"Ex-Gays" | Gay Marriage | Mormon | Relationships | Religion

Josh Weed Is Gay, And Loves His Wife Very Much

JoshAndLollyThis is, I promise, one of the most fascinating things you'll read this June: The blog post in which Josh Weed, full-time "marriage and family therapist" and part-time humorist, comes out of the closet.

Thing is, Josh Weed is a very devout Mormon, and he's married to a woman. He and his wife, Lolly, have three daughters. Lolly and Josh have been friends since they were kids, and Lolly's known Josh was gay since he was 16. They got married anyway, and they reportedly have a "robust" sex life. But Josh says he's not bisexual. From the blog:

Some might assume that because I’m married to a woman, I must be bisexual. This would be true if sexual orientation was defined by sexual experience. Heck, if sexual orientation were defined by sexual experience, I would be as straight as the day is long even though I’ve never been turned on by a Victoria’s Secret commercial in my entire life. Sexual orientation is defined by attraction, not by experience. In my case, I am attracted sexually to men. Period. Yet my marriage is wonderful, and Lolly and I have an extremely healthy and robust sex life. How can this be?

The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” I didn’t fully understand the answer to this question until I was doing research on sexuality in grad school even though I had been happily married for almost five years at that point. I knew that I was gay, and I also knew that sex with my wife was enjoyable. But I didn’t understand how that was happening. Here is the basic reality that I actually think many people could use a lesson in: sex is about more than just visual attraction and lust and it is about more than just passion and infatuation. I won’t get into the boring details of the research here, but basically when sex is done right, at its deepest level it is about intimacy. It is about one human being connecting with another human being they love. It is a beautiful physical manifestation of two people being connected in a truly vulnerable, intimate manner because they love each other profoundly. It is bodies connecting and souls connecting. It is beautiful and rich and fulfilling and spiritual and amazing. Many people never get to this point in their sex lives because it requires incredible communication, trust, vulnerability, and connection. And Lolly and I have had that from day one, mostly because we weren’t distracted by the powerful chemicals of infatuation and obsession that usually bring a couple together (which dwindle dramatically after the first few years of marriage anyway). So, in a weird way, the circumstances of our marriage allowed us to build a sexual relationship that is based on everything partners should want in their sex-life: intimacy, communication, genuine love and affection. This has resulted in us having a better sex life than most people I personally know. Most of whom are straight. Go fig.

So -- Josh's gayness somehow improved his het sex life. It's a crazy world.

Josh's blog post is a little bonkers -- less because of his love life (which, like most love lives, looks a little bonkers to those on the outside looking in) than because of his Mormonism (which is just bonkers, full-stop) -- but it's kind of sweet, too. If he's to be taken at his word, it seems he ignored the imperatives of his own natural attractions to settle down with the person he believed to be his soul-mate, and with whom he wanted to build a family. If he was an atheist or a Unitarian or a Buddhist who did that and wrote about it, he'd be proclaimed a bold sexual rebel. The fact that he just happens to be a member of a religion that condemns homosexuality makes the decision feel a lot less bold, and more like the result of brainwashing --

-- but he's so nice! So reasonable! From the blog:

About two years ago, I saw a psychologist to get medication for my ADHD-I.  She was a lesbian, and when I told her that I was a gay man in a heterosexual marriage, she spent an entire session hammering me with questions about my situation in a genuine effort to make sure I was happy. I didn’t love that she did this, but as a clinician myself, I understood where she was coming from.

During our conversation, she told me about her life with her partner. She spoke of a girl, whom she considered her daughter, who is the biological child of her ex-lover, with whom she lived for only three years. She told me of how much she loved her daughter, but how infrequently she got to see her. And eventually, when talking about my sex life, she said “well, that’s good you enjoy sex with your wife, but I think it’s sad that you have to settle for something that is counterfeit.”

I was a little taken aback by this idea—I don’t consider my sex-life to be counterfeit. In response, I jokingly said “and I’m sorry that you have to settle for a counterfeit family.” She immediately saw my point and apologized for that comment. Obviously, I don’t actually think a family with non-biological members is counterfeit in any way. I also don’t feel that my sex-life is counterfeit. They are both examples of something that is different than the ideal. I made that joke to illustrate a point. If you are gay, you will have to choose to fill in the gaps somewhere. She chose to have a family in a way that is different than the ideal. I choose to enjoy sex in a way that is different than the ideal for a gay man. It all comes down to what you choose and why, and knowing what you want for yourself and why you want it. That’s basically what life is all about.

True! And it would sound even truer coming from somebody who doesn't base his life decisions on a book that claims Native Americans first sailed to America from the Levant.

