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Patti Stanger Apologizes, Then Repeats Her Poisonous View of Gay Relationships to Joy Behar: VIDEO


After issuing an apology, Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger appeared on Joy Behar's show last night to do damage control over what she said about gay men on Watch What Happens Live.

Unfortunately, she pretty much doubled-down on those remarks.


P_stanger Stanger says that people missed the point on WWHL, that she was offering advice on an L.A.-specific gay relationship.

“Whether you're straight or gay, that's player town. Did I say all gays? I said the gays in Los Angeles.”

Stanger then tried to explain her advocacy work on behalf of gay men:

"For five years I have put gay dating on the map. Nobody ever did this. There was no LOGO then. And I did the NoH8 campaign, I was an advocate for gay marriage, I stood up there for my gay friends. I've got more gay friends than Carter has pills."

She then negates her L.A.-specific excuse by asserting that gays "all around the country" are shallow, sex-first, relationship-later individuals, and then insults the gay community on marriage.

Says Stanger to Behar (my transcript):

"In the show when we do the mixers, the guys are passing around the telephone numbers, they're sleeping with each other, even affter the millionaire gets the date he's sleeping with the pool of people. My (gay) friend...says 'Patti this is what it's like around the country.' This is the gay community. I said, 'I'm trying to curb them.' Now this is not the lesbian. The lesbian gets involved. They move in together. They're quiet. They're at peace. But the gay men. They whip it out at eyelock. They get involved, and then they find out later whether or not they want a serious relationship. And I hope they use the privilege in New York of gay marriage, because now they have it. And a lot of gays aren't getting married, even though they have the privilege."


Stanger and Bravo both released apologies earlier in the day.

Said Stanger: “I am so sorry.  I did not mean to offend anyone with my comments last night on Watch What Happens Live.”

Said Bravo: “Bravo regrets the comments expressed by Patti Stanger on Watch What Happens Live last night.  Her comments are not representative of the network’s beliefs and opinions.  We apologize for the offense it caused.”

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  1. I love the sanctimonious gay men in relationships who think that because they're in one that all gay men should be in one... or even want to be in one. I have no desire to be in one and neither do a lot of gay men out there. If that's your bag, then good for you.

    And men being sexual doesn't mean they think with their d**ks, it means they enjoy sex. I can give in and I can just as easily say no, so save your ridiculous sense of morality for someone else.

    The majority of gay men out there f**k first and ask questions later. That's the reality... in the clubs, in the bars, on grindr, online, craigslist, whatever. Doesn't mean their not capable of monogamy or being in a relationship, they just get sex out of the way quicker.

    Is this every gay man? Certainly not. But most of them, yes. If you disagree, then you're just blind and in denial.

    Posted by: BEAHBEAH | Sep 27, 2011 9:49:43 AM

  2. @Beahbeah: Nobody is disagreeing with that. There is so much more to her comments that "gays like to have sex." She tried to "curb" us. The truth is exactly what you said. Gay men can be monogamous, they just don't normally start that way. But neither to straight couples. Her "no sex before monogamy" is absolutely ridiculous and probably suicide for a relationship. Why would you be monogamous with someone before you knew you were sexually compatible? The problem with Stanger, and I've said it before, is that she doesn't know anything about relationships on any level or putting two people together. A real matchmaker knows two people and thinks "they would be great together" and be right. I met my brother's wife at work and knew instantly they would wind up together. Not that I'm a great matchmaker but once I managed to get it right. Her whole show is a weird dating service that fails 100% of the time. Why is she on TV? Why did she have a person at a gay mixer whose main concern seemed to be that the millionaire had really white teeth?

    Posted by: Jonathan | Sep 27, 2011 9:57:00 AM

  3. So much ignorance in one paragraph! The worst of it all - "And a lot of gays aren't getting married, even though they have the privilege."
    EVEN THOUGH THEY HAVE THE PRIVILEGE?! Not the right, the PRIVILEGE. Welcome to her idiot world where she can call herself an advocate and still see gay marriage as a privilege.

    Posted by: Chris | Sep 27, 2011 9:57:51 AM

  4. Oh, please, what's with the, But she's telling the TRUTH nonsense! Whose truth? Definitely not mine. She's a "matchmaker" whose matches never work and who's only interested in hooking up rich people. She's a single, childless 50 year old woman whose life is nothing like the ideal she presents as the only option for a contented life.

