"Ex-Gays" | Gay Marriage | Mormon | Relationships | Religion

Josh Weed Is Gay, And Loves His Wife Very Much

JoshAndLollyThis is, I promise, one of the most fascinating things you'll read this June: The blog post in which Josh Weed, full-time "marriage and family therapist" and part-time humorist, comes out of the closet.

Thing is, Josh Weed is a very devout Mormon, and he's married to a woman. He and his wife, Lolly, have three daughters. Lolly and Josh have been friends since they were kids, and Lolly's known Josh was gay since he was 16. They got married anyway, and they reportedly have a "robust" sex life. But Josh says he's not bisexual. From the blog:

Some might assume that because I’m married to a woman, I must be bisexual. This would be true if sexual orientation was defined by sexual experience. Heck, if sexual orientation were defined by sexual experience, I would be as straight as the day is long even though I’ve never been turned on by a Victoria’s Secret commercial in my entire life. Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not by experience. In my case, I am attracted sexually to men. Period. Yet my marriage is wonderful, and Lolly and I have an extremely healthy and robust sex life. How can this be?

The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” I didn’t fully understand the answer to this question until I was doing research on sexuality in grad school even though I had been happily married for almost five years at that point. I knew that I was gay, and I also knew that sex with my wife was enjoyable. But I didn’t understand how that was happening. Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection. And Lolly and I have had that from day one, mostly because we weren’t distracted by the powerful chemicals of infatuation and obsession that usually bring a couple together (which dwindle dramatically after the first few years of marriage anyway). So, in a weird way, the circumstances of our marriage allowed us to build a sexual relationship that is based on everything partners should want in their sex-life: intimacy, communication, genuine love and affection. This has resulted in us having a better sex life than most people I personally know. Most of whom are straight. Go fig.

So -- Josh's gayness somehow improved his het sex life. It's a crazy world.

Josh's blog post is a little bonkers -- less because of his love life (which, like most love lives, looks a little bonkers to those on the outside looking in) than because of his Mormonism (which is just bonkers, full-stop) -- but it's kind of sweet, too. If he's to be taken at his word, it seems he ignored the imperatives of his own natural attractions to settle down with the person he believed to be his soul-mate, and with whom he wanted to build a family. If he was an atheist or a Unitarian or a Buddhist who did that and wrote about it, he'd be proclaimed a bold sexual rebel. The fact that he just happens to be a member of a religion that condemns homosexuality makes the decision feel a lot less bold, and more like the result of brainwashing --

-- but he's so nice! So reasonable! From the blog:

About two years ago, I saw a psychologist to get medication for my ADHD-I.  She was a lesbian, and when I told her that I was a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, she spent an entire session hammering me with questions about my situation in a genuine effort to make sure I was happy. I didn’t love that she did this, but as a clinician myself, I understood where she was coming from.

During our conversation, she told me about her life with her partner. She spoke of a girl, whom she considered her daughter, who is the biological child of her ex-lover, with whom she lived for only three years. She told me of how much she loved her daughter, but how infrequently she got to see her. And eventually, when talking about my sex life, she said “well, that’s good you enjoy sex with your wife, but I think it’s sad that you have to settle for something that is counterfeit.”

I was a little taken aback by this idea—I don’t consider my sex-life to be counterfeit. In response, I jokingly said “and I’m sorry that you have to settle for a counterfeit family.” She immediately saw my point and apologized for that comment. Obviously, I don’t actually think a family with non-biological members is counterfeit in any way. I also don’t feel that my sex-life is counterfeit. They are both examples of something that is different than the ideal. I made that joke to illustrate a point. If you are gay, you will have to choose to fill in the gaps somewhere. She chose to have a family in a way that is different than the ideal. I choose to enjoy sex in a way that is different than the ideal for a gay man. It all comes down to what you choose and why, and knowing what you want for yourself and why you want it. That’s basically what life is all about.

True! And it would sound even truer coming from somebody who doesn't base his life decisions on a book that claims Native Americans first sailed to America from the Levant.

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  1. The guy has simply been totally brainwashed. You can read it all over his piece. He built himself the life the church expects/demands from him, while judging everyone who doesn't adhere to it. That's all there is to it. In his cult, nothing else was an option for him. In particular, notice how derisive of the woman who has a non-biological child. Something he doesn't consider to be a real parent/child relationship because that's what his church told him to. That he then has to clarify is position is just his intellect failing to override his gut instinct.