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  1. If you have to jump through this many hoops to justify who you have sex with, you're doing it wrong. Religion are fairy tales and basing your life around one is incredibly sad and just insane as these types of people demonstrate time and time again.

    Posted by: Thisguy | Jun 10, 2012 12:43:34 AM

  2. Imagine for a second that GLBT community are Jews in pre Nazi Germany.

    Well, the Nazis are telling us "Look, we even march in your Pride parades. You have nothing to fear from us..."

    And Hans Weed here says "I'm Jewish too, you can trust me. The Nazis really care about you. They just want discussion. They just want to move you into more "comfortable" neighbourhoods.

    I don't think I have to tell anybody that the Mormons are pn a huge PR campaign now that they have a chance of getting one of their own into the oval office. I don't think I need to tell anybody that part of that capaign isnan attempt to normalize their image and seem less extreme.

    I'm sure I don't need to remind anyone that wrapper jas changed, the insidebis still a gross product t
    hat doesn't approve of gay rights, and believes that living tje "gay lifestyle" is not an option.

    Don't fall for tye whole "we support you with pretty words (semantics) but don't pay attention to our actions, like funding anti gay causesbto the tune of billions, whixh tell a different and truer story." garbage that yhey spew

    Posted by: Mk_ultra | Jun 10, 2012 1:56:39 AM

  3. REDBALL: It's all true.

    Posted by: billydee4 | Jun 10, 2012 2:09:15 AM

  4. Funny thing is I was married to Lolly's childhood best friend. I was also a Mormon. In fact Lolly was my ex-wife's matron of honor in our wedding. I had met my ex-wife in high school when I was 15, and soon afterward we dated from 16 to 21. All the while I was gay.
    I know Josh and Lolly very well, or did, it's been a few years since I have spent time with them. My ex-wife and I divorced 6 years ago after I finally couldn't handle lying to myself and more importantly to her. I admitted I was gay our first year of marriage, and she has since admitted she knew long before, since our high school years, but had decided denial was easier for her. I love her to this day, but I know no matter how much I loved her I could never make her happy in all the ways she deserved.
    We had sex, and actually at times, it was a healthy sex life, but I truly was disgusted with myself and the act. We did marriage counseling and tried many things to try and "make it work". I went through with it all, because I loved her so much.
    She has since told me that she is so much more fullfilled as a person, and more importantly as a woman having met a straight guy that truly finds her to be the most fetching thing he has ever seen.
    I love Josh and Lolly and even though I know them pretty well, I truly understand their love for each other, their children and their commitments to their faith and covenents thay made in the temple. But I don't understand staying together.
    We have often laughed about how much our lives were the same, the girls being best friends having met and married gay guys. But due to the religion and the pressures put upon us by our parents, and religious leaders, I felt like I had to be someone I wasn't.
    I have since left the church and accepted who I am. If there is a God, then I think he would much more want me to experience true love and self acceptence. And live my life in a truly authentic way.
    I wish Josh and Lolly the best.
    My ex-wife and I just couldn't live our life like theirs.

    Posted by: Shane | Jun 10, 2012 2:18:33 AM

  5. What ever floats his boat, but all I think of sex with a woman is; Eww.

    Posted by: Ryon | Jun 10, 2012 3:07:01 AM

  6. He presents a false choice when revealing his discussion with the psychologist. Either have a real family and be sexually unfulfilled, or be sexually fulfilled without a real family. But real family's can come in many forms. And while love can come in many forms aswell, love without sexual attraction in a romantic relationship is a soup missing a few ingredients. He has imposed these choices on himslef. There are same-sex couples who are in love, very attracted to each, and with real families.

    And to describe sexual attraction as a distraction from intimacy is asinine.

    Point blank, he took an easy safe route. Going out into the big bad gay world, and facing a bigoted society is just too much for some people. Hence why he has never even been with a man. The quest for true love and attraction can be daunting. If sexual attraction was removed as a criteria for marriage, alot more people would be married. But getting married just for the sake of getting married by making marriage easier doesn't necessarily make the union ideal or even worthwhile. I don't think he knows what he is missing.

    Posted by: anony6 | Jun 10, 2012 3:22:11 AM

  7. Wow. For a group that advocates, nay, DEMANDS acceptance, (this is directed at the angry gays and gay advocates in here) I'm sure not hearing much of it in these comments. All I've noticed is people deriding this major life decision and his religion. Hypocrisy much?

    Posted by: Steven | Jun 10, 2012 3:28:51 AM

  8. You can be straight or gay all your life, and suddenly you fall for a PERSON. You fall for that person's verve, and life, and love, and sparkle. The fact that they are the same/opposite sex MEANS NOTHING because you love them. You love everything about them and want to spend your life with them. Sexuality isn't strict, nor is it governed by rules.

