Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump joined Saturday Night Live for its last at-home cold open of the season, which featured the commencement ceremony of St. Mary Magdalene by the Expressway High School.
The graduation was opened by Principal O’Grady, played by Kate McKinnon
Said McKinnon’s O’Grady: “I know this isn’t how you expected you high school career to come to an end. But we’re all making sacrifices. I’ve had to share my child’s Adderall with him.”
“Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no,” she continued, “as did your next five choices, which were Axl Rose, murder hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is, the dude from 90 Day Fiancé who looked like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk/Grimes baby.”
So, she announced, Trump, who received one vote, would give the commencement speech.
“Congratulations to the class of COVID-19,” intoned Baldwin’s Trump. “Wow, what incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus so I had to do my own makeup. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli TikTok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today’s not about me. It’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly. Even worse than they treated Lincoln.”
“Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?” asked a student played by Chris Redd.
“I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth,” Baldwin’s Trump snapped. “Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from Hell right now.”
“Hey,” a student played by Kenan Thompson interrupted, “What is this dude?”
“OK, let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types,” ordered Baldwin’s Trump as the students of color were muted.
“You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now,” Baldwin’s Trump continued. “There are so many exciting new jobs out there, like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse, and coal. Don’t forget about coal, it’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.”
“I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall,” he added. “Online college is a scam and I should know my online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US News every year it was open.”
The students then started screaming “I want Fauci!”
“Oh sure, everyone loves Fauci,” Baldwins’s Trump spat back. “And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do?”
Baldwin’s Trump then picked up a bottle of Clorox bleach, and had a swig, saying, “Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.”
“Look. I’m gonna be honest with you guys,” said Baldwin’s Trump. “I know this is hard, so I’m gonna give you some real advice. Believe in yourselves and you can achieve anything, look at me. I started as the son of a simple, wealthy slumlord and grew to become a billionaire, a president, and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find, that way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen, and live every day like it’s your last, because we’re going to let this virus run wild.”
“This virus that, remember, was started in a lab in Obama,” he added. “I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes: ‘Reach for the stars, because if your star they’ll let you do it.” Thank you class of 2020 and let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?”
The screen zoomed out to reveal just two students were left on the conference, to which Baldwin’s Trump retorted, “Wow this crowd has thinned down faster than Adele.”
“And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night,” said Baldwin, removing his MAGA hat.