    Posted by: Steve | Jun 9, 2012 5:46:45 PM

  2. As a HOMOSEXUAL man, I am attracted to men, have dated, slept and all the fun stuff with men. There has been one woman in my 30 years of life, whom while finding NO VAGINA attractive, I have had the ultimate attraction to. It had nothing to do with religion, wanting to have kids, or me settling for another type of life to avoid my NORMAL life that some might cause deviant. I loved her. I loved her with the pureness of who we both were. She was and is still to this day one of the best people I've had the privilege to know. Yes we did sleep together for a while and I had no trouble with it and she knew I was gay, but did not care because she knew who I was beyond that label that we place on each other. In Dr Who, Torchwood all the witty sitcoms out there, people move past sexuality or the label of the identity that we stick too... even in some modern cultures they do this. THere is no stigma to being with a man or a woman because they exist solely beyond the justification of the pleasure of release and enjoy the metaphysical experience that two people can very much share when sex is more than random. We spilt up because she was moving and I had no interest to move with her and the whole time, we both only saw each other. To this day, she is married to an amazing heterosexual man and I am married to an amazing homosexual man whom we both found as attractive as people can be beyond their skin.

    Posted by: Gw | Jun 9, 2012 5:54:40 PM

  3. Mormon Magic. I respect honesty within a marriage & she knows that he knows. I don't believe these two are so gloriously happy & certainly feel sad for the, if not already, soon to be brainwashed, kids. I don't get how Lolly can accept a marriage where her husband is imagining her as a "Larry" each night. Crazy!

    Posted by: Barbara | Jun 9, 2012 5:55:27 PM

  4. "Fascinating"? On the contrary, I find this story ridiculously dull. Gays have lived sexually functional heterosexual lives since the invention of the idea of sexual identity a few hundred years ago, and countless researchers have pointed out the malleability and range of sexual behavior. Moreover, this man's defensive "logic," that equivocates the "sacrifice" of being gay in an anti-gay society with the "sacrifice" of sex with a gender you're not that into, is both patently offensive and very, very sad. Ultimately, though, both gays and straights marry (and have sex with) people for whom physical attraction isn't necessarily that strong, obviously, duh, and this dude's taking way too much pleasure and pride in himself for being some sort of revolutionary. Yuck. Please stop talking about him.

    Posted by: doogiehowsah | Jun 9, 2012 6:02:42 PM

  5. Something is really, really "off" with that Josh. He truly sounds crazy. I don't care his justifications and his blah, blah, blah's ... the guy is brainwashed. He is a bi-sexual in denial. Whatever.

    If that's his "thing", fine with me and society. Go live your life whatever way you want, even if it's weird. He better just not go around trying to "change" others into his warped thinking.

    Posted by: FunMe | Jun 9, 2012 6:13:24 PM

  6. Eww....on so many levels...eww. Ok, got that outta the way. He seems bisexual to me, but he gets to define himself I guess. Where he crosses the line is trying to extrapolate. He doesn't get to define others, or their experience. Basic therapy premise...speaking of which...we're in the process of outlawing reparative "therapy" here in California...."even" for teens. I'm sure that will take 100 years to reach Utah,if it ever does. I could abide other components of his "philosophy" if he weren't so intolerant of civil rights for LGBT folks. We deserve the same rights as heterosexuals. Period.

    Posted by: Rocco | Jun 9, 2012 6:29:26 PM

  7. This is sad on so many levels.

    The worst part, however, is this type of behavior is alive and well within the mormon church.

    My younger brother is following the same exact routine. Years ago he admitted that his sexual orientation is towards men but that didn't matter, only his sexual behavior mattered.

    Since then, he has married an extremely orthodox and devout mormon woman, has had two kids, and is "profoundly happy" with his life.

    My mormon siblings put him on a very high pedestal as a shining example of how one can "do away" with the gay. With an undertone of "wink wink" to me (no worries there, I dropped away from the mormon church in my early teens and rather enjoy my black sheep status).

    My non-mormon siblings and I wonder how long it will be till the brainwashing wears thin.

    I'm most concerned about the kids. And how my brother will one day look back at his life and how it could have been much more fulfilling and joyous if he was just willing to accept who he is rather than bury it in the mormon doctrine.

    never underestimate the power of denial . . . throw in a dash of mormonism with said denial and the results are truly scary.

    Posted by: lcaruca | Jun 9, 2012 7:11:39 PM

  8. When I was 23 I wanted to try sex with a woman. I met my future wife through a man I was having a relationship with. We had sex. She got pregnant. We decided to get married to insure my paternity. After the birth we would go our separate ways but both raise the child. Our daughter died at birth. I really liked the thought of having children so we stayed married and had two sons. For the first five years I was still having sex regularly with my ex-boyfriend and others. It was very frustrating every time I met a man I was strongly attracted to, knowing that, as long as I was married, a close relationship was impossible.
    We were living about 45 miles north of Chicago and I was working in Chicago, so it was easy for me to go out after work. I grew up in Chicago and had many gay friends there. Later I started working closer to my home. There wasn't much of a gay community where I lived and the gay people I knew there were not as liberated as the people I knew in Chicago.
    I became more and more frustrated as the years went on. I felt more and more isolated. I started drinking heavily and became very hard to live with. I wasn't abusive, but I was morose and depressed all the time. A few days after our 13th anniversary my wife was killed in a car accident. It was hard for me to adjust to the change. I missed her but I also felt liberated. Fortunately my sons were very devoted to me and helped me through this period. They helped me stay sober and I had free time to spend with my gay friends.
    One of the side effects of our being married was that two of my gay friends decided they could get married to women, too. One marriage ended in an amicable divorce. The other man claims he was never gay to begin with. He seemed to know what he was doing when we had sex, but that's his problem.
    Marriage between gay men and women may work for some people. I think this man is just deluding himself.

