"Ex-Gays" | Gay Marriage | Mormon | Relationships | Religion

Josh Weed Is Gay, And Loves His Wife Very Much

JoshAndLollyThis is, I promise, one of the most fascinating things you'll read this June: The blog post in which Josh Weed, full-time "marriage and family therapist" and part-time humorist, comes out of the closet.

Thing is, Josh Weed is a very devout Mormon, and he's married to a woman. He and his wife, Lolly, have three daughters. Lolly and Josh have been friends since they were kids, and Lolly's known Josh was gay since he was 16. They got married anyway, and they reportedly have a "robust" sex life. But Josh says he's not bisexual. From the blog:

Some might assume that because I’m married to a woman, I must be bisexual. This would be true if sexual orientation was defined by sexual experience. Heck, if sexual orientation were defined by sexual experience, I would be as straight as the day is long even though I’ve never been turned on by a Victoria’s Secret commercial in my entire life. Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not by experience. In my case, I am attracted sexually to men. Period. Yet my marriage is wonderful, and Lolly and I have an extremely healthy and robust sex life. How can this be?

The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” I didn’t fully understand the answer to this question until I was doing research on sexuality in grad school even though I had been happily married for almost five years at that point. I knew that I was gay, and I also knew that sex with my wife was enjoyable. But I didn’t understand how that was happening. Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection. And Lolly and I have had that from day one, mostly because we weren’t distracted by the powerful chemicals of infatuation and obsession that usually bring a couple together (which dwindle dramatically after the first few years of marriage anyway). So, in a weird way, the circumstances of our marriage allowed us to build a sexual relationship that is based on everything partners should want in their sex-life: intimacy, communication, genuine love and affection. This has resulted in us having a better sex life than most people I personally know. Most of whom are straight. Go fig.

So -- Josh's gayness somehow improved his het sex life. It's a crazy world.

Josh's blog post is a little bonkers -- less because of his love life (which, like most love lives, looks a little bonkers to those on the outside looking in) than because of his Mormonism (which is just bonkers, full-stop) -- but it's kind of sweet, too. If he's to be taken at his word, it seems he ignored the imperatives of his own natural attractions to settle down with the person he believed to be his soul-mate, and with whom he wanted to build a family. If he was an atheist or a Unitarian or a Buddhist who did that and wrote about it, he'd be proclaimed a bold sexual rebel. The fact that he just happens to be a member of a religion that condemns homosexuality makes the decision feel a lot less bold, and more like the result of brainwashing --

-- but he's so nice! So reasonable! From the blog:

About two years ago, I saw a psychologist to get medication for my ADHD-I.  She was a lesbian, and when I told her that I was a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, she spent an entire session hammering me with questions about my situation in a genuine effort to make sure I was happy. I didn’t love that she did this, but as a clinician myself, I understood where she was coming from.

During our conversation, she told me about her life with her partner. She spoke of a girl, whom she considered her daughter, who is the biological child of her ex-lover, with whom she lived for only three years. She told me of how much she loved her daughter, but how infrequently she got to see her. And eventually, when talking about my sex life, she said “well, that’s good you enjoy sex with your wife, but I think it’s sad that you have to settle for something that is counterfeit.”

I was a little taken aback by this idea—I don’t consider my sex-life to be counterfeit. In response, I jokingly said “and I’m sorry that you have to settle for a counterfeit family.” She immediately saw my point and apologized for that comment. Obviously, I don’t actually think a family with non-biological members is counterfeit in any way. I also don’t feel that my sex-life is counterfeit. They are both examples of something that is different than the ideal. I made that joke to illustrate a point. If you are gay, you will have to choose to fill in the gaps somewhere. She chose to have a family in a way that is different than the ideal. I choose to enjoy sex in a way that is different than the ideal for a gay man. It all comes down to what you choose and why, and knowing what you want for yourself and why you want it. That’s basically what life is all about.

True! And it would sound even truer coming from somebody who doesn't base his life decisions on a book that claims Native Americans first sailed to America from the Levant.

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  1. Sorry, not buying it for a second. He may not want to define as bi, but he is. Gay men may have had some sexual experience with a woman - heck, in our teens, all men would have sex with anything that moves - and some things that don't. But when a man is gay, his primary sexual attraction is to men; women simply don't stoke the fire.

    Posted by: Dave | Jun 9, 2012 2:22:16 PM

  2. Yes, yes, yes...this guy is pathetic and misguided. OK, now that we're all in agreement about that...can someone please tell a joke or something? Remember...we're supposed to be GAY!

    Posted by: Paul B. | Jun 9, 2012 2:26:18 PM

  3. According to one of the commenters on Gawker, this guy works for a LSD clinic that peddles two solutions for being gay: celibacy and marrying a person of the opposite sex. I don't care if he and his wife are happy or not but I do fear people like him are just tools of the whole ex-gay movement. (By the way, what the hell has Gawker done to its comment sections - its like they want their page views to drop_

    Posted by: KP | Jun 9, 2012 2:37:15 PM

  4. I have always said, a strong imagination, a dimmer switch, and some hootch can make anything happen. (Maybe not the hootch part since he is a Mormon. LOL)

    Posted by: Angela Channing | Jun 9, 2012 2:48:14 PM

  5. @Angela...that was exactly what I needed to hear...thank you!!

