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Is It Unusual For Straight Guys To Frequent Gay Bars?

Gaybar2A newlywed woman wrote to Dear Abby to ask whether she should be worried that her fit and attractive husband is hanging out with the gays at drinking establishments.

Dan has been going out with Harry to gay bars where he gets “hit on” often. I can tell he likes the attention. I should also mention that Dan seems to be considerably less interested in sex lately.

His going to gay bars every night is beginning to worry me. If I say anything to him about it, he guilt-trips me about my travel.

Is it normal for a straight man to seek out the company of gay men?

Abby replies: "It is unusual for a straight man to frequent gay bars. But would you feel better if Dan were going to straight bars every night and being hit on by women while you’re away?"

Just because a man hangs out at a gay bar does not mean he is into guys, okay? Some of my best-friends are straight, and, yes, they venture out to the homo pubs with me. Never have they been "turned." And if this "Dan" is indeed of the gay variety, it's not because he's chilling at gay bars.

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  1. Uhm...the woman states her husband is going to gay bars every night, not every once in a while as you comment on in the subsequent pargraph.

    She should be worried. I would bet 'Harry' has 'Dan' picture next to his bed. :)

    Posted by: Bart | Apr 5, 2012 6:15:19 PM

  2. andrew, time to hit the bars for happy hour or go home. your analytical skills are obviously done for the day.

    Posted by: laQas | Apr 5, 2012 6:24:59 PM

  3. I think you may have missed the boat with your comment about this letter. I don't think she is worried the gay bar is going to turn her husband gay. I think she's worried he already is. It's not homophobic for a woman to want her husband to be straight.

    Posted by: p² | Apr 5, 2012 6:25:54 PM

  4. someone likes the c*ck.

    Posted by: Boingo | Apr 5, 2012 6:26:00 PM

  5. With that frequency, I'd bet my house that he's (at the very least) getting oral. I don't even go to gay bars that much.

    Posted by: Rodney Wollam | Apr 5, 2012 6:28:42 PM

  6. If only it was unusual for straight women to hang out in gay bars.

    Posted by: ggreen | Apr 5, 2012 6:30:23 PM

  7. Difficult to say, but every night and wife at home, he likes the attention, less sex at home.
    I think they need to talk, honestly and openly. They both deserve to be happy. Talk and make the decisions needed.

    Posted by: Matt26 | Apr 5, 2012 6:30:24 PM

  8. If a married man is hitting any kind of bar every night means she should be worried. Bad advice from Abby (I thought she was dead) telling her it could be worse, he could be getting hit on by women. Not sure about the last comment in this column. The bar doesn't have to turn him, he may have not been all that straight to begin with.

    Posted by: sara | Apr 5, 2012 6:32:01 PM

  9. One of my brothers has been going to gay bars with me for years. He and his girlfriends and now wife prefer them. But every night is a little much. Even I couldn't go to a bar every night.

    The husband is clearly a mess. Not because of the drinking at gay bars. But because he and Harry are going at it, and the wife is an idiot. I'd be surprised if they even make it to the bars.

    Posted by: Paul R | Apr 5, 2012 6:32:28 PM

  10. The gay bar I go to after work around 5ish has a mixture of gay and straight people getting off work, having a drink and leaving. Around 8, the bar becomes, ummmm, significantly "more" gay. If he's there after 9 or later, he's not just hanging out. He's cruising.

    Posted by: wwolffus | Apr 5, 2012 6:52:02 PM

  11. The first line of the woman's letter about her husband was: "He's bright, sweet, outgoing and very good-looking. He is in excellent shape and works out at the gym daily."

    My first thought was, umm, gay.

