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Ted Haggard: Now "Completely Heterosexual"

This just in from the Denver Post. Ted Haggard is not gay!

Haggard_1Haggard, who is apparently ready to jet off to Iowa or Missouri to become a psychologist, told a four-member oversight board that after three weeks of intense counseling he is now "completely heterosexual" and that "his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser" according to one of the pastors on that board.

Amazing. And James Dobson said it would take 4 or 5 years!

Haggard breezed through his therapy almost faster than Isaiah Washington. These guys are fast.

Said the pastor overseeing Haggard's progress: "He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. If we're going to be proved wrong (about Haggard only having contact with Mike Jones), somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We're into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn't happened. Nobody is saying he can't go back into ministry. Somewhere down the road, that could very well happen, and that would be wonderful."

Over the weekend, Haggard sent an email to members of his New Life church announcing that he was leaving Colorado Springs and intended to settle in Missouri or Iowa and pursue an online degree in psychology.

You may have missed...
"Paralyzed by Shame", Ted Haggard is Leaving Colorado Springs [tr]
Gay Escort Mike Jones Visits Ted Haggard's New Life Church [tr]
James Dobson: Ted Haggard Gay Cure Could Take "4 or 5 Years" [tr]
Ted Haggard Fall-out Continues; Jesus Camp Shut [tr]

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  1. I give it a month for the private detectives (yes, plural) snap his ankles flying high in the back seat of some car, bush, or pew.

    Posted by: rob adams | Feb 6, 2007 9:29:57 AM

  2. Ha ha ha. Haha. Ha. Is this shit for real? Did someone cure his gay with magic? I'd be pretty shocked if anyone, even the far right, buys this.

    Posted by: burnssuit | Feb 6, 2007 9:33:29 AM

  3. Allow me to laugh. So fast? The fundie wingnuts are so delusional it's sad. And tho think that the ex-gay ministries charge their victims thousands of dollars for years on end to 'rid them' of their craving for c*ck. Oh, please!

    Posted by: xavier | Feb 6, 2007 9:36:35 AM

  4. What can you possible say about this.
    These guys should have been used car or insurance salesman.
    But that would be an insult to used car and insurance salesman.
    Are they completely dillusional or are they just looking at the "return of the prodigal son "as being a great cash cow.
    Now the rest of the right wing bible pounding wingnuts are going to point to this wack job as proof that homosexuality can be "curred".
    And in record time no less.
    It would be funny if it were'nt so sad.

    Posted by: griffin1573 | Feb 6, 2007 9:37:02 AM

  5. This story would be funny if it weren't so sad and bizarre. He has done so much harm to countless gay kids who soaked in his lessons about the evils of homosexuality, not realizing that he was just projecting his own self-loathing. Now, he's setting himself up as an ex-gay poster boy, living the lie that homos become straight. He'll be caught again with another man, it's inevitable. In the meantime, I hope he sinks into oblivion quickly so that the damage he does can at least be contained.

    Posted by: sam | Feb 6, 2007 9:40:43 AM

  6. I'm gonna ask my straight friends whether they'd still consider themselves straight if they had willingly taken it up the a$$ from another guy.

    Posted by: Steve | Feb 6, 2007 9:48:26 AM

  7. I went back and read the Denver Post article. I don't think they're saying he's suddenly straight after 3 weeks, these deluded people are saying that he was never gay to begin with. He's not gay, he's just a sex addict who was acting out! Whew! Glad that's over.

    I've heard that one before when right-wingers are caught with guys. They can't admit he was ever gay because they believe that there's no such thing as gay or homosexual, only sinful behavor. They don't explain why he only "acted out" with a man and never a woman, mind you, but it's not like these people ever question things too closely.

    Posted by: sam | Feb 6, 2007 9:49:04 AM

  8. Completely hetero! WOW!

    Whoever his "shrink" will wind up a billionaire bilking all these whackos trying to be "cured"!

    Posted by: dc20008 | Feb 6, 2007 9:51:01 AM

  9. Just curious, why the ongoing thing about I Washington and his slur, and nothing about Paris Hilton and her gay slur on this site, double standard or what? IW has nothing to do with Haggard and his miracle, unless he used a old, wore out hooker!