    Personally, as someone who's been in a committed relationship for 20 years (yet I need "curbing" cause I'm a gay guy) a relationship structured on my own rules, not the rules of some weirdly drag-queeny Bravo bimbo with bad plastic surgery (what did they do to her since last season!), I find it hilarious that anyone--especially gay men--would want her bogus advice. Most people I know have a much better relationship history than she does. Self-respecting people don't submit themselves to relationship commandments from reality show con artists. She's just a silly thing.

    Posted by: Ernie | Sep 27, 2011 9:58:10 AM

  5. JONATHAN: Pls re-read my post. Folsom St Faire is not bad or wrong, I'm saying that it is one very small segment of the gay community. Maybe 1 out of 10 of our gay friends have ever attended, many who live in SOMA (S of Market) AVOID the Faire. Most attendees come from out of SF and there are those who want to watch and those who want to please the watchers. 9 out of our 10 gay friends live average lives, handling careers, raising kids, managing marriages. I dated my husband three weeks before we ever had sex. As a teenager I know that I would have dropped him if we didn't have sex on the first date. As an adult I know there is much more to life then a quick bang. For Stanger to generalize and stereotype as she has done smears the reality of gay life. It is not bang, bang and bang every guy you see.

    Posted by: OS2Guy | Sep 27, 2011 9:59:54 AM

  6. I have been in a monogamous relationship with my husband for over 7 years can Patti say the same bet NOT!!!

    Posted by: mrbill | Sep 27, 2011 10:07:24 AM

  7. OS2GUY: I did re-read your post and I stand by it. I have two children. I have been married to my husband for 8 years and I've been with him for 11. Maybe four times a year we go out and party and maybe that involves winding up in bed after the party with the hottest guy(s) we can find. I lead a pretty average life the other 361 days a year. Just saying. Attending Folsom Street Fair doesn't really say anything about a person beyond they attended Folsom Street Fair. The friends I know who got married on day 1 of gay marriage in NYC have been together for 20 years and they are monogamous and they regularly go to parties, both in Fire Island and in Provincetown and in New York when the fancy strikes them. As I said before, they also met at a bathhouse. But they are about as average as any two people I know in that regard.

    Posted by: Jonathan | Sep 27, 2011 10:09:03 AM

  8. @Chris: Yeah, I loved that "privilege" thing. I've been on a campaign against her for years. Aside from being one of the most unattractive people in the world, she is also one of the most reprehensible and it's a sad state of the world that she has a vehicle like her show. Andy Cohen really should be ashamed. Bravo used to be the artsy channel.

    Posted by: Jonathan | Sep 27, 2011 10:11:25 AM

  9. "even though they have the privilege" this worst part of the whole thing ..... the right to marry is just that, a right. Not a privilege.

    Posted by: jamesnyc | Sep 27, 2011 10:12:06 AM

  10. These sorts of articles which are more like opinion pieces, than objective news, should have bylines, so we know who two address with praise or criticism.

    In any case, the headline was emotional, insecure and far more embarrassing a reply than the original statement to which it speaks.

    What makes her view poisonous? I think she makes a insightful point which too few people would want to express in polite company. It's refreshing to hear, and a bit too clear of a mirror, perhaps, for some of your staff and readership.

    I also think her comments are a great discussion platform, because she appears to have a standard opinion about how relationships "should" be. This is the sort of conversation progressive people (such as we gays are meant to be) would do well to take up and tussle with. Politely, constructively.

    It's a shame that this opportunity to address an key relationship issue has instead been squandered on name-calling and adding fuel to the fire of "my side / your side" politics.

    Posted by: mrAshley | Sep 27, 2011 10:17:27 AM

  11. I don't believe Patti has gay friends as she is no friend to gays her broad brush generalizations are harmful and prejudicial. The fact that Bravo gives her a voice still is shocking. Sure she apologized but then spewed off her same rhetoric on CNN amazes me. I think she should have been canceled as a guest which would not have been a difficult guest to replace.

    Posted by: Jeff | Sep 27, 2011 10:29:25 AM

  12. Again, she gets more airtime here on Towleroad than she does anywhere else. Who watches this crap?

    Posted by: BostonGRiTS | Sep 27, 2011 10:39:35 AM

  13. sounds like alot of you DON'T know Older gays....we aint all 20 somethings anymore - the older any older heteros LEARN to (Settle down) as we get older....usually by 30-mid 30's...never did a curcuit party or all nite partying since early 80's....I think its a Maturity thing

    Posted by: Gay American | Sep 27, 2011 10:49:59 AM

  14. "I love the sanctimonious gay men in relationships who think that because they're in one that all gay men should be in one..."