    Posted by: Roland | Apr 5, 2012 7:13:38 PM

  12. Girl, worry because he's out every night, not about where he goes.

    Posted by: Roger | Apr 5, 2012 7:38:33 PM

  13. She's right to ask.

    Posted by: anon | Apr 5, 2012 7:40:53 PM

  14. If the wife's question needed to be asked, she already knows the answer. Listen to that little voice, woman.

    Posted by: v | Apr 5, 2012 7:42:26 PM

  15. Maybe he's an alcoholic and just wants to get smashed with Gay men.

    Posted by: Sargon Bighorn | Apr 5, 2012 7:53:13 PM

  16. Sargon, something's getting "smashed" alright...and it ain't wifey....

    Posted by: redball | Apr 5, 2012 8:12:37 PM

  17. I was a married closet case for 25 years. I went to gay bars once in awhile when I could get away with it, but my wife never knew.

    Posted by: takingpillsinthedark | Apr 5, 2012 8:25:06 PM

  18. According to her letter to "Abby," her husband is good-looking and in great shape and all of his friends at the gym, where he spends a lot of his time, are also good-looking and in great shape. And, by coincidence, they're all gay. One of those gay friends is "very close" to her husband and takes him with him to gay bars every night. And, by coincidence, her husband hasn't shown much interest in sex with her lately.

    Was this letter dated April 1st? Because it sure sounds like some sort of April Fool's joke. Lady, if all of your husband's friends are gay and he goes with them to gay bars every night, he might be gay. Just sayin'.

    Posted by: Ninong | Apr 5, 2012 8:28:31 PM

  19. My straight shipmates want me to take them to gay bars cause they think yheir chances of picking up women are better there. This is kinda off- topic but is that true?

    Posted by: J.J. in the Navy | Apr 5, 2012 8:32:05 PM

  20. Now that I've read the whole letter; "Dan has become friendly with a group of men at the gym. Like him, they are all good-looking and in tip-top shape. They are also gay. One guy in particular, “Harry,” has become quite close to my husband. He often jokes about “recruiting” Dan and comments on Dan’s popularity with “the boys.” It looks like it's more about who he's spending time with, "Harry" , than spending time at a gay bar. She already knows the answer.

    Posted by: sara | Apr 5, 2012 8:34:00 PM

  21. when in doubt? Gay!!

    Posted by: bambinoitaliano | Apr 5, 2012 9:07:24 PM

  22. JJ - I don't know that their chances are any better, but I know that they aren't the first to try. When I was in grad school I used to go to this one gay club with a friend of mine often and we always got hit on by straight guys and almost never got hit on by any gay girls.
    I actually did have a lot of straight female friends who used to like to go to gay clubs with us because they didn't have to worry about being hit on and felt like they could relax more.

    Posted by: TEC | Apr 5, 2012 9:10:53 PM

  23. "Is he gay?"
    "Is he in the closet?"

    How 70's and boring. I'm with Sargon, he's probably an alcoholic. Just because you are in "great shape" (to most straight women this means HWP) doesn't mean you aren't an alkie.

    I don't go to bars- they are full of drunks. When I went to bars, I was a drunk. Through the miracle of not drinking and reclaiming my time, I stopped drinking and reclaimed my time. Other people replace one addiction with another, ie alcoholism with alcoholics anonymous. How 70's, how boring.

    Posted by: David Hearn | Apr 5, 2012 11:47:11 PM

  24. My son-in-law (I'm gay, his father is gay, he's not) likes to go to gay bars for the free drinks the gay guys offer up to him. We call him a "faux-mo". He loves it, but loves the free drinks even more. And NO he's not gay in the least just loves to drink and get attention. Maybe this guy is a faux-mo too! :)

    Posted by: Roger Givens | Apr 5, 2012 11:47:44 PM

  25. Could the wife just be exaggerating when she says he goes to gay bars every night? In any case there are a lot of straight guys that do frequent gay bars and are quite comfortable in their own skin.

    However the lack of interest in sex with his wife is definitely a warning sign on its own. He may be getting some elsewhere.

    Posted by: NY2.0 | Apr 6, 2012 12:20:26 AM

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