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Jon Stewart Looks at the Selection of Candidates for New Pope, Suggests Bill O'Reilly: VIDEO

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A "grope" of cardinals is gathering in the Vatican for a "molestation" until they reach a "fellatio" announced by white smoke rising from the chimney. The question is, will Bill O'Reilly accept a demotion?

Watch, AFTER THE JUMP...

In related news, the Guardian reports on the fault lines over certain issues that are emerging as the cardinals gather to vote:

Take Cardinal Manuel Monteiro de Castro of Portugal and Cardinal Juan Sandoval Iñiguez of Mexico. In 2004, while papal envoy to Spain, Monteiro de Castro appeared to hint that the church should acknowledge homosexual partnerships as well as heterosexual ones. Although most countries defined marriage as the union of one man and one woman, he said: "There are other forms of cohabitation and it is good that they be recognised."

Sandoval has taken the other side. Three years ago he described same-sex unions as an "aberration" and was equally blunt on the subject of gay people adopting children, asking: "Would you want to be adopted by a pair of faggots or lesbians?" His other betes noires include at least one other Christian denomination, "you've got to be shameless to be a Protestant", and women who he believes fail to dress and behave correctly: "Women shouldn't go around being so provocative – that's why so many get raped."

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Comments

  1. Oh, John Stewart. I will miss you. Hurry back.

    Posted by: Chadd | Mar 8, 2013 12:14:06 PM


  2. The Cardinals... what a charming bunch of assholes.

    Posted by: Strepsi | Mar 8, 2013 12:30:42 PM


  3. It seems likely the next pope will be from either France or Spain, possibly Switzerland.

    Posted by: anon | Mar 8, 2013 1:18:41 PM


  4. Billy-O is superbly qualified. Not only does he consider himself infallible, he also likes to pontificate, talks a lot of bull(s) and considers women subordinate. Furthermore, he considers fiction truth, demands absolute devotion and frequently talks in tongues.

    Glenn Beck may be equally qualified but I think Bill's Irish heritage and operatic grandezza should easily win out in the Vatican.

    habemus papam!

    Posted by: hugo | Mar 8, 2013 1:43:19 PM


  5. Jon & Co. make me laugh til milk comes out my nose yet again!

    Posted by: ACe | Mar 8, 2013 2:57:38 PM


  6. Other than what color shoes the new Pope is going to wear under his skirt, who cares who the next head Bigot is going to be?

    Posted by: Jerry6 | Mar 9, 2013 10:07:49 PM


  7. Does ANYONE really care who the next Head Bigot is going to be? (Other than the Head Bigot Candidates?) Considering how many surveys show that the number of "God" believers keeps dropping, the question is "When will the auction of the Vatican stolen treasures be held?

    Posted by: Jerry6 | Mar 9, 2013 10:42:10 PM


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