Saturday Night Live headed back to politics in its cold open, heading to Tucker Carlson and FOX News for a look at the Republicans who voted to acquit Trump at his Senate impeachment trial.
Said Alex Moffatt’s Tucker Carlson: “There’s a lot to cover tonight including the impeachment, so in place of my usual monologue here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs: Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her. Pronouns for dogs? C’mon. Everybody knows they’re boys. Pixar: Is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one.”
Moffatt’s Carlson then welcomed “65-year-old teacher’s pet” Senator Lindsey Graham (Kate McKinnon).
Said McKinnon’s Graham: “Thank you Tucker. It’s a great day for 30 percent of Americans, and tonight we party.”
“This ‘trial’ was offensive and absurd,” McKinnon’s Lady G continued. “Like a friggin episode of Rick and Morty. But we all agree the attack on the Capitol was a horrible thing. But just because the rioters were yelling ‘Fight for Trump’ doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could’ve been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric stans, I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move past this and focus on the serious issues. That’s locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.”
Replied Moffatt’s Carlson: “That’s a great point. It really makes me contort my face like I’m thinking.”
“I don’t know why everybody still insists on taking Donald Trump down,” McKinnon’s Graham argued. “He is smart, he is nice, he’s in shape. Last fall he died of Covid and didn’t even tell nobody. … He didn’t attempt a coup. He is cool. He’s the coolest guy I know.”
Moffatt’s Carlson and McKinnon’s Graham were then joined by Ted Cruz (Aidy Bryant).
Said Bryant’s Cruz: “Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice: stop, and don’t.
Moffatt’s Carlson then looked at some of the defense team’s (Mikey Day and Pete Davidson) arguments in the case.
Day’s Bruce Castor then rattled off a bunch of nonsense and introduced Davidson’s Michael van der Veen which he explained was Dutch for “man of the penis.” Davidson’s van der Veen then proceeded to mock Zoom calls and mispronounce the names of Democratic women of color.
Moffatt’s Carlson returned with Beck Bennett’s Mitch McConnell.
Said Bennett’s McConnell: “Everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before, back when I said we couldn’t. I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst person I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up.. Ahhhhhh, God, that felt good. I been holding that inside my neck for four years.”
Asked what’s next, Bennett’s McConnell replied, “I plan to reach my hand across the aisle and then yank it back and slide it across my hair and then say, ‘Too slow.’”