Ted Haggard: Now “Completely Heterosexual”

This just in from the Denver Post. Ted Haggard is not gay!

Haggard_1Haggard, who is apparently ready to jet off to Iowa or Missouri to become a psychologist, told a four-member oversight board that after three weeks of intense counseling he is now “completely heterosexual” and that “his sexual contact with men was limited to his accuser” according to one of the pastors on that board.

Amazing. And James Dobson said it would take 4 or 5 years!

Haggard breezed through his therapy almost faster than Isaiah Washington. These guys are fast.

Said the pastor overseeing Haggard’s progress: “He is completely heterosexual. That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing. If we’re going to be proved wrong (about Haggard only having contact with Mike Jones), somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly. We’re into this thing over 90 days, and it hasn’t happened. Nobody is saying he can’t go back into ministry. Somewhere down the road, that could very well happen, and that would be wonderful.”

Over the weekend, Haggard sent an email to members of his New Life church announcing that he was leaving Colorado Springs and intended to settle in Missouri or Iowa and pursue an online degree in psychology.

You may have missed…
“Paralyzed by Shame”, Ted Haggard is Leaving Colorado Springs [tr]
Gay Escort Mike Jones Visits Ted Haggard’s New Life Church [tr]
James Dobson: Ted Haggard Gay Cure Could Take “4 or 5 Years” [tr]
Ted Haggard Fall-out Continues; Jesus Camp Shut [tr]

Comments

  1. rob adams says

    I give it a month for the private detectives (yes, plural) snap his ankles flying high in the back seat of some car, bush, or pew.

  2. burnssuit says

    Ha ha ha. Haha. Ha. Is this shit for real? Did someone cure his gay with magic? I’d be pretty shocked if anyone, even the far right, buys this.

  3. xavier says

    Allow me to laugh. So fast? The fundie wingnuts are so delusional it’s sad. And tho think that the ex-gay ministries charge their victims thousands of dollars for years on end to ‘rid them’ of their craving for c*ck. Oh, please!

  4. griffin1573 says

    What can you possible say about this.
    These guys should have been used car or insurance salesman.
    But that would be an insult to used car and insurance salesman.
    Are they completely dillusional or are they just looking at the “return of the prodigal son “as being a great cash cow.
    Now the rest of the right wing bible pounding wingnuts are going to point to this wack job as proof that homosexuality can be “curred”.
    And in record time no less.
    It would be funny if it were’nt so sad.

  5. sam says

    This story would be funny if it weren’t so sad and bizarre. He has done so much harm to countless gay kids who soaked in his lessons about the evils of homosexuality, not realizing that he was just projecting his own self-loathing. Now, he’s setting himself up as an ex-gay poster boy, living the lie that homos become straight. He’ll be caught again with another man, it’s inevitable. In the meantime, I hope he sinks into oblivion quickly so that the damage he does can at least be contained.

  6. Steve says

    I’m gonna ask my straight friends whether they’d still consider themselves straight if they had willingly taken it up the a$$ from another guy.

  7. sam says

    I went back and read the Denver Post article. I don’t think they’re saying he’s suddenly straight after 3 weeks, these deluded people are saying that he was never gay to begin with. He’s not gay, he’s just a sex addict who was acting out! Whew! Glad that’s over.

    I’ve heard that one before when right-wingers are caught with guys. They can’t admit he was ever gay because they believe that there’s no such thing as gay or homosexual, only sinful behavor. They don’t explain why he only “acted out” with a man and never a woman, mind you, but it’s not like these people ever question things too closely.

  8. dc20008 says

    Completely hetero! WOW!

    Whoever his “shrink” will wind up a billionaire bilking all these whackos trying to be “cured”!

  9. mark says

    Just curious, why the ongoing thing about I Washington and his slur, and nothing about Paris Hilton and her gay slur on this site, double standard or what? IW has nothing to do with Haggard and his miracle, unless he used a old, wore out hooker!

  10. Matt says

    I agree with you Mark. Why isn’t there a comment about Paris Hilton’s homo/racist slurs? Where was GLAAD or HRC on that one?

    As far as Haggard and Foley, I’m tired of hearing about them. They’ve been dethrowned. They have lost what power they had. We should leave them alone and not pay attention to them. Also, when did we start bashing gay men who were outed? Yeah what they did sucked, but where is our compassion for them. It is obviously hard to be at that age and to have to come to terms with your sexuality.

  11. Rad says

    The real test will be his upcoming vacation to Key West during Gay Spring Break. Pray for the poor bastard…

  12. says

    What a repulsive human being. All these lies so that he can keep taking people’s money. I’m glad he’s “not gay” anymore.

  13. michael says

    The sad part is that once he gets some half-assed unaccredited online “degree” he’s going to start claiming that he’s a psychologist so he KNOWS that the ex-gay movement is legit. The real doctors might as well start working on their press releases right now… they can put them in the file cabinet right behind the press release they’re going to have to put out every time Tom Cruise declares psychiatry to be a pseudoscience.

