In a live monologue, Late Show host Stephen Colbert took apart the “long midnight of the soul” that was the first night of the Republican National Convention, reserving special time for Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle, “Trump Jr. girlfriend and vengeful banshee who will haunt your dreams.”
She opened her speech with this “message of hope” according to Colbert, playing the clip of Guilfoyle saying, “If you want to see the socialist Biden-Harris future for our country, just take a look at California!”
“I’m trying to look at California, but there’s fire everywhere because of climate change,” Colbert quipped. “By the way, her ex-husband [Gavin Newsom] is the governor of California. I’m guessing that was not an amicable split. But I think I know who was awarded custody of the rage.”
Colbert then broadcast Guilfoyle’s “nuanced screams” about Trump’s agenda which were really, really terrifying enough for him to hide under his desk.
“Is the loud lady gone? I’m scared!” said Colbert, peeking out. “This is the first time in my life I’ve had to turn down the volume on C-SPAN. God I’m glad we already had our kids because I think if I was too close to the TV, I might have been sterilized by that. Oh my God.”
Colbert soon moved on to the president’s son: “According to one campaign aide, Don Jr. represents the emotional center of the MAGA universe. Makes sense. He’s like a black hole … in that he sucks.”
And Colbert wasn’t the first to note Donald Jr.’s heightened state: “It was his keynote address, in that he looked like he had snorted a key. So before I tell you what he said, can we zoom in on Junior’s sweaty face and wet, bloodshot eyes? Either he’s high or that’s what happens when you live in the splash zone of Screamin’ Guilfoyle. Just bring a poncho!”