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Movies: How Do You Like Your Hercules?


Hercules
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson and Kellan Lutz will both play Hercules

BY NATHANIEL ROGERS 

In lieu of a review -- this weekend is all about the return of the now twenty-year-old Jurassic Park (in 3D) anyway -- how about some hyper-masculine movie news? 

Have you heard that there are not one but two HERCULES movies in the works? If it's not quite true that Hollywood is always out of ideas, it is definitely true that Hollywood only likes a few of them at a tine. Was it the success of brawny god/superhero Thor (2010) that convinced them? Was it TV's fleshy Spartacus? Whatever it was, Hollywood would like you to pay to see two sandle-clad Pec-tacular heroes next year. Unfortunately not in the same film so The Rock and The Lutz won't be wrestling around in the sand together in tiny skirts but each headlining their own Hercules pictures. 

MORE, plus some movie news AFTER THE JUMP...

The Rock will play the demi-god in Hercules: The Thracian Wars by terrible director Brett Ratner (who recently won a prize from GLAAD for deciding not to be a homophobe anymore. *gag* How about we give prizes to people who are our champions instead? Enough with the grovelling!). The Rock gives good fun screen presence but that title makes it seem like one of those dreadfully serious action films for whom fun is Kryptonite. Meanwhile Kellan Lutz, who has as of yet never exhibited anything like The Rock's screen charisma, will star in Hercules 3D for director Renny Harlin whose career has seen better days but he's capable of a certain over-the-top campiness that might better suit the material (Have you ever seen The Long Kiss Goodnight? Geena Davis sharp shoots while ice skating!)

I prefer my action heroes more slim but Hollywood never has. They're still looking for the Heir to Schwarzenegger & Stallone and the other cartoon-muscled giants of the 1980s. The search has never quite paid off since the hyper-manly hero has been replaced by the Traditional Superhero in the public imagination. Now, even if you have a sickening body like, say, Ryan Reynolds they still feel the need to replace it with fake looking CGI muscles (the worst of Green Lantern's many sins).

Hercules-four

Where was I? Yes, Herculean Strength. Who is your dream demi-god? 1950s Hercules Beefcake Steve Reeves, the Disney Hero who went the distance (drawn by David Kawena), Kellan Lutz, or The Rock?

BONUS SCENES

Siskel-ebert-thumbs  roadSpeaking of superheroes... artist Kevin Wada gives the X-Men ladies fashion makeovers.

 roadThere's a real argument to be made they Roger Ebert and Gene Siskel were the proto movie-bloggers. I'm not religious but I like to think that Siskel and Ebert can now share a cloud in heaven and bicker about the aesthetics of the Pearly Gates. I was devastated a dozen or so years ago when Siskel died and Ebert, too, shall be greatly missed. RIP.

 roadDid you catch the series premiere of Hannibal, yet another variation on the endlessly troublingly popular serial killer genre? This review is spot-on.

 roadAnd speaking of horror remakes, here's the new Carrie trailer starring Chloe Moretz and the great Julianne Moore (whose greatness does not generally involve the choosing of projects). They're all gonna laugh at it; there is just no replacing Sissy Spacek and her dirty pillows!

 roadHere's a fun variation on "character posters" that ubiquitous marketing trend for genre pictures (and even regular dramas like The Great Gatsby). Snowpiercer, a new sci-fi drama from the great Korean director Bong Joon-ho has released passports for all of its main characters

Nathaniel Rogers would live in the movie theater but for the poor internet reception. He blogs daily at the Film Experience. Follow him on Twitter @nathanielr.

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Comments

  1. Jake: Bravo, you can't tell more crap in less words

    Posted by: jjose712 | Apr 7, 2013 8:26:08 AM


  2. A Hercules with designer tats is ridiculous.

    Posted by: Douglas | Apr 7, 2013 8:57:00 AM


  3. Wow! Most of these comments are insane. I will show myself out now.

    Posted by: AJ | Apr 7, 2013 9:09:14 AM


  4. Kellan.......

    Posted by: Rob West | Apr 7, 2013 9:23:20 AM


  5. Carrie: No, both Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie became iconic in those roles, but I still like to see material revisited and interpreted. So I'm looking forward to the new Carrie. But, I have to question the casting of someone as pretty as Moretz for the role of Carrie. Do girls that slim and pretty get picked on to the extent Carrie was? Spacek was nice-looking, but she had a peculiar look which worked. In this clip Moretz doesn't look very troubled, just generically pretty.

    Posted by: Dastius Krazitauc | Apr 7, 2013 9:35:21 AM


  6. neither. they are too old.

    well, they can perform the part but they won't be Hercules.

    Posted by: bobeau | Apr 7, 2013 10:04:03 AM


  7. "...the endlessly troublingly popular serial killer genre..."
    I liked Hall because of his gay character in 6F Under, but when I saw those damn blood splattered ads of that damn Showtime(which had pissed me off with that appallingly racist Queer As F%$k, covering city buses, I was totally turned off of that slasher series altogether!)
    Then, there's Hall blathering about how playing a serial killer is much better than having to kiss a fellow male actor!

