A coronavirus news conference led by Beck Bennett’s Mike Pence turned into a Democratic debate on SNL’s cold open as candidates showed up to weigh in.
Said Bennett’s Pence: “President Trump has put me in charge of the coronavirus even though I don’t believe in ‘science.’ I have to admit, this disease has been quite the test of my faith — just like dinosaur bones or Timothee Chalamet.”
Bennett’s Pence then introduced Kenan Thompson’s Ben Carson, who attempted to reassure the public that things were under control.
Said Thompson’s Carson: “It’s going to be bad. Here’s what we know so far. He looks like this (showing a picture of Stitch from Lilo & Stitch) He’s a nasty little thing, he’ll bite you.”
Bennett’s Pence then took questions, prompting Mike Bloomberg (Fred Armisen) to rise from the audience.
Said Armisen’s Bloomberg: “Doesn’t it seem like a good time to have a president that’s competent and capable, even if that candidate lacks charisma or ability to connect with human beings?”
Armisen’s Bloomberg approached the podium to make himself more clear, but was intercepted by Kate McKinnon’s Elizabeth Warren.
Said McKinnon’s Warren: “Did you really think you were going to get away from me that easy? This is my job now. I follow you around and make your life a living hell. I might be fifth in the polls, but I’m No. 1 in your nightmares.”
McKinnon’s Warren heralded an array of other candidates coming forward to offer their opinions on the virus.
Said John Mulaney’s Joe Biden: “Guess who just kicked butt in South Cracker Barrel? Now, listen, folks, if we want to fight ‘China cough’ we got to be smart. We got to make sure to get new teeth daily.”
Added Larry David’s Bernie Sanders: “You got to admit, folks, universal healthcare doesn’t sound too crazy now, does it? Hey, I’m having the best week of my freaking life. I had a little setback in South Carolina but I’m ahead in the other polls, Wall Street billionaires are losing their shirts and best of all, nobody wants to come near me, much less touch me, I’m in heaven!”
Colin Jost’s Pete Buttigieg stood up and declared: “I’m actually Mayor Pete Buttigieg. I’m a candidate too, for the next three days.”
“Back off Buttigieg,” interrupted Rachel Dratch’s Amy Klobuchar, “The whole moderate from the Midwest schtick is mine. So stay out of my center lane, bitch. I’m from Minnesota so I will cut you, in line at Target, son.”
After McKinnon’s Warren urged people to use Purell, David’s Sanders interjected: “No, no, no, no, no! No Purell. I got a bottle of that junk and on the label it said, ‘it kills 99.99% of germs. What happens to the top .01%?! Why are we protecting them?”