Saturday Night Live opened with a look at a fantasy Trump impeachment trial, not happening in the Senate chamber, but in the Judge Mathis (Kenan Thompson) courtroom.
Said the SNL narrator: “After months of anticipation, the impeachment trial of President Trump wound up consisting of two weeks of dry debate and posturing and will conclude without any witness testimony or new evidence. For those hoping for more, here is the trial you wish had happened.”
Beck Bennett’s “Sneaky Little Mitch” McConnell arrived to the courtroom with Lindsey Graham (Kate McKinnon).
Said McKinnon’s Graham: “I studied my chances of getting reelected and it ain’t going to happen unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s grits and tickle his biscuits, and that’s why I do declare that Mr. Trump is innocent or my name is not Lindsey Valerie Beauregard Matlock Graham!”
John Bolton (Cecily Strong) was called to the stand, telling Thompson’s Mathis: “The things I saw President Trump do and say made me deeply worried about the future of democracy.”
Asked why he waited until now to tell anybody, Strong’s Bolton replied, “because I’m a messy bitch who loves drama.”
After a demand from Bennett’s McConnell, Pete Davidson’s Hunter Biden was called to the stand, entering on a hoverboard.
Asked about his current job, Davidson’s Biden replied: “Oh, I’m on the board of a Brazilian money laundering company called Nepotismo. That’s right, I’ve been selling Biden steaks from my office at the top of Biden Tower, and letting foreign leaders stay at Biden-a-Largo. Oh no wait, that’s the president’s sons. Ya burnt!”
After a McConnell and Graham plug for coal and guns, Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump was called to the stand.
Said Baldwin’s Trump, entering with a walker: “Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine? I can barely get around the house.”
Trump later made a closing statement: “Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I have learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence so I’d like to come clean. About everything. The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect, it was illegal and frankly it was a butt dial. Also I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome. I hate the following states: Iowa, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Arkansas, and West Virginia. West Carolina, I’m sorry, I cheat all the time with golf, taxes, wives, elections, and bathroom scales. I’m not 239 pounds. I’m 475 pounds. I don’t really need this walker either, although it does help me be lazier which I like. I cut the funding to the CDC so this Wang Chung virus is really gonna be bad.”
Baldwin’s Trump then called over his “ride or die” friend McConnell, who burst into “Send In The Clowns” with Graham and Bolton.