Movies: ‘They’re All Going to Laugh At You!’ … Resolutions For Hollywood

Ready? We'll limit this to five because the surest way to sabotage goals is to make too many of them.

 roadStop it with the remakes, 3D conversion, and sequels. You get one or the other or the other. Otherwise there will be nothing new ever.


Waiver for this rule: Please proceed with the proposed Tilda Swinton Auntie Mame remake. That would be all kinds of weird-wonderful-winning. 

 road No wearing out your new toys the minute you unwrap them. Jessica Chastain is awesome but she was in seven movies this year and a handful more are already in the can (I am not exaggerating). And she's hitting Broadway late this year, too? You'll break her! Same with Michael Fassbender who was in nine movies in the past three years and has three more coming in 2012. And yes, we're excited about Benedict Cumberbatch, too. He was great in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy. And now he's in War Horse and now he's going to be a Star Trek villain. Some of your older toys are still totally fun to play with. I promise. Spread the roles around.

Waiver for this rule: Tom Hiddleston. Mmmmmm Hiddleston.


 roadRelease movies faster. Shut up about them unless they're actually coming out. One of the weirdest things about movie culture in the internet age is that people either feel like they've already seen movies before they arrive (any blockbuster with months of publicity) or they are interested in seeing them but can't and then they either grow to resent the party they weren't invited to or forget all about it by the time their invitation arrives (any limited release film or painfully platformed specialty film with stars). Distribution did not speed up like the rest of the world did. Fix the disconnect! 

 road More diversity in movie casts please. This one should be easier. TV is pretty good about this but film lags behind. When we published that 10 best LGBT characters list two weeks back some people thought it was too filled with obscure choices. Where are the gay characters in mainstream cinema? Other minorities are sorely underrepresented too. Hollywood is trying to make a live action version of Akira, a classic influential anime from Japan. Are they casting Asian actors in the lead roles? Nope! Thankfully that one was just temporarily shut down too. Let's hope it stays that way.

Steve McQueen, the super talented director of sex-addiction drama Shame recently complained about Hollywood's resistance to actors of color at a roundtable of major directors and the other directors just sat there dumbfounded like they'd never even considered the problem!


 roadMore movie musicals with casts who are right for the roles and can actually sing. Tom Hooper was ALMOST there with his cast for Les Misérables but that's getting a bit weird now. Anne Hathaway can sing in a movie any time she likes — did you see her serenading of Meryl Streep at the Kennedy Center Honors? Perfection! — but now Taylor Swift as Eponine? That's so … weird. Weirder still: Taylor Swift as Helena Bonham Carter's daughter. Think that one through. They're all going to laugh at you!

Do you have any resolution you'd like to make for Hollywood? Have at it in the comments. 


  1. Shaun says

    Stop making 3D movies. They do not bring much joy to my movie watching experience, and I don’t want to pay $13 instead of $9 for a movie. When my local theaters show 3D and 2D versions of the same movie, the 2D screen only has 1 show per day, while the 3D got 4 or 5. If i don’t want to see it in 3D then I have no choice but to forgo it since the 2D version normally is shown during odd hours.

  2. Henry Holland says

    As a sidenote to “Release Movies Faster”:

    Quit showing me the whole damn movie in the trailer. My boss is a big fan of “The Hunger Games” books and he’s really geeked up about the movie coming out in March. I’d never heard of the books but I watched the trailer and was able to give him a detailed synopsis, he couldn’t believe it.

  3. Mike in the Tundra says

    I really don’t know about the Auntie Mame remake. Rosalind Russell is so identified with the role. The only thing that may make it okay is if they follow the book more closely.

  4. jaragon says

    Enough with the pointless remakes, 3-D should only be used for FX heavy spectacles- I love going to the movies but this Christmas season has been dreary because I just want to run out and watch depressed sex addicts, incestuous serial killer- enough with “critics” over hyping terrible movies that no sensible person would want to watch.

  5. Randy says

    I just read (I think on a mainstream news site) that Hollywood needs to start showing gay sex the way we really do it. No more pretending we don’t have sex. No more fade to black. Show it in all its slick and glistening glory, just like the straight pairings.

  6. finkles2000 says

    I’d be happy with a Carrie remake if it followed the book more closely than the original film and didn’t tack on a pointless happy ending like the TV version. I think the original is good, but not “perfect.” But then again, I’m not a huge fan of Brian de Palma’s direction or films.

    And I hope — now that Taylor Swift is going to be in Les Miz — that Justin Timberlake gets to play Jean Valjean.

  7. Robert says

    Fun article. Some good points.
    But people shouldn’t be complaining to Hollywood. Complain to audiences who go see this crap. We vote every time we but a ticket. Hollywood won’t make crappy remakes if they aren’t profitable.
    Audiences should make a New Year’s resolution to say NO to the next Footloose or Clash of the Titans. We have the power!

  8. Pierce_mn says

    Carrie, the musical, is being produced at the Lucille Lortel Theatre off Broadway starting at the end of January.

    Tilda Swinton, who is, along with Rachel Griffiths the most manic depressive actor in film as vibrant, energetic Auntie Mame? Or will she be Mame on Valium?

  9. Strepsi says

    2 more resolutions for Hollywood

    SInce Lord of the Rings desaturated its colors and tinted some special effects scenes blue or greenish, every genre film has done it. It’s tiresome seeing blue movies that are literally blue. And all the action films are desaturated Kodak colors like 70s film. Can we just have some nice crisp clear colorful movies?

    Just one.

  10. FernLaPlante says

    I agree with everything the author wrote except referring to Steve McQueen as “Super talented.” Shame was over-hyped, drawn out, dull, and homophobic (his one same-sex encounter was treated a hitting rock bottom of depravity.)

  11. Book 7 says

    Stop it with the 3D movies!!! The silver screen is a flat medium! Next, will we be forced to move through museums with glasses, seeing the Mona Lisa in bas relief? Ugh. 3D does not add (much) to the experience, it is a distraction, reduces the brightness of the image, and costs too much. I always choose 2D. The only 3D movie I saw was Jackass 3D because it was free and I didn’t care. Even in that genre it added nothing.
    Roger Ebert did a great essay on why 3D is bad. I’ve given a pass on movies I was actually excited about because they weren’t in 2D.
    In general, it’s pissing me off that movie theaters are trying to rake in the bucks by showing 3D and IMAX versions of films that don’t warrant it. Isn’t sodomizing me for $6 for a small popcorn enough? Now I’m tempted to just stay home by my lonesome, pop my own (much better) corn and pirate a film for free. In glorious 2D.

    PS – Thanks for the title of the article. Gave me a giggle when all I could hear in my head was Mario Cantone doing Piper Laurie. lol

  12. Tim says

    Loved this post! Thanks for the great style. Disney invested in all the 3D technology which is why its being thrown in our faces at every turn. One more reason to hate them…..

  13. jaragon says

    They already remade “Carrie”-if you must remake Stephen King redo the dreadful “Pet Sematary” movie. And yeah I agree that trailers do give away too much.

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