SNL’s season opener was a “rebroadcast” of Tuesday night’s presidential debate featuring Alec Baldwin reprising his role as Donald Trump, Jim Carrey as Joe Biden, and Beck Bennett as moderator Chris Wallace.
Bennett’s Wallace opened with a brag: “I think I’m going to do a really really good job tonight.”
Carrey’s Biden entered in a pair of aviator glasses while making a pistol with his finger. He then measured the distance between the podiums and moved his further away.
Said Wallace’s Bennett: “It looks like you’re ready to debate, Joe.”
Replied Carrey’s Biden: “Absolutely not, but I’ve got the beginning of 46 fantastic thoughts. Now let’s do this. I’m holding my bladder. Let’s get at her.”
Baldwin’s Trump told the moderator he needed lots of time to speak for all the complaints he had, including: “The China virus has been very mean to me by being a hoax, and that statement will not come back to haunt me later this week.”
Bennett’s Wallace then took them through a series of debate categories, with Baldwin’s Trump interrupting constantly. The conversation turned to masks and Trump pulled his out: a pair of women’s panties.
At one point, the candidates tried to calm down, pulling out their meditation tapes. Biden’s tape was Harry Styles reciting a calm monologue about soothing landscapes. Trump’s tape was Cecily Strong’s Kimberly Guilfoyle screaming, as she did famously during the RNC convention, “the best is yet to come!”
When Bennett’s Wallace asked for a civilized discussion, Baldwin’s Trump leaned to the mic and said “gay!”
Replied Bennett’s Wallace: “Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I’ll do absolutely nothing about it.”
Maya Rudolph’s Kamala Harris then entered to calm things down.
Said Rudolph’s Harris: “Boys, boys, boys, boys, boys, both of you, this stops right now, all right? … Let Mamala go to work. …. I think if there’s one thing we learned tonight, it’s that America needs a WAP: Woman as President. But for now, I’ll settle for HVPIC: Hot Vice President in Charge. So why don’t the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with dignity? And when you’re done I’ve got some PB and J and apple slices waiting for you.”
During closing statements, Carrey’s Biden pulled out a TV remote as Baldwin’s Trump continued to interrupt him: “Sorry, but I think we all needed a break. Isn’t that satisfying? Just not to hear his voice for a single goddamn second. Let’s wallow in it. Let’s bask in the Trumplessness.”
Said Carrey’s Biden: “Look at me. Look directly into my eyeballs. You can trust me because I believe in science and karma. Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up and send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be. … I’m not saying I want it to happen. Just imagine if it did. So this November, please get on the Biden train, which is literally a commuter train to Delaware and we can all make America not actively on fire again.”