    Posted by: iban4yesu | Apr 7, 2013 11:40:39 AM


  8. They should have gone with Joe!

    Posted by: Alan Brickman | Apr 7, 2013 11:48:40 AM


  9. oliver jackson-cohen

    Posted by: my2cents | Apr 7, 2013 11:58:49 AM


  10. "I go with Kellan. Not because Duane is black, but because he's old...and he'd look weird with hair."

    Suit yourself. Some men are like wine, blah, blah, blah.... By the way, it's Dwayne! (We have a well known gay African American photographer in San Francisco, DUANE Cramer, tho' : http://i1056.photobucket.com/albums/t363/soapsnstuds/JULY1820120055.jpg )

    They'll probably have to cover up those fab tattoos, so I totally volunteer to rub the concealer on them, with the uttermost loving care! LOL

    Posted by: iban4yesu | Apr 7, 2013 12:00:02 PM


  11. Sorry, but Lou Ferrigno will always be the definitive movie Hercules to me.

    The best Hercules of all is the hot, bearded bisexual version by Marvel Comics. Book it, done.

    Posted by: Firestorm | Apr 7, 2013 1:07:11 PM


  12. V 8 - I have no idea how Dewayne identifies. He's as much black as he is anything else, is he not?

    Posted by: Hagatha | Apr 7, 2013 1:16:37 PM


  13. Polyboy - Your lack of interest or observation on this issue it not a measure of my sensibility. Recently there were complaints that Ben Afflect played Tony Mendez (who today looks more like an Eastern European professor than a Mexican CIA agent). Then there were the complaints that Satan was cast as black and/or arab. People complain that gay roles are played by straight actors and presumably someone is upset that straight roles are played by gay actors. It's not unreasonable that someone might expect the complainers to be consistent in objecting to Hercules being played by a hybrid Negro and/or Asian Pacific Islander.

    Posted by: Hagatha | Apr 7, 2013 1:25:59 PM


  14. Yeah the casting of the Rock makes no sense.

    Posted by: Jay | Apr 7, 2013 1:37:08 PM


  15. jjose717: The hose takes time for a compliment. English must be his second language.

    Posted by: Jake | Apr 7, 2013 1:53:10 PM


  16. Taylor: This is what happened when they added too many letters in.

    Posted by: Jake | Apr 7, 2013 2:00:42 PM


  17. Watching the Rock act is like, well, watching a rock act.

    Posted by: CVP | Apr 7, 2013 2:23:55 PM


  18. So... David Hearne = Hagatha?
    You should manage your sock puppets better.

    Your so called sensibilities lack significant nuance, giving the impression that your sweeping generalization is actually insightful.

    The problem with the "Bible" was that Satan could double for the sitting President of the United States. It was a problem when cast of GWB's head was used in Game of Thrones, and it's a problem now. Except now, no one got actually fired.

    No movie sourced on Greek myth in recent memory has used anyone who looks vaguely Greek: Immortals, Clash of the Titans, Wrath of the Titans, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief... etc.

    So your concern trolling smacks of the usual mix stupidity and baiting that seems to invade on weekends.

    Posted by: Polyboy | Apr 7, 2013 2:29:41 PM


  19. V-8,

    Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson is African-American and Samoan. His dad is black and his mom is Samoan.

    Posted by: Jerz | Apr 7, 2013 2:55:32 PM


  20. The rock is big, dumb and republican. FAIL

    http://www.bet.com/news/features/vote-2012/news/politics/photos/2012/09/15-black-celebrities-with-republican-ties.html#!042612-celebs-cake-dwayne-johnson

    Posted by: ggreen | Apr 7, 2013 3:10:58 PM


  21. Polyboy - Hagatha and David Hearne are not socks. Hagatha is my name on one computer and David Hearne is my name on the other.

    So you think that the actor shouldn't have gotten the part because of his ethnicity and resemblance to Obama? I'm sure he appreciates that.

    As for whether actors who have played Hercules "look Greek" , Alexander had light hair and blue eyes.

    Posted by: Hagatha | Apr 7, 2013 3:57:23 PM


  22. ggreen: Do all your sexual fantasies have to be Democrats?

    Posted by: Jake | Apr 7, 2013 4:03:09 PM


  23. As to the Rock's ethnicity, he is Samoan and African-Canadian (according to Wikipedia if I remember correctly), LOL...

    Posted by: MuscleModelBlog.com | Apr 7, 2013 6:17:27 PM


  24. well, for starters, there should be SOME body hair!

    Posted by: John | Apr 7, 2013 7:14:54 PM


  25. Doesn't matter. The Rock is a far better actor than Lutz, which actually isn't saying much, but either way both movies are going to suck. That's pretty obvious considering these are the choices we have here.

    Posted by: Bravo | Apr 7, 2013 7:15:34 PM


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