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Here's a Letter from a Dad Disowning His Gay Son


Reddit user RegBarc posted the disturbing missive, and writes:

In August of 2007, I finally built up the courage to tell my father I was gay. The moment I said it, the phone got quiet and he got off the phone after a few "Okay"s. I decided to give him time to process the news. About a week later, and not long before my birthday, I received the following letter:

"James: This is a difficult but necessary letter to write. I hope your telephone call was not to receive my blessing for the degrading of your lifestyle. I have fond memories of our times together, but that is all in the past. Don’t expect any further conversations With me. No communications at all. I will not come to visit, nor do I want you in my house. You’ve made your choice though Wrong it may be. God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle. If you choose not to attend my funeral, my friends and family will understand. Have a good birthday and good life. No present exchanges will be accepted. Goodbye, Dad."

It's important to know just what this zealotry from Bryan Fisher, Maggie Gallagher, Dan Cathy, et al., does to everyday people. I've never done drugs, was an excellent student, an obedient child (far less trouble than many of my classmates), didn't drink until I was 22 because it terrified me, and have had just 1 speeding ticket in my life. Yet I am still seemingly deserving of this terrible act of hate and cowardice that one person can place on another. 5 years on and I am still doing fine, though this letter saunters into my mind every once in a while. When it does, I say without hesitation: F**k you, Dad.

It's an all too familiar situation for many LGBT kids out there.

He's right. The Dan Cathys of the world are giving tacit permission to parents to act this way. Shame on them.

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  1. I would be tempted to change my last name.

    Posted by: Watcher | Aug 7, 2012 10:49:13 AM

  2. Unfortunately, I've seen a couple of far uglier letters disowned gay sons have received from a parent. Tragic and unnecessary.

    Posted by: Zinc Alloy | Aug 7, 2012 10:52:56 AM

  3. this is so heartbreaking...

    Posted by: BK | Aug 7, 2012 10:55:17 AM

  4. James,

    Know one thing for sure, your father never LOVED YOU!

    You were always an appendage to his narcissistic personality and self-important ego. So you really have lost nothing, but gained the most important thing in like, THE TRUTH.

    He, however, has lost something very valuable: The Love of a Good Son!

    Be comforted than you are over-and-done with an individual who never loved and is not worth your time and space.

    Move on James, the WORLD IS YOUR OYSTER!

    Posted by: BRAINS | Aug 7, 2012 10:58:01 AM

  5. Oh....and James,

    You should respond to his letter...

    With the promise that you would not lower yourself to be at his funeral, but however you will be at his grave side the next day to PISS ON HIS GRAVE!

    Posted by: BRAINS | Aug 7, 2012 11:02:21 AM

  6. Further proof that just because straight people can have children, does not mean most of them should have children.

    Posted by: Blake | Aug 7, 2012 11:03:14 AM

  7. This is utter failure as a parent.

    If James had any questions as to his dad's love before he wrote this letter, it should now be completely clear: his father never loved him, not he is or was. If this guy had a kid on purpose at all, it was to fulfill his own ego. It was never about the child, it was about himself.

    You would do best to delete him completely from your life. "Christian love" indeed.

    Posted by: Elias Barton | Aug 7, 2012 11:10:40 AM

  8. 1 out of 4 kids who come out to their parents are thrown out on the streets, that is the statistics people. I work with kids at a youth shelter every week, the damage caused by homophobia is life long.

    Posted by: BryceAgeno | Aug 7, 2012 11:11:53 AM

  9. What a horribly miserable and pitiful excuse for a father. A wretched man indeed. I'm sure he will inherit great suffering because of his stupid ignorance and lack of compassion.

    Posted by: cyberdharma | Aug 7, 2012 11:15:38 AM

  10. "God did not intend for this unnatural lifestyle"

    I really am amazed that people "know" the mind of God (if he really exists). From what I understand, the proclamations against 'mankind sleeping with mankind' are from heterosexual, primitive, crazy Middle Easterners. This guy's God is a tool to further his bigotry and, like a true sissy, to hide behind while throwing invectives at "the fruit of his loins". These people don't know love--it's mechanical and abstract to them. The father is an adult, who relies on Alpha bigots to tell him how to think, instead of thinking for himself.