    Posted by: billydee4 | Jun 9, 2012 7:15:01 PM

  9. O.K. So he married his fag-hag. He's not the first gay guy to do that. My only question: How does he get it up for her? Or better said; what does he think about in order to get it up for her? Well, I guess that's not my only question because I'd also like to know, since he's probably never had sex with anyone else, how does he know that the sex he has with her is awesome? BTW, I bet he doesn't eat her out!

    Posted by: Bill | Jun 9, 2012 7:29:13 PM

  10. So basically... He fantasizes about MEN while having sex with his wife.. Phew.. that could have been a lot easier than hid rambling, beat around the bush blog..

    Posted by: Scott | Jun 9, 2012 7:46:30 PM

  11. As a former Mormon, I know lots of men just like Josh who think they can eat their cake and have it too. Every single one of them at some point left his "soul mate" despite having kids and being so blissfully "happy" and settled down with a man. He's so afraid of leaving the Mormon church he's doing everything he can to make it work. I know, I almost fell into that trap myself. He's being used by the LDS church and he doesn't even know it. Sorry, but I just don't believe him. One is not gay by who they have sex with, one is gay by who they fall in love with. One day Josh will probably meet a man who will knock him off his feet and next thing you know, the wife is left far behind. That will be a hard day for both of them and especially for their children. I just don't believe him. I also think that anyone who thinks he's attracted to men but wants to deny same-sex marriage is a huge HYPOCRITE and a self-hating bigot!

    Posted by: Brad | Jun 9, 2012 7:47:01 PM

  12. I'm so sick and tired of the fundies pushing this "choice" thing on us, and then showing we can "choose" to be straight. Here's a novel idea; show me a straight person who "chooses" to be gay. Yeah, I thought so. This guy is probably one of the gayest fruits in the fruitcup, but he isn't homosexual. Homosexuality is physical and emotional attraction to members of the same sex. It's more than just sex, it's an emotional need as well. He doesn't qualify for either, as he's good with being emotionally attached to a woman, as well as having sex with her. At best, he's bisexual, but since he has no real history with men, that is up for debate. I'm calling him a fundie liar, and moving on.

    All you bi advocates who say that love has no gender, blah, blah, blah, JUST BECAUSE you like it doesn't mean it will work for me, or other gay men and women, or even straight men and women. You do what you want, but let the rest of us do what we want without hearing how the world would be better without sexual orientation or gender labels. Most of us like that because most of us are genuinely attracted to one sex or the other, but not both. Why? We don't know, but why should it matter? Our bodies, hearts, and minds say it's right, so it's right.

    Posted by: Matt | Jun 9, 2012 8:02:24 PM

  13. There is some truly fascinating stuff that's been written about heteroROMANTIC homoSEXUAL people and (vice versa) homoROMANTIC heteroSEXUAL people.

    i wonder if josh is the former. for example, does he (or would he) enjoy j/o'ing to nude male porn?? that would be a simple litmus test.

    Posted by: redball | Jun 9, 2012 8:06:57 PM

  14. BILLYDEE4...wow...just wow. If that story is true, it's a whole new show waiting to be scripted. Just as juicy as Desperate Housewives.

    Posted by: redball | Jun 9, 2012 8:11:13 PM

  15. ATOMIC, you put into words perfectly what i find so disgusting and infuriating about some of these religions and associated asininity such as Creationism:

    "Does that mean we stop respecting their right to religious freedom? No, of course not. But it is an act of false equivalence to give their viewpoint equal weight. These are people who make scientifically incorrect assertions about the world we live in. I see no logical reason why that must be given due consideration--indeed, it cannot under any evidence-based form of thinking or Socratic discourse."


    Posted by: redball | Jun 9, 2012 8:13:29 PM

  16. Thank you Brandon for replying to my comment :-)

    And thank you for the providing the rationale- but your posts could never be too long or boring. However, I think Josh should preface or update his post to clarify that he does not want his story to be used to force gay people into straight relationships- or to state he thinks they can and should. The "non-biological" comment was weak and doesn't necessarily mean gay relationships; taken literally, it could apply to neither straight or gay relationships- only to children and their parents, whether they're the biological offspring or not.
    As another poster pointed out- he has stated in a Gawker's commenting area that he has concerns about allowing marriage equality. And he already stated that he believes children should only have a mother and a father.
    He seems like a sweet guy-but I fear unless he clarifies he's for his fellow guys and girl's rights- he'll be used as a posterboy for their campaign. And he should be. Most of the people commenting on here and Gawker were supportive of him. I hope he states he supports us, too. And not in an unambiguous "oh love them-love them.... but your actions are still sin" kind of way.