  14. dcguy says

    Reminds me of a beach housemate I had years ago. He kept saying he wasn’t gay, just sharing a house with 9 other gay men. We used to say, “No, you’re not gay. You just keep waking up with a dick in your mouth.”

  15. JOE 2 says

    Re Ted Haggard (“haggard”): HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    Paris Hilton is, at present, a useless skinbag, famous for nothing other than ensheathing a penis in her vagina on the internet. I can tolerate looking at her for only several more seconds than I can tolerate looking at Little Lord Fauntleroy or Satan (G.W.B. & D.C.). Okay, that’s enough thinking about all three of them for one day; better stop before I have an aneurysm.

  16. says

    Oh you have GOT to be kidding. Poof!!! It’s like magic! No more gay!

    Yah right. He’ll be getting plowed by another well-built horse-hung hustler a day after he’s let off his leash.

    Just enough, already. These people need to get a grip on reality.

  17. Zeke says

    Reclosetization can be accomplished by some people in a very short period of time. The greater the financial incentives, the deeper the religious influence and the higher the profile of the subject, the shorter the period of time it takes for a gay man to recloset himself.

    There must be a mathematical equation somewhere that graphs these correlations scientifically.

    De-gaying and/or Re-heterosexualizing has absolutely NOTHING to do with it.

    Matt, bubba, do you EVER do research before you come here to comment?

  18. says

    Um…why do you have to relocate to another state to pursue an “online” degree? They don’t have wireless in Colorado?

  19. John says

    I think he has the potential to make life difficult for many people who might and should live free of hatred and discrimination.

    Gore Vidal was recently quoted as lamenting that things are as bad as ever for gay people.

    God help us!

  20. Brian says

    Poor lamb. Those poor deluded fundies.

    Every time I hear about him, I’m thankful that I have a family and social network that accepts me for who I am. It’s easy to assume that’s the norm, but it’s actually pretty rare.

  21. Norm says

    He must have had a mild case of homosexuality. I tried for 27 years to be heterosexual and finally gave up. Good for you Ted.

  22. Daniel says

    I’ve seen quite about here about the idiot Paris Hilton.

    I’d like to see more about Mark and the way he reinforces the negative stereotype of gays as nasty, judgemental and mean spirited. I mean, this is a guy who calls people “fatty.”

  23. Matt says

    Zeke,

    No I don’t. I rely on you and your comments for that. I’m just bored at work and just put up whatever comes to my head at the time. We Bubba twinks do that from time to time. Ha ha. Oh and we don’t believe in global warming either. Or a least not the global warming that says we are all going to incinerate this summer.

  24. Matt says

    And the Glaad comment was kind of a joke since everyone the other day was bitching that GLAAD wasn’t doing enough. Dude, you take this blog way way too seriously. From now on I will type joke or sarcasm before a comment.

  25. Damon says

    Matt, I don’t get it. Why are we supposed to have compassion for him when he repeatedly lied, never came clean, and continues the lies?

    The man had potential to really make a difference and it took him three weeks to make a pact with the devil instead.

  26. says

    What’s his wife’s reaction? Is she moving with him, or staying in Colorado? I never read about her in the news.

  27. Matt says

    Damon,

    I’m not saying we shouldn’t be mad. I’m saying we should have compassion and hope that he gets it right in the end. I would rather have some compassion for the man and hope he gets his life straight than hate him and be pissed off at him.

    Gay is the new straight, I believe the word you are looking for is slander, not fraud. As you guys tell me, do the research.

  28. says

    In a way, Ted Haggard’s apparently cured state is a win/win scenario for gay people AND for media junkies (gay media junkies – take a deep breath and try not to explode).

    He’ll eventually slip up and be exposed…oh, I don’t know – let’s take a guess and say he’ll be found smoking crystal in a hotel room in Prague with a Bel Ami hooker which will discredit the therapy which turned him straight – we can count on something like that for sure.

    In the meantime – the media documentation of his chronic delusion is going to be hilarious. Horrifying, yes – of course.

    But also hilarious and astounding.

  29. Ed says

    I wonder if the same group that helped Mr. Haggard realize he was not gay, just fucked up sex addict, can help me with my weight problem? Hell, if it only took him 3-weeks to let go of his sexual addiction, it should take the same amount of time for my junk food addiction. I admit it, I gained weight from “acting out”! BUT, it only happened with ONE McDonalds and no other (I don’t do uptown McDs). See, I am not really overweight, I am just a slim guy who is overweight because I eat too much junk food.

    And then, after the 3-weeks of therapy and I am slim again, I will be able to fulfill my life dream of taking online courses to become a neurosurgeon/actor/model and head of oncology at Sloan-Kettering. Just call me the Bold and the Beautiful – but don’t drive me near THAT McD.

    The New Slim Shady

  30. Zeke says

    Matt, I doubt you could find a handful of people here who agree with your characterization of me; not even among those who consistently disagree with me.

    Don’t be bitter and defensive just because I’m onto you. And be careful with the clever comments; you could very well blow your compassionate simpleton cover.

    I know a troll when I see, hear or smell one.

