Did you know the Monster Beverage Corporation, manufacturer of the popular line of Monster-themed energy drinks, is also a front for the anti-Christ? Emblazoned across every single can of the taurine-rich brand of super soda, according to this concerned Christian woman (who bets you don’t know what a “MILF” is,) is proof positive that Monster portends the imminent apocalypse.
Not only does Monster invite you to “unleash the beast” in its tagline, but the iconic (debatable) M logo associated with the brand also appears to be made of three vavs, a Hebrew numerological value associated with the number six. Three vavs, three sixes. It’s all so clear.
To the woman's credit Monster has dealt with its fair share of health-related criticism in the past. In 2011 a 14-year old girl died after drinking two cans of Monster that, in total, contained about 475mg of caffeine.
While "cardiac arrhythmia due to caffeine toxicity" was determined to have been the cause of her death, it seems worth mentioning that the girl had a pre-existing heart condition as well as Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a chronic disease that weakens the connective tissues crucial to healthy muscle function.
The following year another teenager died after consuming two cans of Monster per day for three years straight. Earlier this year a third family filed a lawsuit against the company for the untimely death of Shane Felts, an adult man who died after drinking Monster regularly for a week. Since 2004 there have been 34 documented deaths that have been linked to energy drink use.
The FDA, in response, has made moves to require manufacturers to prominently display warning labels on the beverages, and a number of local legislators have attempted at prohibiting their sale to minors. Generally speaking, however, the push to crack down on Monster and similar energy drinks has more to do with their concentrated amounts of sugar and chemicals as opposed to, you know, the Devil.
Watch a video clip of a concerned consumer dabbling in a little bit of light-hearted anti-semitism in the name of scourging Satanic soft drinks AFTER THE JUMP…