Matthew Dempsey | News

Why are Gay Men So Judgmental Toward One Another? - VIDEO


Psychotherapist Matthew Dempsey takes a look at the issue in a new video.


If you liked this clip, I posted one earlier this year featuring Dempsey discussing the need for validation.

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  1. This is based on a false premise. Gay men are no more judgmental (and probably much less so) than heterosexual people or gay women.

    Posted by: DB | Sep 12, 2012 1:28:05 PM

  2. oh , and once again (as usual) we have the delusional "i hate fems!" complaints from *drumroll please* cowardly closeted gay men who don't yet have the balls to live an Out existence.

    and what does that show? that they're still living every day in fear, looking over their shoulder worrying what The Straights are thinking about them.

    what a sad and paranoid way to waste your life.

    confident gay men who lead openly-gay lives and no longer worry about people "knowing that they're gay" don't spend any time worrying about such things. why? because when you know who you are you don't give a flying f**k about what some plebeian dunce thinks.

    take a lesson from the fems you loathe - learn to not care.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 1:35:44 PM

  3. I was lucky in that I figured out quickly I really don't have much in common with gay men, per se, other than the gender I like to have sex with. Period.

    Posted by: Bill W | Sep 12, 2012 1:53:04 PM

  4. @Mike

    "What is he selling?"


    Posted by: stevielee | Sep 12, 2012 1:57:01 PM

  5. how is that lucky? gay men who believe that they have "not much in common with gay men" are ...well....where i was when i was about 23 years old.

    and where is that? simple - a place where you blame everyone else for your own inability to find people to connect with.

    the problem is not "other gay guys" - the problem is always how you feel about them, or how you let them make you feel about yourself.

    it makes no sense to be a gay man doesn't relate to, or is unable to connect with, other gay males. that's entirely what happens when one hasn't checked their own gay baggage yet.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 1:58:09 PM

  6. As usual there is something to what Rick has to say. Looking at it closely many of us do regard ourselves as less of a man than that pleasant, casual straight dude you see everywhere who is comfortable with himself and unutterably knows that he belongs.

    But attaching yourself to prominent women because of it doesn't compute for me. Without too much effort I'd much rather be as much like that straight dude as possible - a regular guy (sort of) with my own ardent take on a remarkable world as I invent my own way through it.

    Posted by: UFFDA | Sep 12, 2012 2:04:34 PM

  7. Great video, but the odd thing is to suddenly see, at 3:37, my partner Russ and I pop up onscreen! Photo "borrowed" from Facebook, I guess!

    Posted by: Kergan Edwards-Stout | Sep 12, 2012 2:04:42 PM

  8. do any of you remember highschool?

    remember how all the "good looking" straight guys banded together? and they all sorta looked like versions of each other?
    remember how the straight girl cliques were pretty much the same?

    whenever i hear gay men complain about how "shallow gay men are" it makes me think that they've spent wayyyyy too long being just as shallow as the people they deride, and have been "staring at prototypical hotties" without picking up on what's actually going on....

    there comes a point in life where you have to choose to leave the 'high school cafeteria' mentality behind and bond with people over something more meaningful than base aesthetics - and that doesn't just apply to those who may fit into what would be called the "shiny happy people" - it goes for those who feel like they're on the outside looking in, who can't stop looking in.

    turn around bright eyes, the party isn't where you think it is. it's actually outside. embrace it.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 2:08:58 PM

  9. I think a lot of this "gay people are so judgmental" is from heterosexuals turning what they are around on gay people. If you noticed recently heterosexuals have labeled gay people bullies after the "It gets better" and anti-bullying campaigns began two years ago.

    Posted by: Bill | Sep 12, 2012 2:09:29 PM

  10. KIWI, you need to go back and watch the vids.

    They were meant for you, too.

    You protest and deride anyone with an opinion or perspective that differs from yours with such vapidity and vitrol - did it ever occur to you for a moment that your life in Canada is entirely irrelevant to most gay men that life in the US ?

    You never make an attempt to KNOW anything about the people who's comments you dismiss and make generalizations about.

    It's all about you, all the time.

    Grow up, you pathetic little Canadian media whore.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi'sPeePee | Sep 12, 2012 2:09:42 PM

  11. feel free to put a face and name to your comments you anonymous wuss :D

    there are certain things that confident openly-gay people understand, and certain lies and b.s. we're attuned to - because they're lies and b.s. that we once told when we were in that stunted part of our lives.

    then we grew past it. i've been where you are, you've not yet been where i (and others) are today.

    but feel free to put a face and name and personalize your comments to better give an understanding of where you're coming from.

    unless you're coming from the anonymous internet closet in which case feel free to rant about me. if doing so keeps you from offing yourself, then that's great. glad i can be of use to you. but it won't get you a date, nor will it actually make your life better. nor will it have any impact on my life. which is pretty freakin' rad.

    wanna enjoy being a gay man? stop worrying about what others think.

    take a lesson from those of us who don't resent being gay and whose lives aren't full of miserable complaints about how awful being gay is. we're onto something. feel free to notice it.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 2:18:50 PM

  12. It's easy and convenient to outright dismiss other people's experiences and attribute something malignant and defective to their perspective.

    Easier than actually making an effort to INCLUDE them.