    Posted by: woodroad34 | Aug 7, 2012 11:18:43 AM

  11. Jesus, just abandon a son automatically like that for being something that he didnt choose for himself?! He will be alright and son, move on because God has bigger things for you and itgetsbetter :)

    Posted by: Khalil | Aug 7, 2012 11:22:38 AM

  12. I read this a couple of times and I keep having the same two reactions. I am proud of James for choosing (and it is a hard choice to make) to live his life openly and honestly. I made the same choice and James should know that we all stand together with him. He is not alone. The second reaction is one of sadness for his father. I wonder what his reaction will be when he's on his deathbed and it's too late to change the past that he is now creating. Yes, it happens all the time and yes the haters out there cause this (NOM, etc.), but at the end of the day, it's one man who held on to the wrong values and kicked his own flesh and blood out of his life. It's dreadful. I hope James can forgive his father.

    Posted by: NiceRedHead | Aug 7, 2012 11:23:38 AM

  13. When I was first coming out, I met a man who was an only child. He told me that when he came out to his parents, they literally disowned him and told people they had no children. They apparently thought they could erase all memories of him like a child could erase and wash clean a school blackboard.

    It's the fear of how parents might react that causes so many LGBT people to hesitate telling their parents who they really are.

    Posted by: john patrick | Aug 7, 2012 11:24:00 AM

  14. When I came out to my parents, they disowned me as well. It took my mother longer than my father to come around. She met my partner just after we'd celebrated our 20th anniversary. I had her back in my life for a few years and then, sadly, she passed away last January. I always feared that she would die without any resolution. Thankfully that wasn't the case. Best of luck to you James!

    Posted by: Gigi | Aug 7, 2012 11:25:07 AM

  15. I am proud that my partner posted this letter. He is doing well, but when he received the letter it really hurt him.

    The rest of the family are fine with him being gay, as well as, him being with another man.

    Posted by: wondermann | Aug 7, 2012 11:27:21 AM

  16. Fear of the unknown or Fear of perceived feelings of Homosexual traits in the father, are manifesting themselves here big time... The Dad needs HELP...

    Posted by: Bobel | Aug 7, 2012 11:28:35 AM

  17. Stories like this highlight two things:

    Anti-gay people feel guilty by association when it comes to gay people, especially in regards to their children/family members. They think of being gay as an affront on God, traditional human and American values, an affront on society, an affront to them as heterosexuals. They also resent the fact people are openly gay. Like, how dare we not only choose to be gay but parade around and "flaunt it" as if you're doing no wrong, we must have some nerve, how selfish, attention-seeking and arrogant can we be. They see us as a disease that spreads if they don't put it in check. That is why we see people behave so aggressively and outspokenly anti-gay. We saw that during the CFA debate how the social cons all banded together against our community.

    It also shows that these people hate homosexuality more than they love the children they want to protect so much, they hate homosexuality more than they believe in their own moral principles. No-one should ever take for granted the true amount of resentment and hate these people have for us. As David says, this is truly what we're up against. And it's legitimately scary because we really don't know how far these people will go with their irrational hate. We have to be on guard and aware of what we're dealing with.

    Posted by: Francis | Aug 7, 2012 11:30:21 AM

  18. That's the kind of disgust that religion brings.

    Posted by: Monrob | Aug 7, 2012 11:32:18 AM

  19. Given the reality of being disowned (if you have rich parents I suppose that term is meaningful) by parents, it becomes incumbent on Gay folks to choose family members. Make meaningful relationships with people that will be there when you are 75, not just while you are young and pretty. All too often we see the "bitter old queen" that at one time in life was the "sexy young thing". The people that gave birth to use might not really be our "family".

    Posted by: Sargon Bighorn | Aug 7, 2012 11:37:05 AM

  20. My Dad just got a LOT cooler.

    Posted by: Jacquejs Rosas | Aug 7, 2012 11:37:10 AM

  21. wow - what an awful father.....so glad my WW2 generation parents were liberal....and Loved all of us 8 kids Equally - me and my Lesbian sister.....I couldn't have asked for Better parents....I miss them...dad gone 2yrs,mom gone 6yrs...

    Posted by: Disgusted American | Aug 7, 2012 11:37:56 AM

  22. 2012-The Summer of Hate.

    Posted by: Jacquejs Rosas | Aug 7, 2012 11:37:58 AM


    Posted by: Jacquejs Rosas | Aug 7, 2012 11:38:19 AM


    Posted by: Jacquejs Rosas | Aug 7, 2012 11:38:20 AM

  25. "Unfortunately, I've seen a couple of far uglier letters disowned gay sons have received from a parent. Tragic and unnecessary. Posted by: Zinc Alloy"

    For me the fact that it was said without hurling more ugly words makes it even more sad & heartbreaking.

    Posted by: mia | Aug 7, 2012 11:45:11 AM

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