Saturday Night Live took on the coronavirus vaccine rollout in its cold open. In a faux CNN segment, “indoor man with an outdoor name” Wolf Blitzer (Beck Bennett) introduced Dr. Anthony Fauci (an unrecognizable Kate McKinnon) and Dr. Deborah Birx (Heidi Gardner) to explain how Americans would receive the first shots.
Said Bennett’s Blitzer: “Today’s top story is the Pfizer corona vaccine. It’s just like the PS5: Everybody wants it, nobody can get it and if you’re rich you already had it a month ago.”
After receiving a huge round of applause, McKinnon’s Fauci said, “Let’s try to keep the ‘woos’ to a minimum please. As you all know, ‘woos’ spread droplets.”
McKinnon’s Fauci then announced he was joining the Biden administration to continue the fight against COVID, prompting Gardner’s Birx to chime in, “And I think I’ll be joining as well, right? Remember when Trump said to inject bleach and I did a stanky little face? And I almost whispered, ‘no.'”
Moving on to the vaccine, McKinnon’s Fauci said, “We’re doing this vaccine World War II style. We made England go in first. Tom Hanks will make 10 movies about it and when it’s all over you can kiss any nurse you want.”
Asked about who would get the vaccine first, McKinnon’s Fauci said, “Well, here’s how we’re going to do it. First, health care workers, your McSteamys and McDreamys, what have you.
Added Gardner’s Birx: “And next we have anyone named Mildred, Horace, Blanche, Mabel, or Walter.”
“We’re talking about super seniors,” McKinnon’s Fauci clarified, “Anyone who pays for Red Lobster with a Diners Club card.”
“Then after the elderly, we’ll move onto prisoners, then teachers, then sick people, then everyone else,” Gardner’s Birx continued.
“And that will be July 20 bada bada bada,” McKinnon’s Fauci trailed off.
“I try not to comment but this president has done about as good a job with this roll out as I did throwing out that first pitch at the Nationals game,” added McKinnon’s Fauci before Bennett’s Blitzer played a clip of the terrible pitch.
Throughout the segment, McKinnon’s Fauci had bras thrown at his face: “Stop throwing bras would you? …. This keeps happening. Throughout this whole thing I’ve been the only one saying facts, so some people got a crush on me. They say stuff like, ‘can you be my face mask?’ Any other year I’m a 2 this year I’m a 10.”
Asked about vaccine procedure, Gardner’s Birx explained: “Luckily, the vaccine comes in Coors Light cold activated cans. So, if the mountains are blue, you know the vaccine is effective.”
“We’re using a technique long-employed by one night stands who have caught feelings,” added McKinnon’s Fauci, explaining how they will keep track of the double dose regimen. “We’re gonna have them leave a necklace at the CVS just so they have an excuse to come back.”
“We’re gonna distribute to states alphabetically, starting with Ah California and Buh New York City,” McKinnon’s Fauci continued.”
Explained Gardner’s Birx: “North Carolina’s vaccine will be vinegar-based while South Carolina’s will be mustard-based. In New York, the vaccine vessels will be very thin on the bottom whereas in Chicago, it’ll be more of a deep dish.”
Added Fauci: “If enough Americans get this vaccine, you’ll all forget who I am. That’s my goal: To have zero name recognition with Americans. That would mean I did my job well. I wanna go back to being an anonymous hunk.”