    Humans try to impose rules, and control, but attraction doesn't listen, thank goodness.

    I may fall in love with a woman, but that doesn't meant I am attracted to all women. I ccan be attracted to the ONE person, because of who and what they are, what they mean tome, what they embody.

    It's not so strange, and this article seems to be rather of the point and laugh variety. Digs about the man's religion are uncalled for, but also TOTALLY unneccessary.

    It makes no difference, gay or straight. Love has no such rules, no such impositions and yes, I've been there.

    He sounds like a very kind, and very sensible person, and neither person in that relationship is 'suffering' or 'settling'.

    How sad that people can't just be happy for them, they have to turn them into an oddity.

    Posted by: Lisa F | Jun 10, 2012 5:03:06 AM

  9. Lisa, I suppose I can't argue with your basic premise, as I have encountered some of those people...most of them bisexual, most of them women.

    I think what you may not understand about a lot of folks on here is how much we have been harmed by proponents of "reparative therapy,"or harangued by people who claim anyone can become "straight," or bisexual. There is such a person as a "Kinsey Six," I am one. I'm not the only one.

    I'm sure the couple in this article are fine people. They get to be who they want to be. They don't get to tell me who to be, or define/ describe my experience (sexuality). They don't get to decide my civil rights, my husband's, or my children's, that's where they get into trouble: trying to regulate others.

    I hope this makes sense to you, & doesn't seem hostile...take care...

    Posted by: Rocco | Jun 10, 2012 7:12:27 AM

  10. Oh, and about the religion thing...the Mormon church was a major player in passing Prop. 8 here in California. Then there's an awful history about what almost all organized religions have done to LGBT folks for several centuries...that would account for a lot of the hostility you noticed here.

    Posted by: Rocco | Jun 10, 2012 7:58:00 AM

  11. If they're happy, good for them.

    But please don't tell me that you have a great sex life with a woman if you're only attracted to men.
    He says:
    "The truth is, what people are really asking with the above question is “how can you be gay if your primary sex partner is a girl?” "

    That is not my question at all. My question is: How can you think you have a "healthy, robust sex life" with a woman, if you are sexually attracted to ONLY MEN?

    You're both living a lie to fit in with your religion. It's totally beyond my comprehension how you can be an out gay man, and live as a hetero. You cannot tell me that on some level, maybe when you're not blogging, you're not happy.

    Posted by: JD | Jun 10, 2012 9:40:21 AM

  12. So he's attracted to men yet is married to a woman and has sex with her... this is not shocking news.

    There are plenty of married/partnered people who have sex with their chosen one and are highly attracted to completely different people in both orientation camps. Acting on those feelings are different from having them.

    He is not claiming that he is ex gay, or living a lie. He is simply choosing to not act on his nature. Just as we have the right to act on our nature. The truth is we all make decisions every day and do the best we can with the results of those decisions.

    Posted by: warren | Jun 10, 2012 11:21:09 AM

  13. I'm 99.5% heterosexual: there have been one or two effeminate gay guys in my life I've been seriously attracted to, in the middle an endless cavalcade of women.

    The guy's religion does raise legitimate suspicion, but I'm in the camp that says he should be taken at his word, and also that this is a mostly irrelevant example for everyone else. He should absolutely not be taken as a model for people who want to "change," because there should be NO REASON for anyone with an ordinary homosexual orientation to want to change, as there's no reason to regard an ordinary homosexual orientation with opprobrium. Only those bigots who do have any interest in making people "change," and they completely disregard the interests of those that they want to change. The stigma surrounding homosexuality has to go away before this guy's example (if indeed he is being honest) can be seen in its proper context.

    And I was going to add something vulgar about what his wife lets him do in bed, but I'll leave it at that.

    Posted by: Karel | Jun 10, 2012 12:05:39 PM

  14. Not only is this man's story entirely unremarkable, he completely misses the point.

    Throughout most of the 20th century, most LGBT people lived their lives this way. We were forced to by legal and social sanctions that harshly penalized those of us who came put of the closet or even discreetly acted on our feelings. While some of the most serious legal sanctions have been eliminated and the social sanctions have eased, there are still penalties for being an out LGBT person. Far more of us are out today, but some still live in fear. I can only say "So what?" to Mr. Weed's story.

    What he ignores or misses is that the majority of his peers -- Mormons, Christians and others -- have worked very hard at maintaining the legal and social sanctions that penalize us and some of his peers have said they would put other legal penalties, such as sodomy laws, back on the books if they could. One could argue that Mr. Weed tells his story to put a kinder, gentler face on the prejudice that underlies the efforts of his peers.