    Posted by: Paul B. | Jun 9, 2012 2:49:40 PM

  6. @kp
    Looks like he works for a place called Lifestar that helps people "struggling with pornography addiction and unwanted sexually compulsive behavior". http://www.lifestarwashington.com/staff.php
    He's just another ex-gay therapist damaging LGBT youth by telling them that they can turn straight.

    Posted by: ptip | Jun 9, 2012 2:50:16 PM

  7. Why are non-biological children not ideal?

    Posted by: Rhea | Jun 9, 2012 2:52:41 PM

  8. Found the following response from Josh when asked about gay marriage (From Gawker comments):

    "I guess I can say three things: 1. I want people to feel loved and accepted. 2. I have what I consider to be legitimate fears that when marriage equality is finalized (and I think the times indicate that it is only a matter of time until that happens), there will then be religious persecution when religious institutions want to opt out of providing same-sex marriages because of their doctrines. Because this nation was founded, in part, by those seeking religious freedom, that seems rather foreboding to me. But I'm no political scientist and wouldn't claim to be. 3. Ultimately I suspect the solution would be some kind differentiation between marriage as a religious rite and civil unions as a binding legality, for everybody and not just gay people. I don't know if clean lines could be drawn though. I think we kind of messed things up in the beginning by having religious marriage and legal union so intertwined. I think that everyone should have the advantage of civil unions. I think that marriage as a religious rite should be governed by religions themselves."

    Another wolf in sheep's clothing.

    Posted by: KP | Jun 9, 2012 2:54:09 PM

  9. Also, how in the world can he 'perform' sexually if he's at least not attracted to his wife? So wouldn't that at least make him bisexual?

    Posted by: Rhea | Jun 9, 2012 2:54:42 PM

  10. Look for the Mittster presumptive nominee to obliquely refer to this when he's garnering his bona fides with the evangelical crowd that is still skeptical of Mormons.

    I'll take Mr. Weed's word that he is gay but in a marriage with a woman. One can't use the word "heterosexual" to describe his marriage because if he is gay, then it is a non-traditional marriage of one gay man and one straight woman.

    Here's what I have a problem with (and I may have missed it reading the above article or browsing over at Gawker) but has Mr. Weed ever had sex with another man? I don't think he mentions that he has. Therefore, what is that sense he has of himself that he can call himself "gay"?

    Is it that he is actively and currently attracted to men? When he is out with his wife, do they discuss how attractive Mr. Weed might find another man? Does Mr. Weed have sex with other men outside his marriage? Did he have sex with men before he married his wife?

    This is a very strange declaration by Mr. Weed and I am sure that this will get stirred into the propaganda stew that the Mormon church is brewing in order that Mitt Romney, candidate presumptive of the Republican Party, has something to take--obliquely--to that elusive and Mormon-averse evangelical base he is going to need in order to win in November 2012.

    I want very much to believe Mr. Weed, that he is blissfully happy in his marriage and with his "robust" sex life. He even manages to mention that it is not just about sex, but something much more profound that makes his relationship with his wife work so well.

    Mr. Weed also does not mention whether or not he counsels gay or lesbian couples to overcome their relationship difficulties in a strictly homosexual context.

    What I worry about is that this will once again be part of that heterosexual, evangelical, conservative mindset that it is all about "choices" and that one can "choose" not to live the "gay lifestyle".

    Sorry, Josh. Sorry, everyone else. Even in my most impersonal sexual interaction with another man, it is still more fulfilling to the absolute core of my being that any sexual relation I have had with a woman.

    I make no sense here. But, in this very volatile culture we LGBT people are fighting, for every "Josh" there are tens of thousands of "not Joshes" who are gay and no amount of "soul-mating" is ever going to get a 100% gay man or 100% lesbian to have fulfilling "robust" sex with someone of the opposite sex.

    That is a fact of our lives and of natural life in general.

    I am happy that you're happy, Josh. But that's YOU. And, you're gonna have to give me a hell of a lot more proof that you are "gay" for me to, um, swallow this declaratory verbal ejaculation that you currently are spewing forth.

    Posted by: jamal49 | Jun 9, 2012 3:01:52 PM

  11. I don't know why anyone thinks this is going to somehow harm our community or lead to people believing that all gays can/should live as straight. Because the reality is, most people see Mormons as crazy and will see this man as damaged, deluded and sad. The only people who are really going to be affected by this are boys and girls who are raised in Mormon/religious cultures who are tragically pushed into living a life which is unnatural to them. That is who needs to be protected and thought of here.

    As for Josh, I couldn't care less. He's anti-gay marriage, so obviously, his views are not shaped around "wanting to have a family", and he doesn't identify as ex-gay. He's just another brainwashed Mormon. Not anything else needed to be said about it.

    Posted by: Francis | Jun 9, 2012 3:02:13 PM

  12. ...and reinforcing negative stereotypes of the hypersexualized LGBTQI community by basing his argument on how much sex he's getting.