    Posted by: scott | Jun 9, 2012 8:15:33 PM

  17. this just has so much dirty written all over it i'm not touching it "marriage and family the/rapist" indeed

    Posted by: epic | Jun 9, 2012 8:18:58 PM

  18. I don't believe a word this guy says. The only thing that will come of this is a few years from now he'll have used up years of his wife's life and his own. Talk about kidding yourself.

    Posted by: jpcolter | Jun 9, 2012 8:26:03 PM

  19. I don't see the problem.

    Old people manage to have good sex, and have you seen them? (By the way, barring some fatality, we're all going to BE them, so get ready). Hookers manage to have (some) good sex, and they can't just pick who they're attracted to. At some point, attraction simply can't be the determining factor any more.

    Love doesn't care about gender.
    And sex doesn't either.

    That's why it's not unheard of for straight guys to be in long term sexual relationships with gay guys. But we don't usually complain about that here...

    But it does work best for a lot of people when love and attraction line up, and it can go horribly wrong when someone's in the closet. And that's why we should have the freedom to love who we love, without discrimination, and we shouldn't worry about this particular couple becoming some sort of poster couple for the anti-gay crowd.

    Posted by: Randy | Jun 9, 2012 8:43:48 PM

  20. I stumbled upon this, as it is linked from the blog post itself. Reading through these comments, I really appreciate that "intent and motivation are everything." Absolutely they are; nothing else matters. And I agree that the subtle use of "ideal" was (likely) unintentionally degrading. I also found it eerie that on his blog, all he received was extremely positive feedback and hardly any push back at all. A handful of comments were removed and I too would be interested to know what sort of comments were removed and why. I find his aversion to the term "bisexual" somewhat of a oddity.

    However, it feels like very few here actually read the article. He very pointedly stated that though this lifestyle works for him, and that he in no way advocates that this is generalizable or applicable to others. It seems that many read the headline: "Gay Mormon is Married with kids" and all the readers' biases towards faith and particularly Mormons were applied to Josh and his situation.

    Sadly, though, I think the general sentiment expressed here will be realized: other Mormons will use this as an example to push individuals into unhealthy directions, though this isn't the intent of the author's post.

    Josh is authentic in what he says; I know him and his wife. His story/post is not Mormon propaganda, nor is it fictional or made up. He doesn't know anybody of any kind of influence in the Mormon faith. This has absolutely no political affiliation or relevance. He is a staunch liberal and advocates for Obama (a minority in his faith group); I'm not sure what sort of 'ally' he would be to conservatives.

    His ability to participate in his religion will be curtailed for no other reason than he has stated this: that he is attracted to men. He anticipated that he'd be sidelined but chose to do this all the same. The fact is, he observed the inconsistency in advising youth to be true to themselves and come out, not having come out himself. He clearly states this under the first of many questions. But again, it seems that few here cared to read that.

    On a site full of individuals who have been marginalized and mistreated for who they are, I find it sadly ironic that you all have "the cure" for Josh - something you hate the Mormon church for telling their own. Shame on you.

    Posted by: PasserBy | Jun 9, 2012 9:18:09 PM

  21. Passerby, we're also responding to Josh's comments on the Gawker article. He made some illusions to the fact that he would coach his homosexual patients towards more traditional lifestyles, like marriage, as a solution.

    Posted by: MateoM | Jun 9, 2012 9:24:09 PM

  22. @Passerby
    The fact that he forced himself to marry a woman despite being gay shows that he finds homosexuality deplorable. He talks a good talk, but actions speak louder than words. You really think he's counseling gay kids to accept themselves when he can't even accept himself?

    Posted by: ptip | Jun 9, 2012 9:34:31 PM

  23. This is just the next wave of the ex-gay movement. I'm surprised so many blogs are falling for such an obvious mormon marketing ploy. Like the "I'm a Mormon" youtube videos, this is just advertising. Very tedious.

    Posted by: JM | Jun 9, 2012 9:48:36 PM

  24. Weed is an awesome name!

    Posted by: ratbastard | Jun 9, 2012 10:05:38 PM

  25. i just can't resist....this is just so much more dangerous...this is more then his life, this is what he promotes as alternative for the gay mormons he counsels....its just as twisted, just with a sugar coating the other anti-gay wingnuts are making the lives of the innocent gay youth a hell on earth.

    Posted by: epic | Jun 9, 2012 11:22:28 PM

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