    When Josh Weed puts as much time and energy into condemning the hatred and violence (That violence comes in a number of forms) of his peers then I might believe that he holds to this notion of loving the sinner, but until he has done that loudly and consistently, I don't give a damn what he thinks.

    Posted by: So what? | Jun 10, 2012 12:31:49 PM

  15. LISA is right and PASSERBY has added a lot of interesting/powerful stuff (many people have) even though many also seem threatened, perhaps understandably.

    There's everything under the sun here below and it's all simultaneous...but I am sorry that Josh's story will be used by the fundies to short circuit the authentic feelings and life of many gay people. Still, I believe that when they persist people manage to swim through the net of convention in the opposite direction and find their right place. It's condemning religions that need to change (and are) not gay people (who are winning through the force of nature itself).

    Posted by: UFFDA | Jun 10, 2012 2:13:19 PM

  16. Study Finds Utah Leads Nation in Antidepressant Use


    I wonder why.

    Posted by: jimstoic | Jun 10, 2012 2:29:55 PM

  17. ""She chose to have a family in a way that is different than the ideal"

    Really? That's very strange, because all the opposition to marriage equality is that all children MUST have the ideal family of one father and one mother. All other arrangements amount to child abuse, and must be avoided at all costs.

    And here she is proud to say her family situation is not ideal. I only wish she were as fair with gays who want to marry.

    Posted by: Randy | Jun 10, 2012 2:31:31 PM

  18. Interesting.. and complicated... I see some validity in what he says... and you will know why... however, I'd like to hear from him again in 30 years. I'd like to hear from him, after the children are gone, when it is just he and his wife.. will he still be a gay virgin.. we will see...

    Posted by: alan | Jun 10, 2012 4:50:26 PM

  19. I'm sure this has already been mentioned, but I didn't feel like reading through 117 comments.

    What's frustrating about this story is that because they are both US citizens, no one is swooping in and breaking up their marriage on fraud grounds.

    Immigrants who marry American citizens have to jump through all sorts of hoops to "prove" that the marriage is real, if they want to apply for a green card or citizenship. If an official were to learn that the immigrant partner were gay, and especially if the immigrant partner self-identified as gay, then the application would be denied outright because the marriage is a "fraud." And the immigrant partner risks deportation and denial of any future visas to the US.

    So while it's great for this man to identify as gay, marry a straight woman, and have the life he wants, it's a shame that so many of our LGBT brothers and sisters do not have the same experience.

    Posted by: Matt | Jun 10, 2012 4:51:46 PM

  20. love that comment, Matt.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Jun 10, 2012 4:59:19 PM

  21. It is not possible to be only sexually attracted to men and have a "healthy and robust" sex life with a woman. That just ain't the way human sexuality works.

    Posted by: andrew | Jun 10, 2012 5:20:20 PM

  22. What bothers me about blogs like Josh's is the underlining ideology they push; that you should be UNAUTHENTIC to be okay.

    They claim it is not a sin to be gay but to "act out" on it is. What the hell does that mean?

    Let me put it this way so we can grasp the absurdity: Having brown skin is not a sin, but not changing it to white with skin bleaches to imitate the majority is.

    Make no mistake about it. His post is meant as propaganda to influence others to follow his "choice."

    We should be working to become more authentic, not to resign ourselves to what someone's ideology says is ideal for us to be. And we should fight every hideous agenda that demean our value as whole, valuable and authentic human beings.

    Posted by: truthteller | Jun 10, 2012 6:59:06 PM

  23. This, from his blog, says all I need to know to judge where Josh's agenda: "First and foremost, my clinical work as a therapist is taking me in the direction of helping clients who struggle to reconcile their sexual orientation with their religious beliefs."

    Still don't believe he's preaching religion based "conversion therapy?"

    Posted by: truthteller | Jun 10, 2012 7:05:44 PM

  24. different strokes for different folks

    Posted by: gomez | Jun 10, 2012 8:23:12 PM

  25. He sounds not only self-delusional and self-loathing, but like a total a-hole. "She chose to have a family in a way that is different than the ideal." What a rotten thing to say -- and it completely undermines his claim, "I don't actually think a family with non-biological members is counterfeit in any way."

    Just as telling: "If you are gay, you will have to choose to fill in the gaps somewhere." No, Josh -- YOU are the one choosing to "fill in the gaps somewhere." What a self-deceiving -- and homophobic -- tool.

    Finally, re "powerful chemicals of infatuation and obsession that usually bring a couple together ... dwindle dramatically after the first few years of marriage anyway": You know this how, Josh, if you've never been married to anyone you were sexually attracted to?

    Posted by: ConBab | Jun 10, 2012 9:39:49 PM

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