    Posted by: Amy Cirngeneck | Jun 9, 2012 3:06:38 PM

  13. Marriage as a religious rite would seem rightfully performed and constricted according to the tenets of the particular religion. Makes perfect sense to me. Marriage as a legal institution is something entirely different, as is the concept of marriage as something that benefits both the individuals involved as well as society. A legal marriage is a civil union. A civil union as a separate category, however, is not a marriage. No second class status, no separate and inherently unequal category, please.

    Posted by: TJ | Jun 9, 2012 3:09:10 PM

  14. And ATOMIC: Well-said, indeed!

    Posted by: TJ | Jun 9, 2012 3:10:05 PM

  15. Hey wifey! Ill get the solo-cup and the turkey baster and you go get the strap-on ready. Lets make another baby!

    Posted by: stevenelliot | Jun 9, 2012 3:10:39 PM

  16. I see this as no great departure from the nonsense that comes out of the "Ex-Gay" movement, he just seems to be a congenial person. Many ex-gay therapies uphold that while a person cannot change their sexual attractions, through prayer they may find the strength to live celibately or marry a woman.

    Ultimately this man is just as harmful as any ex-gay loon, because unaccepting parents of gay children will google conversion therapy and put this guy forward as a role-model.

    Posted by: Rich | Jun 9, 2012 3:13:20 PM

  17. i don't know why he's worried that legalizing marriage for same-sex couples is going to, in any way, affect the LDS.

    he makes it rather clear that gay Mormons dont have it in them to ask, or demand, to get married within the church , in a temple.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Jun 9, 2012 3:16:59 PM

  18. he lives his life as an example to everyone that being gay doesn't mean having to act on homosexual feelings,that gay men can have sexually fulfilled lives with a woman, and that the LDS religion really isn't anti-gay. Congratulations towleroad on supporting this 'bold sexual rebel' and allowing us to finally see just how wonderful a life we can all have if we just allow ourselves to look past our wants and embrace the truth that love knows no gender and our fight for 'equality' really is just a political agenda, our families really are 'less than ideal'; especially for children,how we really do choose our lifestyles, and how Mormons really do understand the truth about how gay people can be really happy in this life- in a fun, happy, spiritually fulfilled, productive heterosexual marriage. How's that for sarcasm?

    Posted by: Dana Chilton | Jun 9, 2012 3:23:13 PM

  19. I am sorry, but I laughed out loud throughout this post, in fact it is the only time I've laughed in a while on Towle.

    Seriously why should I believe what a member of a dysfunctional cult has to say?

    Posted by: Jose S | Jun 9, 2012 4:02:30 PM

  20. The problem with blogging and other types of publishing is that once you put words into stone you will want to keep defending them indefinitely. If there are any lies, half-truths or omissions in his statements the defense over time will get progressively more ridiculous. It's a slow motion car wreck of a story. We really can't verify any of his claims.

    There are many societies that have the practice of arranged marriage, and so two sexually incompatible people will get together and reproduce. Typically there are outlets in such societies for sexual fulfillment, though normally only for men. His situation, therefore, is common elsewhere but modern society can do better.

    Posted by: anon | Jun 9, 2012 4:14:31 PM

  21. Homosexuality is as much about whom we fall in love with as it is whom we fall in lust with.

    Obviously men can and will stick their junk in just about anything, and get less picky about it as their desperation increases.

    If this guy has fallen in love with a woman and claims to enjoy sex with her, despite how much he might want to have sex with men... that makes him 'bi', not gay, as far as I care.

    I wish him luck with his over-rationalized compromised life. If he works hard at the illusion of happiness, it may last him for years.

    Posted by: jexer | Jun 9, 2012 4:16:04 PM

  22. This is part of the Mormon's reparative ex gay therapy under the label "Affirmation: Gay & Lesbian" . This group is sponsored by the church.

    When someone comes out as gay to the church they're sent to these groups to discuss their options. One of the groups consist of gay men married to straight women. They counsel them on how this is a viable option for them & how happy they could be in these type of marriage.

    Considering some of the people coming to get counseled are already suicidal this type of counseling can be quite dangerous.

    Towle when posting this needed to consider this is not just some personal story ---it can be used to do harm.

    Just a few days ago Benji Schwimmer of SYTYCD did a series of videos where he discussed talking to these very group of gay men/ married to straight wife groups in the Mormon Church & how they were convincing him to do just that as a solution for his gayness.

    It's when his fallback plan of marriage to a woman got torpedoed(the woman said she couldn't handle being married to a gay man. She'd always be worried) that he went into a complete breakdown because he saw his only option disappear.

    Posted by: sara | Jun 9, 2012 5:06:26 PM

  23. Poor guy. He is so confused and messed up in the head I don't know where to begin...

    Posted by: anthony | Jun 9, 2012 5:06:31 PM

  24. The ENTIRE thing is just made up, ghost written, fictional. Propaganda.

    Posted by: shane | Jun 9, 2012 5:34:40 PM

  25. Devious actors playing out a script written for them over these last few weeks, after Obama came out for gay marriage. REHEARSED and SCRIPTED.

    Posted by: shane | Jun 9, 2012 5:39:23 PM

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