The Late Show took a brutal look at what mute Vice President Mike Pence was thinking during yesterday’s Oval Office smackdown of Trump by Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, narrating Pence’s inner monologue.
“I wonder if I sit real still if people will even notice I’m here?” thought Pence’s inner voice as he rocked like a mannequin in his armchair.
— The Late Show (@colbertlateshow) December 12, 2018
More imagined thoughts: “I’m a manila envelope taped to a beige wall. No one can see me.”
“I don’t think all gay people are bad. I just think all bad people are gay.”
“What should I have for dinner tonight? Maybe rice? Nah, too Asian. Boiled potatoes it is.”
Following the cold open, Stephen Colbert began unpacking yesterday’s meeting.
Colbert began by pointing out Trump’s response when Pelosi referred to the shutdown as the “Trump shutdown.”
Quipped Colbert: “He’s like Alexa. He only wakes up when he hears his name.”
Trump then spat: “If we don’t get what we want…I will shut down the government.”
Explained Colbert: “To be clear, he’s offering to take all the blame for the thing you always blame the other side for. (In Trump voice) Okay, I will take all the blame for the shutdown but first let me just spray paint my initials on the bow of the SS Republican Party before I drive this baby over the waterfall. You’ll notice the whole time Trump was bragging about his shutdown, Chuck Schumer did his best not to make eye contact with Trump, like you do with a drunk guy screaming on the subway.”
After the meeting, Pelosi told the press, “It goes to show you, you get in a tinkle contest with a skunk, you get tinkle all over you.”
She then added: “This wall thing…it’s like a manhood thing with him…as if manhood can be associated with him.”
“So the wall’s a metaphor for his manhood,” Colbert added. “No wonder he’s having trouble erecting it.”