    By the way, if you were half as clever as you seem to think you are then there would be no need for you to put “sarcasm” or “joke” before your comments. Then again, when you come here talking seriously about how the sun has gotten hotter over the last few years, and asking us to consider this phenomenon (that you totally made up) as a contributing factor in the global warming debate, who can tell when your being serious, funny or dangerously delusional.

    Enjoy chewing on that. It will be the last troll treat that I will throw into your cage.

  31. Matt says

    Aww…Zekeepoo. No more treats. I don’t live in a cage. I live like all trolls do under a bridge. But it’s hard under the bridge. The river is rising due to the ice melting in the artic and it’s also crowded with the illegal immigrants. I’m not clever. I never said I was. I’m just amusing myself. Um…what characterization of you? I don’t know you. Will never meet you. All I have to go on is that you are very passionate about what you say. I think it bugs you that I don’t take anything on this blog seriously. It’s just a daily read for me. You treat it as an action alert. I didn’t make the sun thing up. Some guy on the radio here in Atlanta from Emory University did. I was just repeating. Zeke, you are on to me? What is there to catch? I seriously doubt people who read this blog go home and say, “hum, I wonder if Zeke caught Matt.” Most people who read this are like me. They have some down time and need something to pass the time.

  32. GBM says

    Oh Ted, always good for an uncomfortable laugh.

    And at New Life Church it is apparently entirely logical for a completely heterosexual man to “act out” like a stubborn child, paying a male prostitute to fuck him blind while hopped up on meth. Since he was just acting out, one wonders why he didn’t add satan worship to the mix, just for ha-has.

    You say potayto I say potahto, New Life Church. Hopefully Ted won’t chance on any more ‘massage’ websites while diligently earning his online degree.

  33. says

    Wow, the world sure moves fast nowadays. It used to take years for someone to pray their way to being straight, now it takes mere weeks. Praise Jesus!

  34. Joseph says

    So the demons are out. They were just barely in there.

    This just goes to show that the first rube these charlatans fool is always themselves.

  35. Michael says

    Rev. Ted Haggard and the Jesus Complex
    I don’t believe that Rev. Ted Haggard is gay, self loathing or not. Nor is he Bi-sexual or Bi-curious, his public and private life just doesn’t support this conclusion. What I do believe is that Rev. Haggard is a very religious man, who trusts his heterosexual orientation, as the Will of God and holds the Bible up as proof. I believe Rev. Haggard to be a man who would go to extremes such as cultivating a friendship and having gay sex. Then allowing himself to be sacrificed in the public eye, only to be resurrected (think cured) if he thought God had asked him to do so. Colorado had two propositions for the people to vote on this past November. One was to protect marriage for heterosexual couples, it was approved by the voters and the other was to strengthen domestic partnership rights and it was defeated. This is two wins if you preach anti-homosexual sermons. The timing could not have been better. As the nation backs away from Neo-Cons with religious ties, Rev. Ted Haggard needed to re-invent himself. So why not become the Holy Savior to the Gays? The newly resurrected Rev. Ted Haggard would then be reunited with his wife, children, flock and bank accounts. Because he now thinks he’s an expert in the subject, he’ll proclaim in his new book (and you know it’s coming), that Jesus had delivered him from the depths of Gay/Drug Hell for $29.95.

  36. anjo says

    why are christians constantly obsessing about sex, gender and genitals? sheeesh don’t they have other things to worry and pray about ex: hunger,famine, millions of orphans , overpopulation, degradation of the environment, pollution, global warming,poverty to name a few. WHY IS THEIR MORALITY SO CENTERED AROUND WHO IS HAVING SEX WITH WHO. I GUESS to the fundamentalist , evangelicals and their ilk, being a heterosexual drug dealer is better than being a homosexual philantropist — talk about a sick and twisted religion!

    On the other hand perhaps here is a wonderful opportunity for gay and liberal churches to open themselves and take pity on this wretched individual and offer to ‘deprogram’ him and save him from further auto-ruination ( o.k. i made this word up LOL ). In order to atone for their years of spewing out venom and being implicitly involved in the persecution , alienation and marginalization of minority groups like gays, lesbians and transgender people ( courtesy of their minority bashing intolerant evangelical preachings), both Haggard and his wife should work for the rest of their life in the counseling and succor ( not sucker LOL) of gay ,lesbian and transgender people who are recovering from the trauma and hurt of wicked and evil christian oppresion, marginalization,injury and ruination.

    Haleluja, amen and amen
    Anjo – a child of the Cosmos

  37. Lukey says

    You laugh, but I went through gay aversion therapy when I was younger. I had to associate gay sex with mustard (which made me throw up) and straight sex with peppermint (which I loved). As a result of the cure, I can now take or leave peppermint, and I put mustard on EVERYTHING. And the cure only around a month (oh yeah, I still suck cock though).

  38. says

    By continuing to say “The gay me is (or was) an evil wretched part of my life” that vile message hurts by proxy young people who are questioning their sexuality, or anyone in a similar situation. Just as his initial lies and deceit hurt his own family, his “cured” bullshit continues to hurt people by ignoring and mocking REAL psychology, logic, and reason. It may not be as harsh as Fred Phelps, but it’s the same message nonetheless.