    Why do people start sentences with "I love" when they obviously mean the exact opposite?

    Posted by: oliver | Sep 27, 2011 10:50:54 AM

  15. It's called sarcasm.

    I love people who make ridiculous posts asking ridiculous questions.

    Posted by: BEAHBEAH | Sep 27, 2011 10:52:48 AM

  16. There's a big difference between what people say they believe, and what they actually do. I think a lot of gay men are sluttier than they say they are, or they'd like to be if given the opportunity. I also think there are plenty of gay men who genuinely want monogamy and getting to know someone before having sex, or they'd like to if it weren't so easy to have sex. And of course, there are men who float between both categories throughout periods of their lives. What is all this whining about one person's cheap opinion?

    Posted by: John | Sep 27, 2011 10:53:09 AM

  17. Because giving up dancing after your 30s even if you love to dance is a mature thing to do? With friends like you . . . . .

    I have friends who still go to circuit parties who are in their 60s. They also have great relationships, great jobs and great lives. These weird generalizations are getting a little nauseating.

    Posted by: Jonathan | Sep 27, 2011 10:55:15 AM

  18. "Gay" marriage is a "privilege"?

    This woman has always been an idiot. She's not any different than she was yesterday or will be tomorrow. She's on television specifically because she's an idiot. You don't want to see her? Tune her out.

    Posted by: ohplease | Sep 27, 2011 10:59:18 AM

  19. So the Folsom fair demonstrates that all gay men are sex obsessed predators who cannot be in a committed relationship? Please. Ever go to a singles bar in OC or in Hollywood? Stanger is trying to deflect that her crowd of wannabe nouveau riche never practice safe sex, always are looking for that Sex In The City glorified one night stand and are getting divorced faster then ever. I live in LA and the majority of my friends are ain long term relationships, some who marries before Prop 8 came down. Stanger is trying to do damage control for the fact that her show is a scam. And I agree that Andy Cohen, a VP at Bravo, has a lot to atone for.

    Posted by: velocifero | Sep 27, 2011 11:03:59 AM

  20. She painted with too broad a brush, but I think everyone should ease up. For one thing, she's an ally who got something wrong, not a virulent enemy out to make things worse for us all. For another, there's some truth in the things she said, even though it's not all correct.

    Hysteria, rather than measured and understanding correcting, fuels the people who complain about PC police and makes people resent even more the changes we're asking them to make. We can make our point and win more friends by gently correcting on these sorts of occasions.

    Posted by: BC | Sep 27, 2011 11:56:53 AM

  21. It's funny how wound-up promiscuous gays get when someone turns the mirror on them.

    Posted by: jr | Sep 27, 2011 12:00:11 PM

  22. @JR: She didn't turn the mirror on us. She turned the mirror on herself and projected her bogus relationship rules on us. Quite different.

    Not something to get wound up about, but it is funny that a failed matchmaker who's single and childless at 50 (not that there's anything wrong with that) would presume to tell her pets, "the gays," how to commit now that we've been so generously given the "privilege" of marriage (that's only in a few states and with a fraction of the benefits actual married straight people take for granted--yet we're expected to immediately jump on board, why?), a "privilege" she wonders if we're tamed enough for, never mind that she--and her pampered het clients--have had this privilege all along and have failed to seal the deal, while many of "us gays" have been in relationships for years and years. The irony is richer than her "millionaires."

    Posted by: Ernie | Sep 27, 2011 12:14:13 PM

  23. @Ernie: I'm always surprised when something like this happens and all the gay Almish emerge -- usually single and lonely, with a laundry of their perfect mate's 100 required qualities (65 of which are not negotiable). Anybody who can listen to anything Patti Stanger says and find reality really needs major life lessons. Everything is valid as long as it makes 1 or (if you want) 2 people happy. How any gay can defend someone who says we'd better "take advantage of the privilege of marriage we've been given" really doesn't have a clue.

    I thought she was vaguely amusing until she basically told the underwear model to his face that he was ugly and called him a "50-yarder." Coming from anybody that would be cruel and disgusting but it's also ironic when coming from a woman whose face looks like it came out of a can of dogfood.

    Posted by: Jonathan | Sep 27, 2011 12:37:37 PM

  24. Wow, my partner and I have been in a monogomous relationship in LA for 15 years. I guess we travel in different circles than Stanger. There's always a danger when a person thinks their own limited experience applies to everyone.

    Posted by: db | Sep 27, 2011 12:55:57 PM

  25. This woman is just spitting truth.

    Posted by: alex | Sep 27, 2011 1:01:00 PM

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