    Gender emulation hasn't much to do with being gay; and anyone that rabidly defends one emulation over another as some sort of prerequisite for acceptance AS a gay man, well, they MAY have issues. But that really isn't for anyone here to opine as a generalization. I think we've all had enough of THAT.

    So give it a rest. Dictating how and who someone identifies with an emulates based just on their sexuality - don't you see how homophobic THAT is ?

    Some guys find more things in women they've met they want to emulate. Some find more things in men. Some of these role models are straight, some are gay.

    Maybe it's time to face the facts - our sexuality is not as unifying a thing as some are assuming, you can't make so many assumptions - because almost all of them are just plain wrong.

    Posted by: "The Gay" | Sep 12, 2012 2:23:27 PM

  13. Wow, Kiwi... What's up with all the raging about anonymity ?

    Your written opinions aren't any more or less valid than anyone else's, just because you have a blog and pics of your pretty face up on the net.

    Some of your comments, I wonder if you're really so "secure"; to me you come across as really unpleasant to be around.

    Posted by: Bill | Sep 12, 2012 2:29:51 PM

  14. simple, Bill. when it comes to criticisms of "being gay", you're going to get the most criticisms from those who (frankly) don't know what they're talking about.

    you can't enjoy being gay if you're still insecure about being gay.

    the more one tells themselves that "they're not like other gay people" or they "don't relate to other gay men" the more they manifest that disconnect. confirmation bias, honey.

    it's like gay guys that complain about their inability to find a guy to have a relationship with when they're not yet comfortable enough in their lives to have anyone and everyone know that they're gay. you can't see the good that's all around you when you're still looking nervously over your shoulders every day.

    and you can't bond and connect with other gay people if you keep telling yourself that you're different from them.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 2:36:26 PM

  15. I'm sorry if this is offensive to some, but much of what Dempsey says is psycho-babble cr*p. Are gay men judgmental? Of course! Everybody judges things and people all the time. You'd be a fool not to. Are some gay males snobs, arrogant, egotistical, etc.? Yes! This is true of males and females in society as a whole. But, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I automatically walk in lock step with all gays or with some things that some gay 'advocates' advocate.

    Posted by: ratbastard | Sep 12, 2012 2:40:24 PM

  16. no, some gay men choose instead to walk in lockstep with what the bigots of society think and advocate.

    and good luck with that :D

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 2:46:27 PM

  17. I would agree that many gay males instinctively judge other gay males sexually and if they don't measure up, they are cool towards them, even nasty. Male/male friendships between gay males are somewhat similar to male/female friendships between heterosexuals. That 800lb gorilla, sex, is always in the background.

    Posted by: ratbastard | Sep 12, 2012 2:50:01 PM

  18. A psychotherapist psychobabbles. But the guitar playing in the background was nice. (Was that too judgmental?)

    Posted by: i could go on, but I won't | Sep 12, 2012 2:52:26 PM

  19. Straight people don't demand the level of conformity people here are demanding of gay people. It's OK for a straight person to say "I don't have much in common with most straight people". But when a gay person says it, it's an indication of some sort of defect ?

    I think most gay people are afraid of how diverse we really are.

    Posted by: NVTodd | Sep 12, 2012 3:03:50 PM

  20. As usual, JASON finds a way to attempt to justify his own reprehensible behavior.

    Posted by: Marc C | Sep 12, 2012 3:04:24 PM

  21. i've never met a straight person who felt that they "don't have anything in common with other straight people" - mainly because there's no pressure in being straight or having a "Straight Identity."

    it's an entirely different set of circumstances.

    when a gay man insists he has nothing in common with other gay men he's only showing everyone his own insecurities about being gay, having a gay identity, and how he's still basing his ideas of what and who Gay People Are on the ideas perpetuated by the Straight People in his life.

    it's no way to live. we are indeed as diverse as every other community and demographic. step out of the closets and socialized in a setting other than a bar and you'll experience it.

    Posted by: LittleKiwi | Sep 12, 2012 3:11:51 PM

  22. So what scientific study is this based on and how many people were involved in the study? Probably none. Lame.

    Posted by: Chaka | Sep 12, 2012 3:12:42 PM

  23. I love how Bob's comment basically proves the point of the psychotherapist with his judgement of most of the gay community in West Hollywood. Thank you for the LOL.

    Posted by: Ian | Sep 12, 2012 3:15:15 PM

  24. Unfortunately, I've seen this stereotype over the years.The non-stereotypical gay men will be quietly understanding of others while the stereotypical types love to loudly relish in the misfortunes of "fags" also stating that all their very best friends are straight women while being puzzled as to why they can never get a boyfriend.

    In recent years the most judgmental behavior I've witnessed is among straight women in the workplace. They're all kissy-face, huggy poo to each others faces, but once they'd think they were out of ear shot they'd become the most rancid and vicious character assassins over some minor office political issue. Yipes!

    Posted by: RC | Sep 12, 2012 3:16:33 PM

  25. I judge other gay guys when it's obvious they're on meth, don't have a job, are lying to me, or come across as lecherous, after I've told them I'm married.

    That covers about 90% of the gay guys I've met where I live now over the last 3 years.

    So anyone that tells me *I* have the problem can go f*ck themselves.

    Posted by: RenoJake | Sep 12, 2012 3:24:09 PM

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