereotypes and generalizes from what she knows, which is apparently limited. For the people who are saying that she is speaking THE truth, you might modifying that statement to she is speaking A truth about some, but not all of us.

    No judgement intended toward those who live differently, but for those of us who are in committed, long-term relationships, it is offensive to have this person, who has a public platform, say that what we live everyday is just not possible, because we are incapable. My going on 25 years, monogamous relationship, and the relationships of many people who have posted here, say she is wrong. Yes, males are not necessarily engineered for monogamy; yes, we are engineered to spread around as much seed as possible. It doesn’t mean that there aren’t benefits to settling down, or that we are incapable of doing so.

  53. Nat says

    “She hangs around the gay party scene, so I can see where her views are from. Frequent a gay club and see how many guys you’d find looking for a relationship as opposed to a f**k. You won’t find many.”

    I think that’s the essence of the disconnect, right here. If the only gays you see on a regular basis are those who primarily engage with other gays on the basis of partying, sex, and drug use, then you’re going to have a particular view on how gay men are. She’s not going to notice monogamous couples, because they’re unlikely to share those noticeable interests.

    She may be right if the ‘community’ is considered to be a San Francisco/New York-centric circuit party where gays seek other gays to interact with. But if there’s a larger definition of community, i.e. the population of gay men as a whole, then her conception – and those who agree with her – is fundamentally incorrect. There are gay men who work in every conceivable profession, who live any number of different lives.

    There are plenty who live monogamous lives, but they simply don’t interact with much with those that don’t. And as acceptance of gays slowly grows, why would they? If I don’t like to party, go to clubs, or have multiple sexual partners, how much time am I really going to spend interacting with those that do?

    Nothing – absolutely nothing – binds gay men as a group beyond the our attraction to other men and our current status in society. Everything else is individually flavoured and should remain so.

  54. daws says

    Ummm…who out there is acting like what she said is false? Obviously not every single gay man is like that but many are. But that’s a male condition in general. We’re biologically wired to spread our seed. Culture and societal norms are what step in to bring us down to earth. If you’ve hung around single straight men they’re not any different. Women (in general) just balance that energy out.

  55. Pitt90 says

    Just celebrated a 17 year monogamous relationship with my partner two days ago, so up yours, Patti. Now, prior to meeting my partner, I enjoyed the powers of my youth and the company of many men, but her statement is just crap generalizing.

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