    Posted by: mark | Feb 6, 2007 9:58:26 AM

  10. I agree with you Mark. Why isn't there a comment about Paris Hilton's homo/racist slurs? Where was GLAAD or HRC on that one?

    As far as Haggard and Foley, I'm tired of hearing about them. They've been dethrowned. They have lost what power they had. We should leave them alone and not pay attention to them. Also, when did we start bashing gay men who were outed? Yeah what they did sucked, but where is our compassion for them. It is obviously hard to be at that age and to have to come to terms with your sexuality.

    Posted by: Matt | Feb 6, 2007 10:06:32 AM

  11. Honey if you believe that I have some real good real estate to sell you in Siberia. Oh yes.

    Posted by: just sayin' | Feb 6, 2007 10:15:34 AM

  12. Matt/Mark:

    GLAAD put out a release about Paris a couple of days ago:


    Posted by: David | Feb 6, 2007 10:17:04 AM

  13. The real test will be his upcoming vacation to Key West during Gay Spring Break. Pray for the poor bastard...

    Posted by: Rad | Feb 6, 2007 10:31:16 AM

  14. Ted Haggard: New! Improved! Less filling!

    Posted by: anon | Feb 6, 2007 10:48:57 AM

  15. What a repulsive human being. All these lies so that he can keep taking people's money. I'm glad he's "not gay" anymore.

    Posted by: Ridwah | Feb 6, 2007 10:51:45 AM

  16. Oh I'm gonna wash the gay right out of my brain/I'm gonna wash the gay right out of my brain...

    Posted by: FASTLAD | Feb 6, 2007 10:53:22 AM

  17. The sad part is that once he gets some half-assed unaccredited online "degree" he's going to start claiming that he's a psychologist so he KNOWS that the ex-gay movement is legit. The real doctors might as well start working on their press releases right now... they can put them in the file cabinet right behind the press release they're going to have to put out every time Tom Cruise declares psychiatry to be a pseudoscience.

    Posted by: michael | Feb 6, 2007 10:53:32 AM

  18. Thank God he's not gay.

    Posted by: A.J. | Feb 6, 2007 10:55:12 AM

  19. Reminds me of a beach housemate I had years ago. He kept saying he wasn't gay, just sharing a house with 9 other gay men. We used to say, "No, you're not gay. You just keep waking up with a dick in your mouth."

    Posted by: dcguy | Feb 6, 2007 10:59:42 AM

  20. Praise the LORD!!!! That was quick!

    Posted by: dave | Feb 6, 2007 11:02:28 AM


    Paris Hilton is, at present, a useless skinbag, famous for nothing other than ensheathing a penis in her vagina on the internet. I can tolerate looking at her for only several more seconds than I can tolerate looking at Little Lord Fauntleroy or Satan (G.W.B. & D.C.). Okay, that's enough thinking about all three of them for one day; better stop before I have an aneurysm.

    Posted by: JOE 2 | Feb 6, 2007 11:02:33 AM

  22. Oh you have GOT to be kidding. Poof!!! It's like magic! No more gay!

    Yah right. He'll be getting plowed by another well-built horse-hung hustler a day after he's let off his leash.

    Just enough, already. These people need to get a grip on reality.

    Posted by: atari_age | Feb 6, 2007 11:13:15 AM

  23. Reclosetization can be accomplished by some people in a very short period of time. The greater the financial incentives, the deeper the religious influence and the higher the profile of the subject, the shorter the period of time it takes for a gay man to recloset himself.

    There must be a mathematical equation somewhere that graphs these correlations scientifically.

    De-gaying and/or Re-heterosexualizing has absolutely NOTHING to do with it.

    Matt, bubba, do you EVER do research before you come here to comment?

    Posted by: Zeke | Feb 6, 2007 11:19:29 AM

  24. Um...why do you have to relocate to another state to pursue an "online" degree? They don't have wireless in Colorado?

    Posted by: Mike | Feb 6, 2007 12:07:10 PM

  25. I think he has the potential to make life difficult for many people who might and should live free of hatred and discrimination.

    Gore Vidal was recently quoted as lamenting that things are as bad as ever for gay people.

    God help us!

    Posted by: John | Feb 6, 2007 12:09:40 PM

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