What’s got more sparkle than a RuPaul’s Drag Race runway, more bitter rivalries than Feud: Bette and Joan and more man-on-man action than a SeanCody.com casting couch? Professional wrestling.
Hear me out: It’s easy to dismiss professional wrestling as a lot of misogynist, homophobic redneck trash, and for a while that was mostly true. But, the McMahon family’s gross ties to the Trump administration aside, the world of professional wrestling has undergone a bit of a renaissance, and it’s attracting a bit more of an enlightened viewership.
It’s partly driven by how the product has changed. It’s more “family friendly,” it’s left behind the controversial (and often offensive) storylines that defined the ‘90s and early aughts and it’s embraced a more socially-conscious conscience, albeit on pretty safe issues like supporting breast cancer survivors and anti-bullying. They even dramatically revamped their women’s division with such care and respect, even feminist websites like Jezebel are singing their praises.
But you’re not here for me to extoll the cultural cachet of today’s pro-wrestling product: You’re here because pro-wrestling is basically gay porn marketed to children. So even if there’s no way you’re tuning in to WrestleMania this Sunday on the WWE Network, you deserve to take a break to ogle some ripped dudes rolling around in their underwear and not take it too seriously.
Here are 20 WWE superstars we’d be happy to be pinned underneath any time:
Cesaro
The Miz
Sami Zayn
Chris Jericho
The Ayatollah of Rock N Rolla can slay a stage fronting his metal band FOZZY, or rock a dadbod.
Zack Ryder
Xavier Woods
AJ Styles
Darren Young
Mojo Rawley
Jason Jordan
Goldberg
Apollo Crews
Rusev
Dean Ambrose
This bad boy falls squarely into the category of Guys You Could Bring Home To Your Parents If They Got a Haircut and Put On a Decent Shirt.
The Rock
John Cena
Seth Rollins
Roman Reigns
Finn Balor
Randy Orton
Which of these guys would you want to have a hardcore match with most?
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